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his family
Added: 111 days ago.
Added by: Christina1984
Section: General.
Status: This question is Closed. (Questions will be closed after 10 days.)


My fiances family is very nice.they are giving hand me downs for the baby saying it is tradition to use this crib and cradle and all kinds of stuff. really the only thing they are leaving me to get is practically nothing. i feel so left out of my own pregnancy. i had my heart set on buying this one crib and i already got a cradle that i want to use, and i wanted to buy certain things for the baby. it makes me happy to pick out stuff. my fiance says i should be grateful and happy that they are giving the baby all these han me downs and family traditions. i am grateful, but he doesnt get that i want to get some things. besides the crib is old and makes me nervous. i really like the one i picked out. i would love to shop for the baby, and have some say instead of none. am i being ungrateful? what should i do?

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RandiLee - 105 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You;re not being ungrateful...I know exactly how you feel. My mom went out and bought EVERYTHING....even after I told her not to, made me really upset, I had things picked out that I wanted, and a mother should be able to choose what is best for her own child. I say you should still go and get what you want......use both....Just because they are HIS family's traditions does not mean they need to be YOURS....this is YOUR time, your experience, it's nice to have help, but we want to be able to provide for our own child...it's maternal instinct, and I actually think it's very unhealthy to not be able to do so. good luck to you! and on the plus side.....you saved a lot of money! :)

Melanie07 - 106 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You do what you want to do. you don't have to take what they give you. Just explain your feelings. Tell them thank you for offering but, you would prefer to get the things your baby needs.

niki - 106 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Your probably best explaining to the family better to nip that in the bud before the baby comes. I see where your coming from and part of the enjoyment of having a baby is picking out stuff yourself. Take care x

jamitom - 107 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) your not ungrateful.its exciting to do those things.they already had their kids and experiences,now its your turn.have their hand me downs at there house when they get to have the baby and keep what you want.i am using used stuff but its because i like it.

LMO - 107 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) i totally understand what you are going through your not being ungrateful this is a joyful time in your life and you should be able to pick out the things for your baby

asutori - 108 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I think that everyone has given you great advice on how to deal with the family, but I definitely just wanted to emphasize that an old crib is not safe. A couple years old is one thing, but one that has been past down from who knows when is a definite no-no. At the very least, you can defend yourself on that point. I too have some pushy in-laws, so I'm already preparing what I'm going to say, lol. Here is a blurb from ConsumerReports for you: "Buy new. If possible, avoid buying or accepting a used crib. Older models may not meet current safety standards or may be in disrepair. If you must use an older crib, avoid those built before 2000, about a year after the latest voluntary standards for slat-attachment strength took effect. (Check the manufacture date on the crib label, which is required by law.) Currently, 12 states have laws banning the sale of unsafe used cribs or prohibiting their use in child-care facilities. Your state may have such a law." And another blurb: "Heirloom cribs. According to the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association, approximately 50 babies each year suffocate or strangle after becoming trapped between broken crib parts or in cribs with older, unsafe designs. The JPMA advises consumers to buy a new crib rather than use an heirloom or a secondhand one, even if your budget is tight--or the crib has been in your family for three generations. Old or heirloom cribs can also have lead-based paint."

ttasha - 109 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Your not being ungrateful at all, at the end of the day its your baby and you can buy whatever you want for it( sorry i dont know what sex it is) just explain to them that you want to buy things and tell them thanks but no thanks. Plus your fiance should understand how your feeling about the situation

gigimuffin1 - 110 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You are the mommy. Explain that you are excited about starting your own tradiitons with him and the new baby. The other way that you amy be able to get out of using their crib is that over the last few years there have been all kinds of warnings using old cribs and bassinets. The with between the slats were made too wide years ago and the baby can potentially get stuck in between the slats and potentially die. Safety is always a big argument in our family. Also, you may want to try to talk to your in-laws and tell them how much you appreciate all of this, but this is you and your finace's 1st child

selenia - 110 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) your not being ungrateful. i got some hand me downs like clothes, but a relative offered me a crib and i politely turned it down. i would talk to your fiance and tell him you are grateful for all they are doing but you would like to enjoy going out and buying things for your baby and to shop with him also as a family being together

ibudoris - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) My in-laws did the same thing to me with my 1st baby. It's tough and every family is different. Definitely consider the safety of your child first, then do what you can to master the art of give and take. Also do what you can to get your fiance to understand how you feel and where you are coming from. He is your best advocate. It's best never deal directly with in-laws when it comes to touchy subjects (especially about their grandchildren). You they can get angry at and stay angry, they have only known you a short while, and your just the daughter-in-law who doesn't understand family tradition in their eyes. Your fiance however is their son. They may not like what he says to them about your decisions concerning your kids (which is best if he always refers to it as his decisions, not yours), but they won't stay mad at their son. They have a lifetime of history with him. Hope that helps, good luck!

Mommyof2boys - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Its not really good for your baby to be in a outdated crib, its very dangerous. You can explain that to them and say thank you but I would reather for the babies safety buy an updated one. Talk to your husband and tell him the risk of used baby furniture and he should understand where you are coming from.

tg5242008 - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You are definitely NOT being ungrateful by no means. I am terribly sorry you are going through this. I am going through something similar, only it is with my mother instead of the in-laws. It is so hard for me, because I do not have the heart to tell her "no thank you". I know she is just trying to help, but I am like you. I would rather have some say in my own baby's possesions. I sometimes feel like I'm just carrying a baby for someone else to raise. I often wander, "does mom realize this is my baby and not hers?" I am so sorry you are going through this, and I hope it gets better for you.

Baby3OnWay - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Your not being ungrateful AT ALL my inlaws did the same thing and i simply put it like this..."I understand your family traditions and so forth but I have done a little research and they have certain standards on the age and make of older cribs and they tend to outdate with the saftey standards after so many years. not to upset you but I would feel much better being able to buy the crib I have choosen and would feel a lot safer that way to!!" My mother inlaw tend to be a bit upset and distant for awhile but then she researched it, not believing me apparently about saftey standards and low and behold i was right! its your baby too and you need to have a say. Needless to say my second and now third pregnancy she now asks my opinion on something and trys asking my theme and such to suit MY wants and needs as well as my partners! Good Luck and CONGRADULATIONS

Darianna - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Well, I have a huge Mexican Family that I married into!! I have a Crib that was passed down from generation to generation!! I have all kinds of things and I have a hard time figuring out what to do!! I had to find a compromisers to it all!! I told the family to get it out!! Let me buy some items, like a car seat/stroller, swings, and things like that!!. I was happy when we made the compromisers!! I am having to stand my ground and just use the things that I did not want to use!! I used the older crib and truth be told a friend of mine, that is a baby inspector, for CPS, said my crib is a safe and gorgeous one! So old can be made new with a new bed out fit and a fresh coat of paint, or things like that!!

captshelley - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You sound exactly like me! My MIL gave me some old fallin down crib and all these garage sale clothes and swings. I told her, "thank you but I already picked out a crib that I really want and to keep the crib at her house for when I come to visit with the baby". My baby is 4 months old now and has never been to her house (on purpose). The clothes I ended up being grateful for because my baby goes through 3 or 4 outfits a day from spitting up, pooping on them or just because I want to change her clothes. The other stuff I gracefully took and thanked her for then shoved them in the back of the closet. Your not ungrateful. I told my friends and family that there are just a few things I want to pick out and buy on my own like the crib, the diaper bag, the bedding and her home coming outfit. They won't be at your house everyday so you can accept the things without using them. My concern was the safety of the items she bought like an old crib, a used car seat and a swing with a missing part. Those items I will never use and can't be guilt tripped into using. This is my first baby and I want everything brand new and special. Now that she is 4 months old I've eased up but it took me going through the 4 months of having a baby to accept hand-me-downs or anything not fresh out of a package.

windchime - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I totally understand! My MIL has been buying things for my baby since before I got pregnant! Last time we saw her, she was telling me of all these things she had bought at a thrift store (crib, 2 high chairs, bassinet). I jokingly said "Am I going to get to have some fun and buy some things for my own baby?" And she said "When I was pregnant I was grateful for anything I was given." I was so ticked off! Anyway, I'm just going to use what I like and regarding the rest "Thanks, I appreciate it, but I'd rather use what I picked out." I also agree with some of the other posters who suggested that baby can use it at grandma's house (if it is safe).

jessicahedden - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You should point out that using a used crib increases the risk of SIDS. You aren't being ungrateful, it is your baby, enjoy picking things out.

jcnkc - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I understand what you are saying. If I were you, I would accept everything, and be grateful, and at the same time, still do some things yourself. Its better to have too much, than not enough. If you dont trust the crib they are giving you, go buy the one you want too, then decide which one you want to use. If they ask why you're not using it, say it scared you or something.

mommy-of-3 - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You're not being ungrateful but it is a very generous thing they are doing for you considering how much babies cost these days. On the other hand I do understand where you're coming from, part of the joy of being pregnant is getting to shop for your little peanut and buy all the things that you just can't resist. You could still shop for the baby, buy some of your own outfits, toys, etc.. You can still make it where you are buying your own things too.

abailes - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Your not ungrateful! But have you added up the cost of a baby? I think it's great that the family is stepping in and helping out. Maybe you point out that the crib is not "up to date" on health codes and you already had you eyes set on something a little more user friendly (depending on how old the crib is). I'm in a case where his family wants to tell me everything that I NEED and not necessarly have room for. (we live in an apartment) You could also think of it as the more stuff they get out of the way for you the more money you have to spend on more baby stuff. Hope this helps and any way.

kbushby - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) oh man!!!! sounds like what i went through! my boyfriends family wanted me to use the crib they used for him and all his siblings. for one, its not my style, for two its old and reviews on old cribs are bad because the gap between bars are too big and for two i wanted a nicer crib. so i stuck with my guns, told them thank you but that i had my mind set on another crib and i got it... if its something you really want then go for it. its not you being ungrateful. its you starting your own tradition. i got a crib for my son that is nuetral so i can use it for all my kids. its my tradition now with my children. good luck...

nich-vegas-mommy2be - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I understand where you are coming from here! I am stuck with a bassinet that has been around the family since who knows when (talking aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). I was really excited about buying a bassinet, but oh well on that one. What I won't budge on is the travel system I want - my mom keeps telling me she saw one that is cheaper and she would by it for me...but it's not what I want! I totally understand your feelings here. You will have to be firm but gracious in turning some things down. Not that you are being ungrateful, but this is your baby and you have a right to want what you want. It's only fair for them to take your suggestions on what you would like to have as well. Maybe you want a 4-in-1 crib, so your baby can have the tradition of using the same bed throughout their childhood. Like for me - my mom is getting this pack and play at a really good price, but it is NOT the colors I want for the baby's room. I suggest that if she would really like to get it, she could use it at her house since we will already have a crib and the 'family bassinet' as well. It lets her know I am glad she wants to do for baby, but I am the mother and ultimately I think I should be the one who has the final say (along with hubby), and that she needs to respect my wishes without getting hurt feelings or whatever.

njstewy - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) For the things that you really want to buy like your crib. .just kinda offer that they keep it themselfs say that the baby can use it when he/she sleeps over there. .I think that would be your best bet way of doing it. .you could also say that your really not supposed to use crib before 1986 (used this excuse on my dad when he offered mine)

JennSever - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) oh honey i am so sorry..you are not being ungrateful by any means. its hard to relinquish control to someone else. if you can - just politely say oh i don't need that, thanks or i would like to get that on my own. you can't go through the rest of your pregnancy or marriage not being able to stand your ground just a little. with a sweet smile, state your wants and demands. its perfectly ok to say "no thank you" good luck honey..i know EXACTLY what you are going through. all i have bought for this baby girl so far is a few newborn outfits. not crib, or crib bedding, moses basket, diaper bag..nothing.

gr8scottswife - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) You better put your foot down now, or you'll have hell to pay for the rest of your life. They will never stop with the traditions and you have to do it my way. Decide on the things that are important to you to buy, such as bedding, furniture, etc. and then decide on things that don't matter, such as some clothes, some toys, etc. Then, accept the items that don't matter, and firmly and clearly say, "I will be buying x. Perhaps you can give that to someone else. Thanks for thinking of me, though." If they insist and go into the tradition stuff, do NOT argue. FIRMLY REPEAT: "I'm going to buy x. Thank you for the offer. I hope someone else can enjoy it." I learned this being a teacher. REPETITION of the exact same words is a VERY VERY POWERFUL TOOL and most often is the only effective way (other than beating with a club) of dealing with knotheads. I use this with my own stepchildren, and it works! I also use this with my husband and mother and anyone else who needs to be gently but firmly told no. You have to do this, or you'll always be miserable and have this fight. In-laws are the fourth main cause of divorces.

2xmom - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Our family likes to hand down items as well. I am always grateful for them. However, I feel that as the mother and father, that you should be able to pick and choose what you want to use. I also enjoyed buying things for my babies, it's fun and exciting! Certainly safety comes first with anything! I don't blame you if the crib/cradle is in bad condition, and you don't want to use it. You're the only mommy to your child, now is the time to enjoy your pregnancy....even if it means spending some money and decorating....we all do it! Your feelings are just as important as your fiance's.

brandi j. - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) This is a very grateful thing, and I can understand wanting them to have "traditions". However, you still have the chose to use these items. I suggest, especcially w/ the crib that you tell them how grateful you are to them, and you would like to buy a, b, and c for your child, but would be more than happy to use this or that! Most of the time a pass down from one generation to the next, is one special item that has been in the family for years. I think that is very special, but some things especcially when they are considered unsafe, need to be exchanged for other things.

brandi j. - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) This is a very grateful thing, and I can understand wanting them to have "traditions". However, you still have the chose to use these items. I suggest, especcially w/ the crib that you tell them how grateful you are to them, but you would like to buy a, b, and c for your child, but would be more than happy to use this or that! Most of the time a pass down from one generation to the next, is one special item that has been in the family for years. I think that is very special, but some things especcially when they are considered unsafe, such as a crib, need to be exchanged for other things.

mattie4 - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) your not being ungreatful at all, you are being a first time mommy who is wanting to enjoy the whole buying for your baby. I feel like it is a nice bonding experience to shop for your baby. I would talk to his family and tell them thank you very much but that there are a few things that you had your heart set on getting for the baby. If they dont understand, well thats too bad. It is your baby, your pregnancy. Besides, you may have your own family traditions...(my mom always buys the first crib, that is picked out buy us, it something she loves to do). Just try to be polite while explaining that you had a crib picked out and thats what you are getting. Tell them you appreciate the help and thought in what they are doing. They should be understanding. I know i wouldn't like not being able to pick out things for my new baby, especially my first.

skittles0607 - 111 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I think that you should still shop for the baby. Tell the family you appreciate everything but you would also like to buy things for the baby. Your fiance should understand. Good Luck!!