Questions and answers

Compare this section with Yahoo Answers and Google Answers. Questions are all related to becoming pregnant, pregnancy, birth and babies.
Go to the Questions and answers index

Separation and a 2yo what happened?
Added: 962 days ago.
Added by: auroracoladybug
Section: General.
Status: This question is Closed. (Questions will be closed after 10 days.)


My husband and I have had communication issues in the past, bills not paid, etc. Suddenly my DH of nearly 3 years says that he is not happy and that he has decided that he never forgave me for the men I had relations with before we got married (BIG MISTAKES)and that he buried his head into WOW and other games to not confront me. It is now six years since my mistakes and I have changed. I built my dreams and lost myself in him. We bought a house, had a beautiful wedding, and have a butiful son who turns two this week. He says that he can not give me the chance to hurt him again. He wants to still support us and wants to stay friends. Am I wrong that I want to work it out because I love him? There is so much more involved in this story but I can`t write it all out...it would be a book. He says that at this time he does not want to give me false hope...I don`t want to divorce and I don`t want all of us to be unhappy. As much as I hurt him by my mistakes I feel that he has lied to me too and hurt me. As of now he has said he feels that he stayed with me, married me, and had a family with me because of expectations and to keep things comfortable. I am fighting so much to show him how much other than this part of the past we have and that we can change and work this out because we do love eachother. I feel shattered and don`t know exactly who I am or who he is...Do I tell him to leave and don`t come back? Do I hope the counseling brings us back to eachother? Do I be his friend? I never thought that I would be in this position with him. I give him everything he wants...am I all that he needs?

---

auroracoladybug - 953 days ago Thank you so much for your encouragement...Unfortunately at this time my husband only wants to be friends because he "can not live miserable wondering when the next time I would cheat" and so at this point I (possibly we) will continue with counseling...I am shattered and heart broken that for the last six years I have lived believing I was building my family and my dreams and they have been swept away by the person I love the most and had those dreams with

Military~Mommy - 961 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I think he is full of it... If he is SO hurt he would have left 6 yrs ago. I think he decided he wants out, but doesn't want it to be his fault, so he is throwing old issues back in your face. That is a dirty under-handed way to go about this. Forgiven is forgiven, and he is being a baby by doing what he is doing instead of giving you a valid, CURRENT reason for leaving. I am so angry for you right now!

auroracoladybug - 961 days ago taliyahsmom I thank you for your hope...yes I cheated before we were married and have kept my vows to him and have changed so much...I don't think of myself as the victim as much as my son and yes he hurt me by saying all of the dreams that I made with him after he "forgave" me were all lies...I just want us to work out and be happy.

taliyahsmom - 961 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Dont get me wrong..I dont believe in divorce. I think God can heal all pain and heal EVERY relationship. But i definatly think he is doing the right thing by moving out, and counseling hopefully will work for you guys!

Rachel918 - 961 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) DOes he want to go to counseling? I think you both need to just sit and have someone help communication along and for you both to hear eachother out.. I strongly recommend it even if you both decide that it is best for him to leave.. If you both feel things and cant talk about them or get them out with out fighting then you will both never know what the other is thinking or wants... I hope this helps a bit.. and I hope the best for you in whatever the two of you decide on doing.

taliyahsmom - 961 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Im sorry that you are hurting. But Im definatly on his side. If my hubby cheated on me I would leave too. I would NEVER be able to trust him. Its so hard once you are all invovled with family and friends and the life you have, but obviously its still in the back of his head. You are not the victim here...he is!

auroracoladybug - 961 days ago I am going to keep my distance and keep my hopes up that he might see what a "gem" I am. As my father has said...he can't have his cake and eat it too...there has to be a compromise. I want to have a good friendship but right now I am hurt and need my space too.

Mandy-N-Eoins-Peanut - 961 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) Sounds like he's still hedging his bets hun. He stayed with you and you talked about taking a family holiday with friends, and then as much as admitted that he didn't mean any of it and only stayed cos he knew you wanted him to. Show him you don't NEED him. Because you don't. You may want him and love him and long for him and feel better when he's there...but there's nothing he can do that you can't. I'd be devestated if my partner showed me such unconcern and was so tactless, messing me about like that and I wouldn't waste time showing him where the door was, either. Tell him there'll be no more staying overnight, that he's made his decision to live with his friends, and you understand that, but you can't let him confuse you and your child, here one night gone the next. Go to counselling together, once a week or whatever, and keep all other visits to purely let him see his child, and make sure you have elsewhere to be while he's there. Call over to a friend for a chat and a cuppa or go for a walk. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if not, you'll know soon enough. If he's so pig-headed and blindsighted that he can't see he's losing an absolute gem, well then I say good riddance. xx

auroracoladybug - 961 days ago thank you Mandy...Yes I cheated on him twice once with a man I didn't know 1 year into our relationship, the other was my high school love (3 years before we got married) who did not respect me or Jason and I regretted it immediately. You are right that I need to find myself and all along I was given false hope because he based so much off of a lie. You read me so well...I was waiting by the phone for him to call and yes I was willing to fall over myself to please him. He stayed the night on Friday to go over bills, play with Cian, and to be there to watch him on Sunday while I worked. He stayed last night (talking about taking trips with all of us including my best friend and her son)and then told me that he stayed because he knew that I felt safer with him there...no I just want him to come home. He does not know what he is throwing away.

Mandy-N-Eoins-Peanut - 961 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) So he buries his head and ignores the problems staring him in the face and when that doesn't work and things go tits up, he blames you? And you alone? I'm sorry sweetheart, but it takes two to make or break any relationship. You say you had "relations" with men before your marriage. Does that mean you cheated on him, or is he feeling insecure about guys you were with before you even met him? If it's the former, you do both need to work on trust and I really hope the counselling will help with that, but if it's the latter, and he's just griping about guys you seen before you got together, then that's HIS problem. He says he can't give you a chance to hurt him again...this would have been better said before the wedding, the house and the baby, don't you think? Was he hedging his bets all this time, waiting for something to fall into place, or someone else to come along? I know these are horrible questions, but you have to ask them of yourself and him. And my, oh my six years is a long time to come to a decision about whether or not he wants you. I mean...six months...fine...six years??? And you say "this time" he doesn't want to give you false hope. I take it his leaving or telling you things are over is a regular occurence? That's not fair on you, or your child. And yes, you're right when you say he has lied and hurt you too. He's kept all this to himself for six years, letting you believe things would work out, and then drops a bombshell that he never really wanted to marry you or have a family with you, but rather done it out of duty? To whom? Certainly not to you! To be totally honest with you honey, I would let him leave, nay I would HELP him leave. Let him stay with his friends for a while. Let him give you some financial support and see his child on an arranged schedule. Keep up the counselling. But don't chase him. Don't ask him back. Don't keep your phone with you at all times waiting for him to call. He may not. And if he does, you don't want to fall all over yourself to please him, losing yourself in the process, as you've already stated. Be you for a while. Go out, have fun on your own, with friends, with your beautiful son. Find yourself and you may very well find eachother again in the meantime. Every relationship needs three people to work. You, Him, and youandhim. You need to be your own person...that's who he fell in love with in the beginning! Not this person who is giving him everything he wants...that's his mother's job. There has to be give and take. He has to please you as much as you please him. I know I might sound like I'm being a bit cruel here, but please, don't sacrifice yourself on the altar of "Hubby". The loss of yourself is so much worse than the loss of him. I've been there. It takes a long time to find out who you really are again. By all means, ignore me and lay down and die for him if that's what you really want. But if you want a partnership with him, be yourself. Make him work on it too. After all, it's not just your problem. I really hope things work out for YOU whether or not they work out for you both. xx

juels101 - 962 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) There has to be forgiveness on his part. Most relationships have some hurt in them, but when there is extended change you need to try work it out. If his trust is hurt that bad, he is very ignorant to think it isn't gonna be passed onto his next realationship, he will be untrusting right away and ruin anything in the future. If you guys get some councelling, he can work on his issues and if after you both try and he still wants out, well that's his mistake.

auroracoladybug - 962 days ago he has already left us to stay at a co-workers house closer to work...he wants to move in with friends (for free) and then still support us...I would think that that would be miserable. We are seeing a counselor and hopefully it will make him see that he has all of tools he needs to make himself and his family happy.

lovemyfamily - 962 days ago Rating: 0 (0 votes) I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it's not a happy place to be in. My advice would maybe be to say, I want to make you happy at all costs, so I'm going to stay with my mum for a while so you can clear your head...with you and your son out of the house, he will realize how much he misses you both, and how much he values your time together..