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24-12-2009 - Looking Forward!!

My mood while writing this blog: There is no word

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Happy Holidays to everyone before I even start! Today, I had an epiphany, or a breakdown, however you want to look at it. I have realized that being here, with my dearest friends and so many women that inspire me everyday to keep looking forward at my life and the possibilites of miracles that are happening everyday, I also realize that I am slowly killing myself by looking forward at the possibilites and miracles that are not laid out for me- but for other women who are so deserving and wanting. Even though I know, in my head, that I am actively NOT trying to get pregnant, my heart and mind cannot get past this chemical barrier. Every little thing that happens with me, my mind tells me I might me pregnant. My boobs hurt, I might be pregnant, my heartburn is bad, I must be pregnant, I'm hormonal, I must be pregnant. I didnt take a single BCP this month because my last cycle was 12 hours long, so that might mean I was pregnant, didnt tell DH that part however...(DH and I didnt have sex for almost 10 days cuz I think hes on to me, so the chance is still near nil, however, I guess I could be, and that would mean that the spotting I had today could be implant bleeding--- see what I mean, it doesnt stop) Knowing in my head that this is almost nearly impossible, I am allowing my wanting of another child to push me into a false hope that is destroyed everytime. Yes, I even POAS to answer my own questions. It was negative. I'm driving myself nuts! My DH has drawn his line in the sand, and I cannot cross that line anymore. He has made it oh so very clear that he does not want another child, and I cant knowingly decieve him just for my own feelings. If it happens, it happens... but its not my deck of cards to deal... I have asked the same question you are thinking, what about how I feel and what I want? I will not lose my DH over this, no matter how I feel or what I want. So I think its time for me to take a hiatus from IAP(unless of course I am having implant bleeding.........) I can be found farming on Facebook, or feel free to drop me an email. I love you all, and you truly are the most wonderful women God created. I am lucky to have been a part of your journey and if God intends for me to come back (like with a JAN bfp (j/k).... believe me, I will be! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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1 Comments on Looking Forward!!


nainakika - Thursday, 24 Dec
Good luck with everything sweetie and have a very happy Merry Christmas!!!!