13yearsapart's I-am-pregnantblog

13yearsapart
	Age: 32 Country: USA Province/region: Minnesota City: Blaine Partner: Married to Jason Children: Yes, 3 Pregnant: No Occupation: Sales Consultant
	Online: More than 3 months ago Last updated: 490 days ago. Member since: 1253 days
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07-10-2009 - Feeling Lost

My mood while writing this blog:
Sad

I'm not quite sure whats happening to me, but I am so f*king lost in life right now. I can't seem to pick myself up and dust myself off ...I have no clue whats happened to me. Maybe I'm selfish, but I feel lost in my family, like I only exsist to take care of them and what they need....what about me? I feel guilty for feeling this way, and like I shoul dbe happy that they need me...but I just want to sit in a corner and cry! Hannah is now 6 mo's and demanding as ever of my time. Nikki is 13yrs and is starting that teenage attitude of I don't hang out with my mom. And Jason is so wrapped up in his bike and racing that I get left behind when he goes to pit for his friends race team for the weekend.

My job is very trying and is getting worse and worse every day it seems. We're living with Jason's aunt and uncle and I feel like I have no home of my own. Like I have to watch every little thing I do, and not be myself there. We're broke and I'm stressed about money 24/7....we argue about who spends what, and if it was really necissary. I hate that we both work full time and can't seem to get a head and we're living paycheck to paycheck. My step son's 16th B-day is in 2 weeks and now Jason wants to make the 700 mile drive to go give him a b-day present. I love that boy like he is my own, but we can't afford that right now and Jason won't listen and see that it'll just put us more behind.

My friends don't call to hang out any more since I had Hannah, which tells me who my true friends really are I guess. But I see and hear about them going out and having parties, and realize that I wasn't even invited! It hurts alot!! Jason pretty much ignores it and me, he bitches about getting up at night if I'm too exhausted to move and seems to expect a spotless apartment. I work 5 days a week full time, and do all the cooking, and taking care of Hannah and Nikki, and cleaning when I can. But it's not good enough it seems....

Maybe I am just emotional, or depressing, or maybe he just wants a better wife. I'm just down and feeling like a huge failure as a woman, mother, and wife. Sorry this was so long and depressing, just had to get it out.

~Candy

5 Comments on Feeling Lost

tysl - Thursday, 8 Oct
its good to release out ya and I think you need it...even though I have one baby but my time is all there for her ya....

riknlee - Wednesday, 7 Oct
I hope this isn't too personal but are you taking the pill. They can really mess with your emotions and state of mind. I am working right now but I will come back and read your blog properly soon

Julianna - Wednesday, 7 Oct
There is nothing wrong with the way your are feeling. You have had at least 3 major life changing events in the last few 6 months or so and even 1 life-changing event can cause you to feel the way you do. Doctors say that post-partum depression can affect you beginning anywhere up to a year after the baby is born so it could be that also. If you think you need help, then don't be afraid or ashamed to get help. If you just need to vent to get through it.....We're here foryou to do that. You are in a tough situation. I'm here for you if you want to send a PM or anything. Otherwise If you'd like I can just keep you in my prayers!

jterrill08 - Wednesday, 7 Oct
Oh girl! I went through that just two weeks ago!!! I was soooo depressed. I was upset about being broke, I was mad about the condo not selling and our house not having any showings, I was depressed about dieting and not being able to eat or drink ANYTHING that I enjoyed, I had a woman come up to me at dinner one night while I was with family and try to sell me a girdle!!! And whats worse is, I was already wearing one! That's sad! And then my cat peed on our carpet (and you know you can never get that out), I was not getting any help with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and making the bed, cleaning bottles, my husband doesn't want to be intimate with me for fear of getting me pregnant again, I work full time and keep the baby with me at work (so that's exhausting juggling the two)... And I was coming up on another birthday. I had, had it up to my eyebrows with just crap. But, I had a good cry about it, I vented and then a week later, things just eventually started being okay. Not necessarily better... but okay. I'm not so upset anymore, I'm just grateful for what i do have. I see how healthy Laya is and I had a long talk with Scott about how I felt and he said he would try to do better and help. You know, I just pray everyday for things to work out and with time, they usually do. And I will keep you in my prayers too. I think you are just going through a really difficult time but that it will get better eventually. Just don't feel so alone. Your friends probably want to invite you out but they might be concerned about your money situation and dont want to put you in a rough position. But you deserve to breathe and just tell jason that he's going to have to watch the baby for one night because you are going over to a friends house to just catch up and have a glass of wine! Then call up your close girlfriends, get them together and just have a girls night at one of their houses.

LilMrsK - Wednesday, 7 Oct
Good grief I'm so sorry to read this. I know how you feel though and I don't have any kiddos yet. I'm always tired, over worked, under paid and exhausted. I thought I would just let you know that those feelings you are not alone in!I'm so sorry you are feeling so down and do hope that you get a chance for some 'you time'. Maybe make a point of going on a walk alone? Go window shopping or something just to break out of your routine a bit.I think a mother is never thanked enough for all they do. One day your children will grow up and appreciate what you've done. Keep your head up Candy!xoxoxoxo

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