15-10-2009 - Finding my path

My mood while writing this blog: Better

I have felt very bad the last few months and it is all coming to a head.....in my head! I have come to a crossroad in my life and am stuck in the middle of the intersection. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a lot of self doubting and even more guilty feeling. In all the mess I have come to some conclusions...one... I need to find my path, two... I need to be more self empowered, and three....I need to grow up!

One...Finding My Path.....

I need to find my path in life, the thing that makes me happy and the thing I was put on this earth to do. I know that I have found part of the way, because I have my beautiful daughters and a loving husband. But I need to do something fulfilling with the rest of my days, and have decided that I want to open my own business. I have no college education and no real management experience...but I don’t care. I have to feel like I am contributing to my families well being and my communities well being. My dream is to have a children’s second hand store...not like the ones we have around here now, they are awful!! I want something nice and pretty, and not stuffed to the ceilings with junk but with home made educational toys and books. So I am going to start looking for government minority business owner grants and loans to see if I can get this dream off the ground.

Two...Self Empowerment...

I have come to the realization that I am not as empowered as I used to like to think. I have lost my way and need to get it back...I used to be so strong and independent! I am going to see a psychiatrist and start the process of rediscovery, to get my strength back and to regain my feelings of confidence. I'm not sure what happened in my life to make me lose that, but I know that I miss it and I feel incomplete. I hear my conscience talking me out of this and out of that....and then I feel bad that I may have let someone down in the process. I need to find my back bone, and need to show my daughters how to be a proud upstanding woman. I was a spit fire, and now my fire has gone out. It worries me that something could drain me out and take all the positivity out of me! Have no fear, I will return better than ever...I promise myself that!

Three....Growing Up...

Growing up is a hard one, because I thought that I was grown...until I realized that I pout like a child when things don't go my way or I don't get my way! It may sound ridiculous, but it's totally true. I am a 32 year old wife and mother and I pout and throw fits when things are the way I want them. It's about time I take responsibility for my emotions and learn that nothing is as it seems and probably never will be! I've lived a lot of disappointments...emotionally draining disappointments....the kid that kick you in the teeth when your face is already in the mud disappointments. But now I must learn that when shit like that happens, that I need to take it full on and solve the problems and not berate anyone for it going wrong.

My life has been very difficult, but by no means unlivable! I have to readjust myself to the changes that have happened and pull myself out of the muck and yuck I've been stuck in. I love my family and I never want to lose them, but if I stay on the path of self pity I am on now I will drive them away!

I always feel better after blogging out my problems and I love the ladies that have supported me over the last year! You are all wonderful and I appreciate each and everyone of you that take the time to read my blogs and help me over the hurdle I have come to. You don't know me very well, and I don't know you, but my life over the last year has been touched by many of you and I thank you for being there for me!

~Much love and respect~