05-1-2010 - New Year, New Start

My mood while writing this blog: Contemplative

Well so begins a new year....2009 was quite the challenge for me and my family. A lot of changes, a lot of stress, a lot of sadness and a lot of happiness. I am hoping that this year will be better and am going to strive to make my life happier. I am coming to realize that I am no longer a "20something" woman, and that I am in deed a "30something" that needs to be a bit more mature about things and let go of my "younger" wants. I am a mother to three great kids, a wife to a great husband and a friend to many dear people.

I seem to have lost myself in the last two years, and am bound and determined to get her back. I read a friends blog about being embarrassing to her children and that she felt lost and I connected immediately. I used to be thinner and prettier and took better care of myself, but since getting pregnant back in July of 08 I let it all go and stopped being me. I stopped doing the things that made me happy, stopped taking the time to do the little things, and see the light in someones eye’s and smell the roses in a garden. I stopped everything but taking care of everyone else but me!

I lost myself in our new little one and in the depths of my PP depression just gave up. I didn’t want to do things or go places or be with people. I stopped doing crafts and stopped reading books and taking walks. I don’t relish the day anymore, and I don't take joy in simple things anymore. I've let my feelings of inadequacy and self consciousness triumph over everything I do. And that’s not ok! Maybe I just needed a reality check...not sure how it came about...but whatever got a fire lit under me can only serve to help….right?!

Most of you know about the troubles with my marriage, and although it has gotten better, I still find myself asking "what if". What if I am not the one for him, or what if he leaves, or what if he's cheating or what if I just leave would it be better....these are all things I think about ALL the time. And I know that’s only making things more difficult for us....but it seems as though I can help it. I just need to set it all aside and concentrate on being happy and making him happy in turn. I have to realize that he loves me for me, not what I look like, or sound like, or who my friends are. I need to stop thinking like I am 20 years old, and start thinking like a 32 year old should! I’m not a clubbing chick, or a party girl or a bar hopper anymore…I am a mother with responsibilities to my children to be their mother, not their BFF!! It’s hard to let that life go, as I never had it because I had my oldest daughter at 19…so I missed out on my 20’s and was just getting a taste of what I missed out on when I got pregnant with Hannah. Maybe with the new reality of what my life should be it’ll be easier to get that monkey off my back…it’s worth a try at the very least!

With the new year here and started, I can only hope and pray for good things for my family and friends. It's been a hell of a year so far, and we're only 5 days in! Ha ha ha!! I do have a few spots of good news, we were able to get a new car over the New Years holiday and I am getting to take a trip to Florida for work. I leave day after tomorrow!! Yippee...I've never been to the east coast so this should be lots of fun. And my whole department is going, so that makes it even better as we all get along very well. So, all I have to do now is finish packing and get my hair done!

There are some exciting things planned for this year, and I can not wait for each of them. So, here's hoping that all goes well for you and your families, and that we all prosper in the new year!! Take care!!

~Candy~