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| 18-1-2010 - Broken hearted once again... |
My mood while writing this blog: Devastated! |
:::BAD LANGUAGE ALERT:::Don't read if you are easily offended!
So, all that great talk abotu how I'm gonna get it together this year is out the DAMNED window. Lets all take a moment to thank my dear hubby for this one! He's fucking done it AGAIN!!! He's broken my heart and now I am left to figure out what to do. God help me...please...
So I was out of town for work, in Hollywood Florida, for four days. It was a nightmare of a trip and I was soooo happy to be home. I had to take the following day off after my return to offset working through the weekend. So I was at home with Hannah last Tuesday, and decided to jump on the computer. My hubby finally got the new router and card for it while I was away, so I was super excited to finally surf at normal speeds again!
The night before this ill fated Tuesday, my oldest daughter was telling me about a funny skit on Saturday Night Live involving Taylor Lautner (from the Twilight & New Moon movies) while we were at dinner after they picked me up from the airport. We are fans of the books and movies, as I read the books and she had too prior to the movies coming out, and I missed the show being I was working. So i jump online and was trying to view the skit, and after like 10 minutes I decide to look in the web history for the one she was telling me about.
Low and behold I find a website that catches my eye in our web history. So I clicked on it and it takes me to ashleymadison.com! It was a log in link, I didn't think that it would log me in but it logged me alright....straight onto MY HUSBANDS ACCOUNT! I don't know if any of you know about this website, but it's for married people looking to have affairs! Its for FUCKIN CHEATERS!!! And they have to PAY for memberships! I was in complete shock, and disbelief...there was no way this could be Jason's account....but the screen name is one he's used for other things, and then I went through the whole account...it has his height, weight, what city we lived in and what he was looking for!
I cried and cried....how on earth can he do this to me? So being that he was at work, I text messaged him and asked him what the website was doing on our computer. And he lies to me! Telling me that he was just looking to see what it was and that he's not a member. So I tell him I hacked his account and I know all of it and I saw the messages he sent to other women WHILE I WAS OUT OF TOWN! GOD DAMN HIM TO HELL!!
He tells me that he was just looking to get some pictures and blah, blah, blah. And says that if I was more physical with him that he wouldn;t be looking for these pictures! What the FUCK ever!!!! He had the snip 3 weeks ago, I had my period 2 weeks ago, and then went out of town a week ago...so where in that time span was there an appropriate time for sex?!!!
Now I am torn in what to do...my decision doesn't just effect me. We talked a lot in the last few days, but I can't trust him. What kind of marriage can we really have without trust?
God grant me the wisdom to make the right decision....I'm tired of getting my heart broken and my face shoved in the dirt....but I love this man with all that I am...
I'm tired, I'm broken, and now I am having to choose....Sorry I can't finish this right now. I'll post more later...
12 Comments on Broken hearted once again...Carolinagirls -
Wednesday, 27 Jan My DH strayed while I was pregnant. I caught him on a date at the movies!! I never blogged about it because I didn't want to have any memory of it. It was Nov of last year. So, I know how you feel. I also know that you have had problems in the past with his honesty and if were you I would not tolerate it. If I EVER catch Jason (my Jason...isn't your hubby Jason too? If not sorry...there's a lot of us to keep up with) well, if I ever catch him even a slight slip up. I have promised myself that it's over!! And I'm not playing. I'm too young and I have too much going for me to waste my feelings on him if he's going to hurt me!! With that said, DH knows better than to leave a history up so I would never know!! I have looked into his email because I don't totally trust him. It was only like a year ago. I'm soo sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve it. I'll pray for you and I hope he gets his act together.... My2nd -
Friday, 22 Jan oh sweety, I don't know what to say, except I am crying with you inside....that is truly the worst freeking news you could get when you get home. Good luck! My2nd -
Friday, 22 Jan oh sweety, I don't know what to say, except I am crying with you inside....that is truly the worst freeking news you could get when you get home. Good luck! kaysfamily -
Wednesday, 20 Jan ohh Candy :'( This is not right for him to flip on ya and blame you for it! he should have tried himself more if you didn't/or have time! It's a 2 way street when u are married not 1 way. i wish i was near ya nd help you through this. you gotta do whats best for oyu and yoour children now it's now a 1 way street since he is beign that way and not caring for you or your children! you will make it! you are tough and strong woman i believe you will do the right thing for you and your children. I think you need to get out and be happy! it will be tough and hard but you will be much happier and healther and your kids will be much better too once you have your own place. you are still young and your kids need you ! you dont need someone like him around you. get child support and let him see the kids whatever but honstley i'd think it's enough crap from him, you need to live your life and just put it in your head he's just not the same anymore and if he is doing this crap it will never change. you have done the marriage councling and nothing came out of it and you tried. just know you tried and he's the one who falied. i'm around let me know if theres anything i can do or you wanna chat . your friend Kathy **hugs** tysl -
Wednesday, 20 Jan sorry to hear what happened ya! If I would you,I will do the same thing like you. No matter what happen, may God gives you strength and God bless you mommy! jterrill08 -
Tuesday, 19 Jan :( I'm so sorry sweetie. I know about AshleyMadison.com. They talk about it all the time on the radio. It makes me sick. Had it been me, and I saw something like that, I would leave him. You deserve to be happy and you haven't been for a long time. I know you want to try to work it out because of the kids but, your babies need to know that this is not acceptable and that women don't deserve to be treated like doormats while their husbands do whatever they want. He is the one that is making this decision for you. He is the one that is throwing your marriage out the window. Not you. Obviously, not only does he not care about you, but he's not putting his kids best interests at thought here. He is not stupid, he knows there is a chance you could find out what he's doing. And yet he still decides to risk it all. Is sex worth more to him then his family??? You have to ask yourself that. Because apparently, while you were gone, it did. Seriously, Respect is one of the key ingredients to a happy marriage and there is absolutely no respect for you. And that is really REALLY sad. Get out of there and become a strong independant woman for your kids. Let he grow up and find out whats really important to him. Because he doesn't deserve you and you certainly don't deserve his shit. LilMrsK -
Tuesday, 19 Jan So now I'm pissed after reading this!!! That's just WRONG. I don't care if you aren't 'physical' enough for him...that is no excuse for him to have an account like that! I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this mess. I really can't believe that he has done this to you. You are a beautiful person who deserves nothing but the best. xoxo heidismummy -
Tuesday, 19 Jan it sounds like the guy doesnt deserve you or have much respect for you. cheaters always try to turn it around into being someone else's fault. they excuse their actions and intentions by usually blaming their partner. i think the trouble is that he knows you love him to pieces and that the last thing you would want is a divorce because you have children together etc etc. because of this reason alone he has the biggest hold of you and therefore for you to pluck the courage and strength up to leave him is something that is quite unlikely to happen. i just hope perhaps you learn that trust is so important and that self worth and your own happiness is more important than pretending everything is okay when it isnt. it's not like you haven't tried in the past, it just looks like you try, you look after, you do all the hard work, and he repays you by doing this?! i hope you make the right decision and keep strong, when someone does this to you it literally blows all your self esteem out until you think nobody in the world would ever want you. you deserve more, (((((((hugs))))))) mrsjmickens1 -
Monday, 18 Jan a marriage is NOTHING without trust. you deserve better. let it go. i promise you will feel better when its all said n done. aliwitbaby -
Monday, 18 Jan :( xoxox NinaBo-Bina -
Monday, 18 Jan God, grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change ( like his sudden interest in online chat sluts ) The courage to change the things you can ( like having that dreaded talk about any previous affairs ) and the wisdom to know the difference ( like what your capable of changing or not ). I am sorry you see this. I can't imagine the break in my heart if I saw my honey surfing a site like this. I got mad when he was just on classmates.com looking up old high school buddies.. Julianna -
Monday, 18 Jan Oh NOOO...Sweetie. I feel for you! I am so sorry you are having to go through this! I know how difficult it is to even think straight when things like this go on. I'm not going to tell you what to do because only you can make that choice. Just respect your self worth and be strong for yourself and the kids, whatever you choose! BIG HUG!!!!