12-3-2010 - I might leave him...

My mood while writing this blog: Confused

Hi all, I know it's been a while since any of you have heard from me and for that I apologize. I've been doing some serious soul searching lately and life has thrown me more curve balls!! So we found an apartment, and could move as soon as June if we get the call that one is open. And now I find myself wondering if I really want to keep going and trying to keep this family together, and if I don't then why move?

Jason had another episode of a night out with his "friends" and didn't bother to call or text me and came home as I was getting up with Hannah at 5:15 AM! I get the story that "whoops, I fell asleep and when I woke up I realized it was five am"...seriously?! Am I really to believe that after everything else we've been through? Of course, I take his word....cause I'm an idiot, and dont'want to feel like a failure. But I don't think that this is really going to be my forever anymore....

It's more than the lies now, it's everything...he doesn't kiss me goodnight anymore, he doesn't call me beautiful or sweety or any other names he used to. I tried calling him the things I used to to remind him, but he doesn't. He's grumpy all the time, won't let me near his cell phone, and then for the first time EVER in 15 years, he couldn't sustain when we BD'd. He went limp in like 5 minutes....I seriously think something or someone has him distracted.

Maybe I'm just finally seeing what everyone else already has, or maybe I'm seeing something that's just not there...I don't know.... All I do know is I am miserable and don't want to raise the girls this way. I can't afford to raise them on my salary so I have no clue where I'd go or what I'd do if I did finally cut the ties. I started putting money away, but so far I have $100....not much, but it's something I guess. My parents would help me, but they aren't in a place to let me and the kids stay with them or help me a lot financially.

I'm just sick of feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm not cherished or loved the way I need to be. Do I sound crazy or like I'm asking too much? I've talked to my BFF a little about it, but not a lot...it's not something I can openly talk about so it's hard. I just have all these doubts and worries and frankly I'm freaked out thinking I might be a single parent in less than a year....

Please say a little prayer for me to find my way, I'm definately lost in all of this and can't find the right path.

Thanks ladies, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

~Candy~