Well ladies, I know some of you have been worried and I apologize for not blogging sooner.
So, I moved out and left Jay last Wednesday...and I have been staying with my mom and step dad since. I see Jay everyday, due to him living with his aunt and that who keeps Hannah for me while I work. And after moving out I have found that Jay and I are actually communicating like we were supposed to be for the last 15 years! It's all a bit odd how this came about, but long story short we have decided to stay separated but are going to see if some couseling as individuals and as a family will patch things up.
I am no angel in all this mess for sure and feel free to judge if you must. But while Jay was out with friends and all that messing around I've described in earlier blogs, I was actually communicating with an ex. He and I go way back to high schoold and he had found me on facebook about five or six months ago. We started out just chatting and catching up over 18 years of life, and then it kinda just blossomed up into feelings and such.
Mind you he is in another state and not anywhere accessable to me. So there was no cheating in the physical sense. But I did find myself attracted to him still and we were starting to talk like we were going to start something physical. I knew in the back of my mind that I couldn't do that to Jay no matter how aweful our marriage was, but the intent was there. And that scared me! So I told Jay about it and of course he was hurt by it and felt betrayed. Which I totally had coming!!! I told him a few days befor I left him, just to hurt him because he had hurt me so bad.
All in all is was a miserable last few days together. We cried a lot togehter and separately...and then a few days after I left him it hit me how very much I still love him and am in love with him. I had to stop being hurt and mad to realize that I was about to file for divorce from the man that I really and truely loved. that hit me so damn hard, it damn near took my breath away!!!! So we met up the other day and really talked and he was so torn up it broke my heart. We have decided that we need to stay separated for a few months and work on our selves with trained professionals before we go jumping back into the fray.
This has probably been the best thing to happen to our marriage since all this crap started two years ago. We needed a wake up call and me leaving was the best way to show Jay that he did some really BAD shit to me, and he finally owned up to it ALL! I got the truth and it took me moving out and taking our children for him to sit back and realize WHY! I am struggling with it of course, but I am willing to work through all the bad to get back to the good.
I got some really great advice a very long time ago, and have given to others in tough times. But it really, really makes sense to me now...." GOD only gives you hurdles he knows you can handle, how you get over them is your choice"
GOD has blessed me in many ways and thrown a lot of hurdles at me along the way. I am thankful for them all, as I wouldn't be the person I am today without the trials and tribulations I have endured. I am finding that I am a strong woman, a good mother, and now a loving wife. Jay and I are making real progress right now and I hope that it continues as we enter counseling.
Thank all of you for your love, support and prayers for my family. We are truely blessed to have that kind of love! I'll blog more in the near future my dears, have a great weekend!