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Age: 32
Country: USA
Province/region: Minnesota
City: Blaine
Partner: Married to Jason
Children: Yes, 3
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09-4-2010 - Moved out and found the truth! HopefulMy mood while writing this blog:

Well ladies, I know some of you have been worried and I apologize for not blogging sooner.

So, I moved out and left Jay last Wednesday...and I have been staying with my mom and step dad since. I see Jay everyday, due to him living with his aunt and that who keeps Hannah for me while I work. And after moving out I have found that Jay and I are actually communicating like we were supposed to be for the last 15 years! It's all a bit odd how this came about, but long story short we have decided to stay separated but are going to see if some couseling as individuals and as a family will patch things up.

I am no angel in all this mess for sure and feel free to judge if you must. But while Jay was out with friends and all that messing around I've described in earlier blogs, I was actually communicating with an ex. He and I go way back to high schoold and he had found me on facebook about five or six months ago. We started out just chatting and catching up over 18 years of life, and then it kinda just blossomed up into feelings and such.

Mind you he is in another state and not anywhere accessable to me. So there was no cheating in the physical sense. But I did find myself attracted to him still and we were starting to talk like we were going to start something physical. I knew in the back of my mind that I couldn't do that to Jay no matter how aweful our marriage was, but the intent was there. And that scared me! So I told Jay about it and of course he was hurt by it and felt betrayed. Which I totally had coming!!! I told him a few days befor I left him, just to hurt him because he had hurt me so bad.

All in all is was a miserable last few days together. We cried a lot togehter and separately...and then a few days after I left him it hit me how very much I still love him and am in love with him. I had to stop being hurt and mad to realize that I was about to file for divorce from the man that I really and truely loved. that hit me so damn hard, it damn near took my breath away!!!! So we met up the other day and really talked and he was so torn up it broke my heart. We have decided that we need to stay separated for a few months and work on our selves with trained professionals before we go jumping back into the fray.

This has probably been the best thing to happen to our marriage since all this crap started two years ago. We needed a wake up call and me leaving was the best way to show Jay that he did some really BAD shit to me, and he finally owned up to it ALL! I got the truth and it took me moving out and taking our children for him to sit back and realize WHY! I am struggling with it of course, but I am willing to work through all the bad to get back to the good.

I got some really great advice a very long time ago, and have given to others in tough times. But it really, really makes sense to me now...." GOD only gives you hurdles he knows you can handle, how you get over them is your choice"

GOD has blessed me in many ways and thrown a lot of hurdles at me along the way. I am thankful for them all, as I wouldn't be the person I am today without the trials and tribulations I have endured. I am finding that I am a strong woman, a good mother, and now a loving wife. Jay and I are making real progress right now and I hope that it continues as we enter counseling.

Thank all of you for your love, support and prayers for my family. We are truely blessed to have that kind of love! I'll blog more in the near future my dears, have a great weekend!


4 Comments on Moved out and found the truth!

jterrill08 - Monday, 12 Apr
Keeping you guys in my prayers. Stay strong hon!

My2nd - Monday, 12 Apr
I am so glad you are getting to sit back ang gain some perspective on your life...sounds like you are really feeling good about this and I think you guys are going about it the right way. I was a tad worried about you, but glad to hear that you are well. Good luck with the councelling and whatever other hurdles you have to face...I am sure you will ACE them all! Thinking of you honey...you're not alone.

riknlee - Friday, 9 Apr
that is so sweet! this is great news but sometimes, we don't always treat the people we love very well. Which is the case with him. I think sometimes our feelings of self worth are all tied up in this too. And self sabotage comes into play too. It's great that you are getting the counselling and it will help the kids in the long run and your own mind too over the years. I don't doubt what you say but keep in mind, seperating is scary and you might be tempted into running back to him even emotionally to get you through this time. When someone isn't treating you right, you lose who you are are through hurt and keeping up a defence and it makes it very easy to have feelings for people who treat you decently - I would/'nt feel too guilty over that at all. Stand up for yourself Candy. You are a beautitful strong women who deserves to be treated right. Is Jay going to change at his core? How hard is it to treat the person you love with respect and dignity after all. I adore my hubby and I am very grateful to him for allowing me this chance to stay home with my baby, for giving me this beautiful child, and for being a daddy to my three girls, so I go out of my way to make him feel appreciated and loved. I do things for him that I know he will enjoy I am not saying what we have is perfect but we don't go round mindlessly hurting each other. In the end, you can only go by what you feel is right, you have made some courageous choices for yourself so far. All I am saying is don't run back just yet. I think no matter how much love you feel without all the daily stresses of living together, you deserve to be treated right and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. In my book, coming home at 5 am with a lame explanation isn't giving you respect. We love you no matter what you choose and only want you to be happy. thanks for updating.

Carolinagirls - Friday, 9 Apr
I'm glad you are coming to some sort of self realization and feeling a little better about things. The important thing is that you realize what it is you want. I want you to be happy with or without him. You deserve the best life has to offer. Don't ever think less. I know you love him. He's your husband and the father of your children. I hope that you can work things out if that's what you want, but I just want you to be very careful and not let the LOVE blind you. You know what I mean? You will always love him whether or not you are married to him. I wouldn't give in just yet. Go to counseling but don't let him get out of this too easy. If he thinks that he knows you will come back, he is likely to go through the motions of counseling without really understanding the meaning of it all. (even though he will say he does) That's the only thing I"m worried about. Let him sweat it out a bit. Don't let him know you are thinking about ever coming back. If he thinks there might still not be a chance, he might REALLY start to think about himself in a whole new way. I'm not trying to be discouraging in any way at all. I'm soo proud of you and supportive of whatever decision you make!!! I just wanted to make sure that you don't let him off the hook too easy! You're a strong, intelligent woman, and I'm sure you have thought about all of this already, but be careful because love is a powerful thing and it can make you do things outside of your character. (I know, because I've been through a similar experience with my husband and LOVE made me come back home 2 days after I left!!) I feel like I let him off the hook too easy but if it makes you feel better, I haven't had any porblems since!! Good luck!!!! Let us know how things are going and YES it has been too long and YES I was wondering about how you were doing!! Take care, hang in there!! And be STRONG!!!!! MUCH LOVE TO YOU GIRL!!!!!
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