1stimemama's I-am-pregnantblog

1stimemama
	Age: 24 Country: South Africa Province/region: Western Province City: Cape Town Partner: Neville Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: graphic designer, work from home
	Online: More than 3 months ago Last updated: 618 days ago. Member since: 1118 days
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09-4-2009 - Depression while being pregnant:(

My mood while writing this blog:
awful, confused, angry

So on tues 7april we went to see the gyne and she said that marco weighs 7.71 pounds and his head is not engaged although he has dropped. So she cant do an induction, but she also is not positive that he will engage soon...apparently big babies are difficult due to the way they are lying and the size of their sholders etc etc, and after 9.03 pounds you are considered a high risk pregnancy etc and thats what he will be weighing round 39 weeks. So she said if he has not dropped by 39 weeks then she will have to do a c-sec. I really did not want a c-sec, but am ok with it now aslong as he comes out good and healthy. The thing is if you have read my prev blog i was diagnosed with low thyroid and she said we just have to look out for post natal depression...but lucky me got it early and am now at 37 and a half weeks sitting and sobbing my eyes out. The one minute im fine, the next minute i find myself crying and having the most awful thoughts about my baby...thoughts that i am really even too scared to post as all of you will think that i am such an awfull mom, and i really feel like i am cos what kind of mother has these thoughts.And then the next minute im rubbing my belly and telling him how much i love him but crying at the same time.

I know its the hormones and the thyroid doing this to me and i spoke to the doc just now over the phone and she is putting me on antidepressants, which i dont even think i want to take (my family has a bad history with depression etc) but i will cos i cant stand thinking these thoughts im even thinking about ways to hurt myself and i dont know why...this is so not me, im a happy, enthusiastic, motivated person...i dont suffer from depression...last time i was similar to this was when i was a teenager and was cutting myself...i was like 17!

Im being robbed, im suppose to be happy and excited, atleast i know my boy will be here before 40 weeks and i dont have to wait much longer, but instead all these thoughts.

I cant say it to my husband as i did on tues eve and he flipped on me, but i dont mean it, but i do. Its so hard to explain to someone who is not going through it. Then i try and distract my mind from it but it sneaks up on you and the next moment you back to crying and having ugly thoughts.Please, if there is anyone out there with post natal depression or depression while preggo, please let me know, i am feeling so lost and so scared for my own thoughts...i just dont know what to do or how to handle it.

Husband is going to pick up my tablets now, and im suppose to get blood done again for thyroid but i dont want to.

Please pray, i feel like i need the worlds prayers to get me through this, im even crying now for marco, is this how i am going to feel when he is born? Please god i pray it will pass and that the tablets will work, i want to enjoy my baby and love him and cuddle and kiss him, not cry and not want anything to do with him...

I am just feeling so alone and so lost and so totally...depressed...i hate that!!!

6 Comments on Depression while being pregnant:(

lilshell77 - Thursday, 9 Apr
You are not alone, I just gave birth a little over 2 weeks ago and after about 5 days the panic, depression, crying, bad thoughts etc started. It has been horrible but I know it's the stupid hormones. My doctor has also put me on antidepressants, they haven't had time to start working yet but I have been feeling much better on my own. Hormones must be leveling out cause I feel so much better. You know nobody really tells you or prepares you for the possibility of this happening. My doctor thinks mine was due to the stress of my pregnancy and delivery as they were both very risky, as partly were my brother passed away last year and the anniversary is coming up. But just remember it can and does get better, I'm not crying anymore, no more stupid thoughts and finally got my appetite back. So try to hang in there and message anytime you want to talk.

~mama J~ - Thursday, 9 Apr
I just want you to know that you are not alone. Thru both of my pregnancies i have suffered from depression to the point of actually having to take medication. With my first i actually got really bad post partum depression as well. Most of it is due to crazy hormones and lack of sleep. I have never been a cryer and now i can and will at the drop of a hat. Its nuts what pregnancy does to your body. Definatly talk to your doc. They should offer some sort of relief or advice for the way you are feeling. I actually find that going to the gym this time around has definatly helped. Staying active releases horones into your body called endorphins that contain a mood lifting chemical. It has helped so much. If you find yourself feeling extremely down. Put on your ipod with some upbeat music and go for a walk. It usually makes me feel better. Good luck my girl!!

mommy537743 - Thursday, 9 Apr
im so sorry hunni you will be fine unfortunatly it takes time to get over depression...i got the baby blues! right after i had my so i got ridiculously depressed i felt like i wasnt going to be a good enough mother i was stressing really bad an crying all the time but it finally passed aidyn is now 7 months old yesterday and were both doing fine hes getting so big im sure its because hes 100% breastfed and then he loves cereal an baby food on top of that! they do grow up so fast tho so cherish every moment! aidyns already around 20 lbs...he was born 7lb 13oz so u can see they go from tiny to getting into everything in a short period well good luck sweetie i will keep you in my prayers!!!

amber-d - Thursday, 9 Apr
I hvae had to go on antidepressants in the past and they do work but only if you take them and regularly. If you skip here and there you do more damage than good to yourself. This is really hard. You have (we all have) a lot of emotions going through us right now. Never be ashamed to say how you feel. It's better to talk about it than keep it to yourself. You are doing the right thing by seeking help right away. There is no shame in that at all. Depression is terrible and you have every right to feel you are being robbed because thats exactly what depression does, it robs you of who you are but the good news is there are ways to beat it and this will not last forever. Stay acrive. Don't isolate yourself, that is the worst thing you can do. Even if it's just taking a walk, get out of hte house every day even for a few minutes. Pulling the blinds closed and hiding out will not help and if you are like me at that time thats all I wanted to do. Never feel ashamed of your feelings. Anyone who has been through depression realizes that it is normal to think those thoughts and will not judge you and will only want to help. I'm glad you are getting pills and talking about this. I hate taking pills but I remember after a few weeks of taking them waking up one day and feeling like I was opening my eyes for the first time in a looooong time. I felt alive and "happy" and felt like I could handle anything that came my way...I felt myself again...you will too. Keep your doctor posted on anything you feel, any side affects of the meds and most importantly on how you are feeling in general. It may take a little while because unfortunately we are all on a hormonal rollercoaster these days but stay the course and you will get through this. Talk to us anytime. I think there is a forum on PPD and Depression in this website. Read what it says and you will realize you are not alone and you CAN beat this. Please never hesitate to talk now. We are here for you. I sincerely hope you feel better soon. Take care...Amber

8thmaydueday - Thursday, 9 Apr
I feel so bad for you, wish i could help. If it's any comfort to you, i'm not super excited, which i thought i would be. I have moments when i think, what the hell have i done, then i feel guilty and push the thought aside. I told my mum that i sometimes feel like that, and she looked at me like i was from another planet. I know it's not the same as what you're going through, but it is a little disturbing. Take the tablets, pamper yourself, and dont beat yourself up about it. You're not the first expectant mother to feel this way, and you wont be the last. When he arrives i'm sure you'll be overwhelmed with love for him, and if it doesn't happen instantly, it'll come, and your doctor will help. Goodluck, take care. x

anisa - Thursday, 9 Apr
hey, i am so sorry that you are going through this,i went through depression myself,when i lost my 2 children and i was on anti depressents as well..they do work,you should try therapy it really helps to talk about your feelings..i would tell you to take each day as it comes dont think about tommorrow too much,be strong and think positive thoughts..try and get out of the house as much as possible,and do things that makes you feel good...i hope things get better,,,

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