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2ndtimearound4us
Age: 22
Country: US
Province/region: Ohio
City: Middleburg Hts
Partner: Pete
Children: Yes, 1
Pregnant: No
Occupation: SAHM
Online: 51 days ago.
Last updated: 107 days ago.
Member since: 133 days
| Profile | Photos (13) | Children (1) | Blog (8) | Polls (2)
| Agenda (1) | Comments added (2) | Notepad
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19-8-2008 - it's official...i'm not pregnant anymore ;( (plus some ranting that came out of left field) devastatedMy mood while writing this blog:
devastated



well...i just wanted to update you guys and let you know i'm no longer pregnant...i called my ob's office 1st thing this morning & she got me in with an ultrasound technician at 1 today....

needless to say when pete and i were in the room waiting to find out the results...i just realized what i was about to find out would affect me for the rest of my life in one of two ways....i have read everyone's comments and read that girls have spotted before and yes, also lost tissue, while everything in fact turned out fine....

unfortunately for me, that wasn't the case....the US tech said she couldn't find a heartbeat and that the baby seemed to have stopped developing around 6 weeks.....so for the past 4 weeks i've been going about my life thinking i was going to be a mommy for the 2nd time and i wasn't even pregnant.....

my ob wasn't in the office today so he couldn't talk to me in person like i was told he usually does...so the receptionist (nadine) told me he'd call me tomorrow (tuesday) and discuss with me what he'd like to do....she told me that he'd most likely do a d&c because i've been carrying longer than i should have been...so i'm assuming if not tomorrow, then on wednesday or sometime this week i'll be going to the hospital for this procedure...

ya know what the worst part of all of this...aside from losing a baby that i wanted more than anything....it's that i know when i tell my parents first that i was pregnant...then tell them that i m/c'd....i have this huge gut wrenching feeling that they will be mad at me! 1 for getting pregnant in the same year i just gave birth 2 for not telling them i was pregnant and 3 because "pete & i are not financially stable enough to even CONSIDER having a 2nd child" honestly....who's financially ready for children these days?? we all know kids cost a lot of money-even before they start school & activities & have friends& start dating & might be going to college & getting married......ugh! pete and i know this....we do! but my parents make it sound like i'm completely incapable of raising a child...let alone afford one OR more!!! it just really bothers me to know that they will find some way to make me feel even worse than i already do....

but tell me this-why is it that pete's mom has been the one to ask me how i'm feeling on a day where i've been constantly doing things w/ or for joshua...and she can tell i just need to relax & let someone else hold him for a bit? i know my own mother can see that i'm tired yet she doesn't even ask me how i'm holding up? i guess i don't expect much sympathy from my parents because they were against me having a baby in the 1st place & although they've been fairly supportive...well ya know what? by they i guess i really mean my dad...my mom's been alright lately....we've gone out to lunch a few times recently but my dad? ha! he barely looks me in the eye anymore...maybe says 2-3 sentences to me & will do practically ANYTHING to not hold his own grandson unless i ask him to hold him or my mom just places him in his arms!!!!

ok....obviously this is going to be a lot longer than i expected! plus the truth is out....my dad & i do NOT have a relationship AT ALL! what happened? i played varsity golf all 4 years of HS (sort of to please my dad and make him proud of me so that we'd have something in common).....then because my coach hated me (seriously-she just put up w/me all 4 years because i "paid to play") i didn't play golf in college....which in return then i gained 20 lbs my freshman yr...oh yeah-& not like the freshman 15 lbs you gain from drinking....no no...mine was from eating whatever i wanted because i wasn't being active like i was for every day of my HS years!!!! i started smoking A LOT my freshman yr too.....then i get into some $ problems my sophomore yr...they bring me home n send me to community college for a while....then they feel somehat alright to send me back to start my jr yr and then i meet pete.....(which is when i pretty much quit smoking thank you very much!) then start slacking in some main classes ...then ultimately decided to drop out of college 2 weeks into my spring semester because i realize college isn't where i wanted to be anymore....

then...oh it gets better...i move in with his family for a 2 weeks before we get an apartment together....THEN 4...count em! 1 2 3 4 mo's later...i get pregnant!!! sooo...you can imagine how pleasantly pleased my whole family was.....and to make matters worse...my dad and pete had a huge blowout around last thanksgiving and have barely spoken to each other since!!! they were fake nice to each other at my baby shower...and then i highly doubt me dad even said congratulations to him at the hospital when i had joshua!!! and the greatest part of this all is that only my mom has met pete's mom and his sister.....my dad met them briefly at my baby shower and i have no idea what went on in the waiting room or who talked to whom...but my mom & dad haven't even met pete's dad! (not like i'm dying for that to happen anytime soon) but my main point is that pete and i ARE together...living the life WE both wanted to live....RAISING BOTH their 1st grandchild & none of them have made the effort to get together!!! i know it's suposed to be my duty to do that...but you guys have no idea what things have been said behind someone else's back and then repeated to the other person...my parents have made it perfectly clear that they don't care to meet his dad and his dad really has no interest in meeting my parents......where did all this ranting come from?? i don't know....i'm sure it's the m/c that's making me feel the need to be a little hormonal....but honestly....wouldn't this bother you too if the person you loved and wanted to spend the rest of you life with....their parents made no attempt at trying to form some type of relationship because they do in fact have something in common?!? a grandchild?!?!? ahhhh this is so frustrating!

now you can imagine why i just feel like pete & i should just elope.....i don't want the stress of having family there who can barely stand one another and confess my love for this man whom i love dearly no matter how many hard of times we go through...and then celebtrate our committment for one another and THEN have to hear for THE REST OF MY LIFE how my parents paid for a wedding they never approved of in the first place and that it was a waste because i had a baby first and i took that away from my mom......and she's told me that the wedding of both our dreams is out of the picture because of the choices i've made.....well ya know what? i don't want my parents to pay for my wedding if they're going to make me feel guilty for it the rest of my life! plus i wouldn't have much say as to what the $ would even be spent on.....she laughed when i told her i'd just want a set amt on a check and said i'd plan the wedding myself...which i think i'm capable of doing....because since i met pete i realized that i wanted a simple yet classic wedding....not the extravagant wedding i used to want......anyway this thing with my parents....i can't stand how my mom is these days....she just nags me about trivial things and then expects me to just take it! i'm an adult, i'm almost 23, i'm a SAHM (which by the way she completely disapproves of because "it takes 2 incomes to raise a family" and she's always telling me about jobs in the newspaper and telling me i'd be great at this or great at that.....ahhh plus umm the big one...i'm a mother now! when i try to tell her that what she's doing is starting to make me upset for the 20th time in a polite way...and she doesn't get it....i flip out on her...then she starts to pretend cry and try to make me feel like the bad person because she's just trying to "help" because she's my mother....well, then i get even more upset and tell her that she could have handled it differently and then she would have gotten a different result....but then our conversations have those stupid agonizingly looong held out pauses...i'm talking we have a 15 min conversation but we've really only talked for like a total of 8 min! ahhhh there is no communication between my family and me! they don't even try to be happy for me anymore....it is physically not within them....i don't even want to get started on my brother....the things he said to me when he first found out i was pregnant....you'd be shocked! but....over time we have at least talked and mellowed out and gotten past a lot of all this bs...but he's busy with his life and his gf of 3 yrs+ (and we're all waiting for him to pop the damn question already!) anyway..............so not important right now....

this whole blog was supposed to be about me and how i've been dealing with my loss of my baby....well this is pretty much why i've come to the conclusion that it's my stress levels that have caused me to lose this baby....if my life with my family and my stupid tiffs that i get into with pete about didn't cause me to m/c then i don't know what did! the only answer i keep continuously coming up with....is that this is God's way of telling me i could not handle another baby with my life this chaotic and messed up!!

(oh yeah...did i mention i had major dental work done on top of this sad and depressing day? yeah, i've been poked and prodded vaginally & orally today....both horrible events today....)

anyway.......i've decided that i think it's time to do some changing around here...mainly with me!

here's a list of things i want to accomplish within the next few mo's or so:
1 lose at least 25 lbs
2 start exercising more regularly (use Curve's gym membership from friend!)
3 blog more often to get out frustration because i feel better
4 use protection when having sex-start bc soon...if possible....
5 be a better sahm and actually clean more....(i get stuck on a show and don't do much unless it's playing with the baby, feeding him, changing him, or taking a walk in the park with him)
6 clip coupons to help save money
7 find a GOOD work at home job & do really well at it (want to help supplement our income for a while secretly so pete doesn't know and then surprise him by making some money on the side for us!)
8 try not to get pregnant again this year because i'd like to have some more time with joshua as an only child....i want him to be my little star for a while :)
9 donate more clothes to charity
& 10 print pictures, edit & catch myself up to date in joshua's baby book!!!!!!!

there....i feel a little bit better....for now anyway......good night guys.....



4 Comments on it's official...i'm not pregnant anymore ;( (plus some ranting that came out of left field)


kitz - Wednesday, 3 Sep
Well my situation was quite similar and i decided to move 40 miles away now i really don’t see my family or hear from them much. Which just leaves me, my partner and 2 children, just the way I like it.


Well id like another but that will happen soon enough


Look after ya self hunni and don't let your family or troubles get you down like you say blog more and share your pain and ranting because it really does make for good reading.


minkymoo78 - Tuesday, 19 Aug
Do you feel better for getting that off your chest? A good rant always makes me feel better. I'm really sorry that you've miscarried, it's the most horrible thing that any woman can ever go through so I am sending lots of love and hugs your way. Rant and moan to me anytime you want, I'm always here x

lin - Tuesday, 19 Aug
Sorry to hear about your loss, but your right everything happens for a reason. I am sorry to hear about your troubles with family too. It must be difficult to have no support. My mom is wonderful, my mother in law is super annoying and drives me nuts but she would do anything for my son and is very supportive. I couldnt imagine not having their support and blessing. It must frustrate you so much! Once your parents get over the fact that your not going to turn out to be the "perfect" child they had envisioned for you, they will start to see you for what you have become and acomplished and change their vision or your perfect. Eventually they will see their grandchild and realize that your life couldnt have turned out to be any more perfect than what you have given them. Let hope so anyhow!! It can take awhile for parents to get used to an unplanned pregnancy, especially since it was followed by so many other suprising things to them... quitting school and so on, it was probably quite the shock to their system! But most parent eventually will get past this and start seeing you as the person you have become and the wonderful life you have created for yourself. In the meantime, I feel so bad for you because Im sure not having that support must be difficult. I cant relate unfortunatly because I did the college thing my parents wanted me too, I got married to my 6 year boyfriend, and then I had my baby. But I COULD NOT have dont any of it without their support! My sister on the other hand , has dropped out of school on more than one occassion, has jumped around from job to job, got pregnant by some random guy who she doesnt even talk to anymore, has a two year old son. At first she struggled like you, no support, always disappointing them and they were always putting her down. They seemed to konw exactly what she needed to do to straighten out her life, get a job and give up her baby. Well she had the baby and kept it, living in a tiny basement suit she couldnt afford and then eventually she moved in with me. They wouldnt speak to her for what seemed like forever and then eventually it just slowly got better. Now they wouldnt trade that 2 year old for anything in the world, they finally accept my sisters choices and have realized she is an adult and that they need to back off.

I really hope things work out for you and that someday your parents chose to be a productive part of your families life. I couldnt imagine not having their support and hope for you that someday you can get their support and approval. Stay strong, stay true to yourself and live your life for you and Pete and your baby...not for anyone else.

Take care


mama-to-be09 - Tuesday, 19 Aug
Awww hun
I'm sorry for ur loss. You have too much on your plate for another baby and when the time is right then ull be pregnant again.
I get u on the whole communication thing. Its very frustrating. But everything will get better take it easy. And just make everything positive the best to ur ability.
Everything happens for a reason..that doesn't mean its a good one. Butttt u have things u want to accomplish and once ur done with that the baby will be ready for u!

Feel better. And give ur baby a kiss bc he's in ur world.
Photos
first time meeting my son (2008, 07, 24)  (2008, 07, 24) proud parents (2008, 07, 24) 1 day old (2008, 07, 24) 3.28.08 (2008, 07, 24) Joshua`s hospital picture (2008, 07, 24) 6 days old (2008, 07, 24) about 3 weeks old (2008, 07, 24) Joshua`s 1st bath at home (2008, 07, 24) Joshua at 1 mo (2008, 07, 24) Joshua at 2 mo 1st trip to the beach (2008, 07, 24) 4 mo`s old (2008, 07, 27)

Children
Joshua-Ante (2008)

Latest blogs
19-8-2008 - it's official...i'm not pregnant anymore ;( (plus some ranting that came out of left field)
18-8-2008 - 8.17.08 i might not be pregnant anymore...
13-8-2008 - 8.12.08 been a while so i wanted to update everyone!
27-7-2008 - 7.27.08 going out of town
27-7-2008 - 7.26.08 4 mo's old
26-7-2008 - 7.25.08 baby name situation
25-7-2008 - 7.25.08 :) dr's appt
25-7-2008 - 7.23.08 the news!

Polls
  1. Is this a miscarriage? spotting for about a week and a half with colors varying...
    Date: 18-8-2008 Votes: 44 Comments: 6

  2. my partner is croatian and wants our 2nd second child `s 1st name to be croatian...
    Date: 25-7-2008 Votes: 23 Comments: 2


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