06-7-2008 - THE BABY BLUES

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

I know what you might be thinking. Her baby is 5 months old why is she blogging about it now. Simply because it may help someone else.

On Jan 27th 2008 7 43 am I gave birth via C -section to a perfect 8 pound 1 ounce baby boy. A head full of hair and teddy bear brown eyes. 10 fingers and 10 toes. His dad sitting right there holding his 1st born son. What else could be better, right???? Nothing. The few days in the hospital were great. Supportive nurses, even a cool roomate. Then...it began... I was having some issues already with KJ nursing.My milk was taking forever to come in. He latched on great, but he wasn't putting on the weight to the satisfaction of the Pediatrician. They suggested that I supplement with some formula. I could hear my heart breaking right there. I felt deflated. I felt like it was saying that I could not provide what he needed. I guess I took that feeling home with me. On top of the fact that my previous nursing experience went picture perfect with my older son. He went from the boob to the sippy cup. Now, I felt like I was being forced to give him something that I never wanted him to have.

The day we came home I sat in the chair and said outloud. I feel like crying. KJ's dad asked me why and all I could tell him was "I don't know, I just do" I sat there trying to figure out just what the root of my problem was. Well, this feelings and other circumstances lingered for weeks.(5 to 8 weeks to be exact) I would be okay somedays and other days it was just BLAH. Mind you I've always been in love with KJ and never wanted to be apart from or harm him.He was the bright spot in it all. Since, I never experienced this with any of my other children...I was hoping it would just go away. Along with feeling weepy, I felt anxiety and hated being questioned about anything pertaining to the baby. I sought refuge at the breastfeeding clinic in Downstate Hospital.(SUNY medical center) It was somewhere I could go and feel okay to just be me.While I was there, I could also get help with KJ and his nursing issues. They turned out to be very minor. Along with going to the clinic it felt great to get out of the house.

The blues still floated in the background. KJ's pediatrician which is housed in the same hospital suggested that I speak to someone. He introduced me to a social worker in the hospital and I had a chat with her. It was nice to get some things off my chest that I did not really discuss at home. Lets face it ladies, sometimes telling a stranger is better than someone that lives with you. They don't have that familiarity to judge you with. She did not really cure me, but she listened and I guess that is what I was needing. A few days later(after talking to her) I began to feel better. Kind of like my old self. I still don't think that I'm 100% but I would suggest to all of you that if you have similar feelings to talk to someone. Repeatedly if you need too. Don't feel ashamed or made to feel crazy. Enough people don't talk about what they are feeling until its too late. I don't think my issues were worth being medicated, but if that is the route you need to take. By all means talk to a doctor.