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11-3-2009 - to be or not to be

My mood while writing this blog: contemplative

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I was reading back through my pregnancy journal (which by the way I sucked at when I was pregnant with Bekah, I'll probably be better with the next baby though, since I'm not addicted to this site! lol!) and it made me wish I was pregnant again! I LOVED being pregnant (other than the PUPPPS) and I really can't wait to feel my next baby move inside me! My twin sister is pregnant, she's 17 weeks already! I can't believe she's almost half done already! She should start feeling her baby move before long, and I am so happy for her, I know she can't wait for it! But part of me is jealous, I miss feeling my baby moving inside of me! On the other hand, part of me is a little scared to get pregnant again! I was so exhausted during my first trimester that I didn't want to leave the couch, now this time I'll not only be working, but also taking care of Bekah! I'm excited for the labor and delivery, and really hoping that the next delivery goes smoothly, since hubby says we're done and he's scheduling a vascectomy for the day after if we have a repeat performance of Bekah's delivery... guess I scared him pretty good! :) But I'm a little nervous for when the next baby comes, for one we only have one nursery, we don't have a spare room to put the baby in, and I'm worried about the baby interrupting Bekah's sleep, I'm nervous Bekah will be jealous, and I'm a little nervous because I won't get those hours of just cuddling on the couch that I had with Bekah because I'll also be caring for Bekah full time throughout my maternity leave this time... it certainly won't be as relaxing.. I mean it was a lot of work in the beginning, figuring everything out with Bekah, and the next time around I'll be going in with an idea of what to expect when it comes to the newborn, but this time I'll have a toddler running around at the same time, which presents a whole nother set of challenges! I'm looking forward to it all in all, but I am a little nervous. So much of me wants to get pregnant right away, but part of me kinda hopes it doesn't happen in the next couple months, after April we will be taking a break and using protection again for a few months, till November because of my friend's wedding... the reason that little part of me hopes that it doesn't happen till November is just that I know we'll be taking Bekah to Hawaii, I can't imagine leaving her for about a week, and I know it'll be hard enough to keep a 2 year old entertained on a 5 hour flight, but to have 2 kids to entertain for that long seems like a lot of work, plus we'll have a 2 year old and a 3-4 month old (if it happens this month or next) to take care of in Hawaii that will limit what we can do while we're there... I love my friend dearly and I know this wedding is a huge thing for her, she's been waiting a long time for it, but part of me (the greedy part of course) is frustrated that we're having to change our family expanding plans because of when her wedding falls.. we'd always planned to start trying when our first child turned one so the kids would be just about 2 years apart, but now we can't do that, we will either have them a year and a half apart, or 2 1/2 years apart... and that's even assuming we would get pregnant quickly, what if it takes another 8 months of trying? I would never say anything to my friend, but it is a little frustrating when things change... of course we didn't anticipate it taking so long to get pregnant with Bekah either... I guess it's all YHWH's plan and I really just need to let it go, it'll happen whenver He wants it to.
On another note, my boss finally told me I have to make the decision between working a full 40 hours to continue to be a full time employee, or I need to change my status to Part time or flex. Flex is definitely out cuz you lose benefits! so I think I'm going part time, which requires at minimum 20 hours per week, and my PTO will accumulate much slower, but it'd be worth it to be with my daughter more... my boss is looking into a few questions I had, and if they come back with acceptable terms, I will be switching to part time.. I am excited, but nervous for the financial aspect of it... money is tight in these times, and it will make it tighter, though hubby says he's pretty sure we can afford it... and I can work more than 20 hours if we need me to. I knew this decision would have to be made at some point, I'm kinda surprised I was able to put it off this long!
anyway, I'm off to bed, gotta get up early to go down to Corvallis for an 11:00 meeting tomorrow!

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3 Comments on to be or not to be


AtHomeMama - Wednesday, 11 Mar
Hey gorgeous! That second baby will come when it comes, and YES, you're going to be more tired with your pregnancy...trust me. :-) Also, you're worried about losing precious time with your newborn...The lack of cuddle time with Daniel since he was my second didn't really bother me as much I though it would...because the one who was making that impossible was Hannah who I absolutely LOVE too...so it makes it okay. When they're your own babies, ya can't help but love em no matter what!

Not sure what to tell ya about Jacqi's wedding? We've all been wondering where on earth we're going to get the money for that trip...a baby could be your excuse why you can't go...it'd be fun to have you there though. You're seriously thinking of taking Bekah too? You guys never really got a honeymoon...this could be it! I'm not taking ANY of my babies...including the one that I'm about to have. :-) It's only going to be for 4 nights, so my husband and I wanna enjoy those nights to their fullest! Hehehehe...

I'm sorry they're making you drop down to part time hours. I hope that it works out fine for you. Are you still going to have Jill watch Bekah for you then? You get most of your hours in after you put her to bed anyways, right? Well, I hope you guys figure out what you want and that it all goes as planned for you! Love ya honey! Talk to you later!

soon2be3 - Wednesday, 11 Mar
I agree with nmck. Go with your original family plans. I think your friend would be horrified to think that you are trying to rearrange your future...just for her wedding. If you are worried about the kids on a flight...just remember that it is only a few hours. The kids will do fine. Thousands of little ones travel every single day. I personally love having our kids 2 1/2 years apart. Benefits...you don't have to buy two cribs, you will most likely only have one in diapers, at 2 1/2 the oldest is a tremendous help and can even entertain themselves a little while you are busy with baby. At 21/2 they are sooooo excited for a new baby, they are old enough to understand. Grace is 5 1/2, Jake 3, and Carter almost 9 months. Grace and Jake play very well with each other and are very protective over each other...so I don't think that having them 2 1/2 years apart makes the bond less tight. You have to follow your heart, but don't rush into things because you are having a little baby lust by seeing your sister pregnant. You have to do what makes you and hubby feel right. My SIL and I have taken turns being pregnant too...not purposely, but has been nice because every year, there has been a new baby and each baby has their moment to shine.

nmck - Wednesday, 11 Mar
I worry about all of that stuff with a second baby too. I guess we will just have to wait and see! As for your friend's wedding, you are very kind to schedule your family around it! I think I would be a little more selfish than that and I would go with my original plans. Maybe that is mean of me!! Great news about switching to part time too. I hope that works out for you and you can have the best of both worlds!