Artisticchik's I-am-pregnantblog

Artisticchik
	Age: 32 Country: USA Province/region: Alabama City: South Eastern Partner: 34-Husband Michael Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: SAHM
	Online: More than 3 months ago Last updated: 118 days ago. Member since: 350 days
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20-4-2009 - Fairweather Friends & Funky Family

My mood while writing this blog:
Curious

This is kind of a touchy subject, but I am interested to receive some feedback from others.

It is going to be difficult to address this from all sides but I will try.

The issue that keeps coming up is "friends" that are around alot when they are not in a relationship. Meaning they call (not just maintain the friendship via e-mail, chat etc.) Come by from time to time extend the occasational invite or express the desire to spend time with you. BUT,.... when a guy comes along in their lives they lose the ability to maintain friendships AND the relationship and they go MIA or only have time to talk to you when they have "nothing better" to do or when their relationship isn't going as well as they had planned.

Now I can see this from the other side as well. I was blessed to meet my husband when I was young, so the exposure I had in having to sift through jerks, be in abusive relationships and get messed over is limited, BUT this in no means implies that I cannot sympathize with those that have had this struggle. It seems like in most instances when I have tried to confront the friend about the abandonment of the friendship, I was dismissed and accused of "Not being able to just be happy for them" OR "Being Needy." It almost seems like an easy end/excuse to absolve themselves of any responsibility for the abandonment. Is it really that hard for people to believe that someone wants to just be there for them and share time with them in good AND in bad?

I have been accused in the past of having trouble finishing what I start but I am proud to say that in the area of friendship/companionship I am there till the end. In all of my years of being a military wife and traveling abroad I have not had one "friend" hop on a plane or make a drive to see me. Do I not have any friends? Why is it just always the expectation that I am the one to make the sacrifice? Why is it safe for them to assume that they can just lay low and wait on me to breeze through town to see them. OR even worse, when I do come to town to see family, they get angry and very unreasonable as to why I could not make time to come see them. Forgive me for assuming after flying almost 7000 miles that you would take a 20 min car ride for Petes sake. OR they will insist I have an itenerary/schedule with some time penciled in for them, yet they cannot exercise the same level of dicipline when it comes to making sacrifices of their time for me. Funny how that works isn't it? Sometimes family can be the MOST guilty of these demands and assigned disappointment and guilt trips. Some people blame not having the money or not having the vacation time or a babysitter....but funny thing to me how money and vacation and babysitters seem to materialize out of no where when a boyfriend is involved! Eureka! I would have rather they just told me they would rather not expend their resources on the likes of me so that I know where I stand.

I know this is complex but I am really curious to know why I continue to have friends fall by the wayside when a guy comes along. I want to be happy for them and celebrate with them in their happiness but I get no human communication from them unless things are going down the toilet in their lives. Have I been guilty of only using my friends as an emotional toilet? Perhaps I deserve this? I cannot help but look in the mirror for answers. I must know if others have this same issue so that I know if the problem lyes with ME and I need to fix something about my character?

I question what kind of friend that I am for it to be so easy for others to abandon my companionship. Perhaps I place a higher value on certain things in life while others have more of a "paper cup" mentality towards people and can just use and dispose of when done.

The age of the internet has been a double edged sword. It is great for blogging and the convenience of e-mail, but I think it has become detrimental to society as a whole when people rely on it to foster/replace human friendship/companionship.

I have friends that I used to play with when we were still in diapers and now from those same friends has evolved to the only communication I get from them is Forwards in e-mail. Its pretty bad when the only conversation that people can have is about online drama and the touching forward they got last week in e-mail or think they are flattering you into staying in the friendship by forwarding you the sentiments of what a friend is and how special people like "you" are and those very sentiments were written by someone else! Proposterous!

What is most disgusting is when people call themselves "Keeping in touch" by sending me offline messages or e-mails asking me "How are you doing?." Anyone that really wants to know "How I am doing" would call and make an actual investment in the relationship and not a polite, convenient deposit at the ATM machine. Thanks.

Whatever the "reasons" or "excuses" people have,....it bothers me on a deep level.

I am sure this will be accused of being the hormones of pregnancy and perhaps. This is something I have wondered about for many years and perhaps the hormones just made it easier for me to say.

8 Comments on Fairweather Friends & Funky Family

preggershappy - Thursday, 23 Apr
I wish I would have read your blog a few days ago, when you posted it. For that I'm sorry!! In no way shape or form is this hormone related and don't let anyone tell you that it is. I too have felt the same way!! I was very close to my sister-in-law during my husband's 4 1/2 month work-related move to Mississippi and we became completely inseparable. Two weeks after the job ended I got pregnant and boom, she quit coming around, I don't get near the emails, no phone calls (well, unless she wants something). It hurts!! I have tried to say something on several occasions and it just goes in one ear and out the other. I understand that I can't go hang out at the bars anymore, except in very rare occasions, but geez we're not dead!! There's movies, shopping, dinner, etc!! And I know that when my daughter arrives in July, she will be knocking down the door to visit and honestly, I just don't know if I want her around. Where has she been the past 9 months, you know?? And fortunately, my husband agrees.

And I also have friends and family in VA, which is 1900 miles from here and every year I try to atleast make 1 trip up there. I lived there 3 years through high school with my dad and moved back to the south. I get pulled in 1000 different directions to spend time with everyone. Two of my friends have made the effort to come down here and visit and that meant the absolute world to me. My own father hasn't been here in 3 years and since then, I've gone up there 5 times!! I even brought my wedding to them!! And when I'm there, I feel like I have to go to see them, when they can come to my dad's to see me! He likes the company!!

And too, you definately realize who your true friends are. I have 1 very best friend who usually shys away when she meets a new person and she finally got married last year and we always do stuff together now. They have BBQs and invite us over and the opposite. We are actually having dinner this weekend. There are very far and few days in between where we don't hear from each other. I guess we're just at the same place at the same time in our lives now.

Hope this helps you feel better!! I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal!

wendy125 - Monday, 20 Apr
I too have noticed this. In the beginning of a new relationship, I have even been guilty of it. However, unlike many of my friends turned aquantances, I get over it. I take a month or so to get to know someone new. In that month, I decide whether or not to bring him around those close to me. But after awhile, I get tired of my life revolving around just one person.

When I was 17, my best friend started dating her now ex husband. At first she tried to include me as the third wheel in their plans. Then slowly, she stopped inviting me. There was an entire month where she didnt call me once. And everytime I called her, she was too busy with Mike to talk to me. She got better about calling me after I moved 350 miles away and they were already married.

She is still my best friend. I told her after her divorce how neglected I felt when she started seeing Mike. She's with a new love now. But now that I am pregnant, she's the only one who calls just to see how I'm doing.

The problem I am having right now, is friends not including me in plans anymore just because I'm pregnant.

mel11 - Monday, 20 Apr
I think you are right on when asking what is it about you that is attracting these types of people. The kind that do not have enough sense of self to maintain friendships in spite of a new boyfriend?? It is impossible as you know to change how other people act...but you can change your friend picker. It sounds like you are a great friend and may need to be a bit more choosy in who you share yourself with.

sinny - Monday, 20 Apr
I think that the world is full of people who need only ONE person to live. that one person fufills all the social and emotional needs of the other so they no longer need to seek outside relationships. I have had more friends I can count go that way. In times of being single I was their best friend and would here from or see them almost every day. A man enters and weeks and months would pass before I would again see them.Despite my trying to contact them. I think it is just one of those things. Some people have the capability to mantain outside connections to people and others just suck.

Artisticchik - Monday, 20 Apr
dreaelise- I appreciate your comment. This is what I meant in the first part of my message about trying to address it from all sides. Sometimes relationships DO reach a point that they might need redefining and I think that is what you are trying to say. This is an exception to what I was addressing. This is just my opinion, and I am no authority and nor did you ask me for it so I mean no harm. I think that you would be respected more by telling your friend point blank. Just don't do it on the phone or e-mail. I think sometimes we paint ourselves into a corner with "niceities" instead of attacking issues head on. Her feelings may get hurt but she will have no choice but to respect your honesty and eventually come to take responsibility for her own feelings and realize that they are her feelings. A problem many people have now days is pinning their emotional reaction on other people. It is a true sign of maturity when no matter what is done to us we can exercise temperance and responsibility for our own reactions. I hope this helps. By the way, how are you putting paragraph breaks in your messages? I have tried and tried putting html in my profile to add pictures but all i see after I save it is the html code.

abrock8680 - Monday, 20 Apr
Yeh I have a only one friend that is married that still calls me without me having to call her. I also have another friend who NEVER talks to me unless I call her first...and she has this boyfriend who I think is controlling but who knows...

bundleofperez - Monday, 20 Apr
No, it is absolutely not the hormones. I have felt this way for years. Being only 25 you would think I would have more friends but no, not the case. I think I realized not too long ago that their comes a point in your life where the only people you can really rely on to be there for you are the immediate people in your life. For me it's my husband and mother. They are my true best friends. Would a female best friend be great? Of course. I'm going thought exactly the same thing that you are frustrated about. I have a "best friend" who I consider a great person but overall a horrible friend. And yes, the man in her life does often dictate that. But of course when you voice your opinion about that we are being judgmental and a list of other things that could go on and on. Why is there always someone who is the better friend? In my case me, but then I wonder.. would I know if I was a bad friend. Yes, I wouldn't definitely know. I married young and am now having my first child. Even if my friend were a better fried, we are at completely different places in our lives. Can I really fault her for that. But at the same time. why shouldn't she want to be more involved in my life. She could show more interest for goodness sakes. There is no wrong way to do that. A simple how are you feeling would be nice. I know the world does not revolve around me but you better believe they come running when that "MAN" is acting up. All of a sudden you are the perfect person to console them. I don't get it. Then I think, maybe there is a maturity level thing going on. Maybe I should show more interest in the things that don't really matter but maybe to her they do. I've never needed anyone to hold my hand and thats not what I'm looking for in a friendship. I just wish my friend was more selfless and less self-absorbed. :( The worst part of it all is what you mentioned. Sometimes this behavior comes from family. Have you ever had a family member tell you that you live too far!? Uhmm, the way I see it is they live far from me! Or, we live far from each other. Why is the assumption that we, "the good friends" are going to go the distance. Well, what's the difference if I live far, you were never going to go out of your way to visit anyway!. You are totally right in the way you feel and I know exactly what you mean but unfortunately sometimes there is no way of convincing people with out totally offending them. And the text messaging and email thing! Ahhh, it's so rude. The nerve of people to send an HAPPY BIRTHDAY text. Save the minutes for someone else! :)
As you can see you touched on a sensitive subject...lol. Have a great week!

dreaelise14 - Monday, 20 Apr
I am so guilty of doing this kind of crap to my friends, I mean not intentionally, but as I read it, I kept thinking about my best friend and how we are growing apart.

It is hard to do, and I do genuinely care about her, but we have become such different people. She cannot have children & is envious of people who can. She wants children so badly, but is a carrier for Muscular Dystrophy & watched her two brothers lose their battle to MD so she refuses to have children. She is bitter about it & I understand. She has lots of baggage, rightfully so, but I am looking towards my future and need a best friend who is supportive to me as well.

She has been with her boyfriend for over 10 years and really wants to get married, but he's not all that motivated to do anything for their future. Honestly, I really like the guy, but he is a total lazy bum. Lots of fun, but really lazy. When I told her I was engaged, she got really quiet and said "oh, that's cool," like she was mad at me - she's my best friend for crying out loud! I wanted her to scream and yell and jump up and down out of excitement.

Anyways, my husband is also really motivated & just doesn't find a lot in common with her boyfriend so we don't get together too much as a couple anymore either. If I want to spend time with her, I feel like I have to do it as one on one time otherwise she'll feel sad about my son being there (she's very sensitve emotionally), or my husband will be bored because he doesn't have much in common with Chris (her bf).

Plus, being pregnant, I want to talk about my pregnancy which makes her sad. It is hard because all of the things that are in my life bring her down. It's almost like she'd be happier if I wasn't happily married and raising a family.

I do understand where she is coming from (broken home, abusive father, death of siblings); the things she has dealt with in her life have been very troublesome.

So, I am in a predicament with the friendship. I don't know how to tell her my feelings without hurting hers & her feelings get hurt pretty easily. I love her too much to want to hurt her, but I know that our friendship growing apart is hurting her too. I just feel like doing it gradually will lessen the pain & she will understand better.

I'm probably wrong, and know that this doesn't help you too much, but I thought I'd share another view on the complexities of friendships. I don't think it is just you, I think women all over struggle thru this as we all grow differently and life changes so much.

I hope you're doing well today! Andrea

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