09-7-2009 - Cerclage Removal Appointment

My mood while writing this blog: Crampy

I had my cerclage removed this morning. I was really worried about it being painful but for the most part it was not. The worst part was the speculum. My doctor took his time and removed it in pieces to avoid tugging on my cervix and hurting me and I really appreciate that. I have had some bleeding afterwards as well as some cramping. The pressure I am feeling down low is MUCH more intense now that the stitch is out. My cervix was still closed right after he removed it, but if I had to guess now....I would say it is beginning to open due to the large amounts of bloody mucous chunks that I have been noticing in the toilet each time I use the bathroom.

I talked to my doctor today about my first birth experience and how many traumatic memories I have attached to it. Now that the birth is closer I am really starting to get scared. I don't mean the "Ooo I hope it does not hurt too bad" kind of scared but the kind that any new sensation in my body causes me to lose my breath, have a full blown panic attack and nightmares because I KNOW what kind of pain is involved with childbirth and I also know that things can happen during childbirth that can take away your choices and expectations on how things should/would go forth at any given time and you have to be at the mercy of the situation. My doctor did the best he could to reassure me with his words that my experience this time will not be anything like my first. He has not given me any reason to doubt him so far, but I cannot and will not ever forget what I went through the first time. It feels nearly impossible to suppress those old memories from coming back up during this time.

I will be having a long prayer and talk with God tonight to help me emotionally get through the birthing process. I just really want this to be over for many more reasons than just having my son in my arms. This is one huge emotional mountain that I need to put behind me in order to get over what occured during my first pregnancy.