21-12-2009 - to TTC or not to TTC

My mood while writing this blog: fine

I am struggling to decide whether I want to start TTCing again in the next couple months. I had a mc in October from my first pregnancy (we got pregnant the first month of trying). I had to have a D&E and then a D&C to remove all of the pregnancy tissue. I was told by my doctor that I needed to have 2 normal periods before we could start trying again. I got a weak period 2 weeks after my last procedure. I am now having my first normal period since all of this began. my husband and I have discussed when we want to start trying again. he does not want to wait. unfortunately I no longer feel the same way. I want to be a mom more than anything but at the same time I also am afraid to go through all of this again. being pregnant and feeling the sensations and experiencing all of the symptoms was just so amazing and then to have it all ripped away was very difficult. I cannot imagine what it is like for those ladies who made it past 9 weeks only to mc later on.

I feel that I have healed as much as I can emotionally and physically I have felt fine for weeks. however lately, every time I hold my nephew or another baby I no longer feel that ache to have my own child. I guess I feel guilty about that since everyone is ready for us to start trying again. I just feel that since it was not meant to be last time how will I know if it is the next time we try? when I tell my husband that I am worried to try again he says that we should just wait an extra month from what the doctor said and that should help. it took 10 years for me to get my husband to this point…ready to have kids (we started dating very young) and now I am worried that maybe I was not ready since I am feeling this way.

I guess I am just confused as to why my feelings have changed. right after the mc and the first procedure I could not wait to be able to try again. after I found out that there was still tissue in my uterus causing my pain and that I would have to have a second procedure it just seemed like a bad dream that would not end. the second procedure just seemed so overwhelming to go through on top of the sadness and lost feeling I was experiencing from losing the baby. I know that so many people have gone through what I am going through but I wonder if something is wrong with me emotionally since I am just not able to get excited about the thought of TTCing again? I just keep hoping that time will help me make the decision on what to do.

so anyway I just needed to vent since there is not really anyone for me to talk to about this without crushing their hopes that we might not be TTCing again soon :)