15-9-2009 - Life and survival...update

My mood while writing this blog: worried

I finally was able to sit down and talk with my husband. No name calling, or hateful comments. Just one on one adult conversation. He did apologized for recognizing how awful he's been to me. Thank God, because most men won't even own up to how a jerk they can be. It has been a rough week, j-dee misses her daddy, and I am feeling the loneliness of life. He was able to tell me why he has been so discouraged lately. This is what he's lacking in with our marriage, and that's "lack of communication". He is a ticking time bomb, ready to burst because he bottles up all his anger. And I am the freaking target that he lets it all out on. Well, anyhow, the problem with him is that he didn't know how to tell me that he is already being pointed out for getting fired from his job. Well in the business world that should say "layed off", but to me where he works it's more you're fired. My husband has a really good paying job, and he didn't want me to worry about how we are going survive. But now that he told me, I feel like I want to puke. Of course what comes to mind is? How the heck are we going to manage? And of course I already told him, that if he ever does get layed off or fired, that we will not be staying in this state, and leave out of here to find a better good life elsewhere, start over. He then said something that just literally shocked me, he said if he gets fired he will joining the military and going to go for the justice part in it, (Lawyer, paralegal, court stuff which is what he is doing now). I dont' know much about anything on that, or even what they pay or if he will regret ever joining. He also stated that he wants to finish his schooling to be a lawyer and he can join the military so he can get the free education to continue. His dad was in the military and so was his brother. On my part, for some reason my heart broke to million of pieces. Maybe just because of the part of that word "Military Soldier" scares the crap of me. I am so confused right now, and feel worse than I did before. I don't know where God is trying to lead us, but I feel so depressed over this whole situation in our lives. In other ways, the military can be good to help train him to control his temper because I am sure they will chew him out if he ever back talks and help with schooling. But it can also fall bad if it doesn't go as planned for him. Any military wifes or soldiers have a say on this, please fill me in.

Well this is the scoop for now, but thank you to all truly from the bottom of my heart for helping me stay strong and letting me express my feelings. I know some of you have problems of your own, but it's always great to have someone listening and giving great advice.