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16-9-2008 - Five Months

My mood while writing this blog: happy

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My baby is growing up so darn fast it doesnt seem fair! She is five months old already! She eats cereal like a big kid and she is awake for really long periods of time which is so awesome! She also sleeps anywhere from 8 to 10 hours at night time which is the greatest thing ever! i still deal with depression since she has been born. Sometimes I cry for no reason in particular or feel sad and want to lock the world out. And that is okay, because i realized if I beat myself up for it I'll just feel more guilty for feeling that way, and then more depressed because of feeling guilty. It would be a hazardous downward spiral and I don't want to go there. Jonathan was in China for two weeks this summer and ever since he left I have been having panic attacks. There is no one certain thing that causes them as far as I can tell. But sometimes I'll start to feel like I don't have enough oxygen to breath and then I feel like the world is trying to suffocate me. Yesterday i was at Foodland and I started to panic that I wouldn't get everything I needed and then I'd have to come back, and I had a list, and I can walk to Foodland. Then I started to panic that I wouldn't have enough money, when I clearly had enough money. Then when I was checking out I paniced that I had been gone too long and that Bekah and Jonathan really needed me. I don't know how this is going to go once I go back to school. Please anyone who reads this pray for me that I will be okay when I go back to school and that i won't just panic all the time. I'm trying self treatment right now mainly because I do not have medical insurance anymore because I'm not preggers! I'm not working anymore either, but that doesn't seem to matter. But whatever! Anyways I hope everyone has a great weekend! God Bless all who are going back to school on Monday and all of the others who read this today!

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