04-1-2009 - Nightmare

My mood while writing this blog: Okay

Hi ladies, okay so last night I had my first wedding nightmare, it was awfull, nothing was right everything about the wedding went horriblly wrong, is it just me or did anyone els have this as well ?? I feel so scared that it will actually be like that. We rounded off the budget last night my mom is coming over tomorrow to talk about it then, Paul's parent also offered to help the'll go half half on the money with my mom (because my Dad is not here anymore and the money my mom has she still has to put my brother through 3 years of school and live on it for the rest of her life). We found the perfect venue last night (which is actually on one of our army basis here), I also made a list of everything that we should hire, and the final colours for the wedding are red, white and black. My final dress design is also done (a family friend is making it for much less than what a boutique would charge me), Paul has no idea of what it looks like (and it should stay that way). We finished the guest list which is 70 people only inviting friends and family that we see day to day, I don't want to invite people that we only speak or see every few years as I don't know them (even if they are family or friends). All the food would be made by the mothers and maybe an aunt or two, they already told me that I'm not allowed to see the hall before the wedding, that I will see it when Paul and I walk in as a married couple. Now for some reason that makes me very nervous I'm quite nervous about how I want stuff and not knowing it is right before the wedding is awfull, I mean it's my wedding and I think that I'm intiteled to having it my way, my mom promised that they will follow my instuctions about the decor but I'll have to wait and see. Paul and I aren't paying anything about the wedding accept our rings (I'm paying for that) and the honeymoon (Paul's paying for that) were going to Cape Town for two weeks, flying down as I have never been on an airplane in my life and never been to Cape Town in my life. I can't wait for that Divan will be staying with Granny Lynette (Paul's mom) for a week and my mom for a week, we still need to arrange everything for that, once most of the actuall wedding stuff is done then I'll start with the honeymoon. OMG will I always be so nervous about this, not about marrying Paul (I love him so much and would have married him yesterday if I could) about all these wedding arrangements, it's three months away and I'm already having nightmares.

Divan's nanny started working today, I'm still here at home this week but I told her to come now as I want to see if she gets along with him and if she could actually take care of him, she has previous experience and seems to love him already, and spoiling him has also started already. I go back to work next week and have to leave him at home (cry, cry, cry), we had to decide to either put him in a nursery school or get a nanny. I opted on a nanny because I don't think a baby as small as Divan needs school at the moment there are 5 babies to one caretaker in a school so the attention they get is less, and omg I have heard off all sorts of germs and viruses that they get in school (not that I'm overobsesed with that but no one wants there child sick). So Julia is here now and she seems perfect, she has raised 6 children of her own and taken care of another 4, she also lives with us in our Servants quarters where she has her own room, toilet and shower. I told her not to clean the house as her sole job is to look after my angel, if he is asleep and she wants to sweep or something she can, if she doesn't clean the house everyday I wont mind to do it myself because taking care of Divan is so much work and I can't expect her to do everything, I sometimes can't even do everything. I'll miss him when I go back to work.

Sorry for the long blog, but I have lots to say, I have to share my feelings with others to know if I'm going insane or if everyone els also feels this way sometimes. Thanks for listening guys !!!