01-12-2008 - I'm breaking my man's heart :(

My mood while writing this blog: blubbering mess

Hey ladies I hope you are all feeling well. So I am having a very hard time emotionally today and here is the story. It’s kind of long and I’m sorry about that.

When James and I first met he was still living with his ex. He kept it from me for the 1^st month but when the psycho found out about me all hell broke lose. Needless to say I was dealing with his crazy ex for some time. Anyway, finally about 7 months later she finally moved out, leaving him with a ridiculous mortgage to pay, but hey, at least she was gone. The first time I got to spend the night at his house was horrible. My dog allergy had gotten very bad in the 2 years since I stopped living with my dog. James has 3 dogs. That night he rushed me to the hospital because I had a very severe asthma attack. From then on it was clear that I couldn’t stay at his house. So I started going for allergy shots and when I went to Long Island we would stay at his parent’s house in their finished basement. This totally cramped our style but we made it work. Then comes June 21^st when we found out we are going to be parents. We were in shock to say the least but one of the first things that came to mind was what about the dogs? We knew I would be the one making the move (I live an hour away right now) to live with him and I knew in my heart my allergies would not let me live with 3 dogs in such a tiny house. So over the past 5 months I have tried to make suggestions to James as to what he should do with the dogs but he has done nothing. I told him we should make signs, advertise in the paper, etc and he just changed the subject. I asked everyone I knew and so did my family…nobody wanted these dogs. I guess if James didn’t insist on the 2 little ones going together it may have been easier. We had a huge blow-out last week and I laid it out for him…if I cant live with him because the house still has too much dog hair in it then he will have to come to Connecticut to see his baby. I had told him months ago that the house needed at least 3 months to air out before I move in and all he has done is avoid the subject.

There is so much that needs to be done and I have 12 weeks left…not a lot of time considering I still have to move out of my apartment, move all of my stuff into his house, then live with my mother for the last 4 weeks because she lives closer to the hospital than him. Anyway, he tells me his ex will be taking 2 of the dogs. As for the 3^rd (his beloved pit bull) he is hoping his parents will take him in for a while.

Now I love dogs and cats. I had one of each growing up and for like 17 years and had to put them both to sleep last summer so I know what it’s like having pets. He has been calling me insensitive when I have been doing nothing but trying to find good homes for them. It’s not like I’m telling him to get rid of them because I don’t like them, I have developed severe allergies to these dogs, especially these breeds of dogs and it affects my health and the health of our baby.

Sorry I’m rambling.

So last night when I left his house I got very emotional because he had been kind of nasty to me because he knew that today would most likely be the day he gave her the 2 little dogs. I started crying because I feel so bad for him. I feel responsible for breaking his heart like this but it’s not my fault. He was crying when I left his house and he barely said good bye to me. I called him before and he barely spoke to me and sounded really sad like he was crying. I don’t know what to do to make things better. I hate seeing him like this. Once the dogs are gone we still have to paint the whole house (him not me), carpet the baby’s room and basement, get the vents cleaned out, set up the baby’s room, etc. We just picked up the furniture the other day and its sitting in his parent’s garage. I keep telling him that we are going to be able to be a family now, trying to make him remember that even though the dogs wont be living with him, he will still be getting me and the baby. Dont really know if that approach has worked.

Sorry for the novel but I needed to get this off my chest. I know I cant control my allergies and keep telling myself that he cant blame me, but I feel like he will always resent me for having to give up the dogs. I think I’m going to step back and give him space cause that’s what it sounds like he wants. I’m not going to bug him. What I am doing is getting pictures developed and getting a mug made for him with the cutest picture of them on it. I posted the pic if you want to see them.

The weeks keep rolling by and soon we will be holding our little ones, I can’t wait!!

Hope you are all having a great day. Take care!

~Bonnie~