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06-5-2009 - first you go up then you gotta come back down

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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Well i'm bored outta my mind ( again!).. Can't seem to sleep much.. My body doesn't let me sleep till 1-2 am .. doesn't matter if i nap or not during the day.. drives me crazy.. cause right now i feel crappy enough i would love to be numb sleeping in my bed..

I"ve gotten over the car being stolen the other day although still frustrated..I keep looking at the driveway hoping it magically reappears. My phone charger was in there too.. *Sigh*

My moms been the big problem.. I love her.. but she is the reason i'm soo depressed and down on myself always.. She can't ever say anything nice.. MOm i'm getting married!"- Are you pregnant?" Mom i cleaned the whole house for you-" and you should it's about time you don't do anything around here" Or " What did you touch now?"
Mom I'm pregnant!- " Well i figured at much".. Well you get the point.. Why can't i have one of those incouraging moms.. That want to be there when i get married.. want to be there when i have a baby.. Tell me nice things.. Instead i'm told i'm not good enough, everything i do is wrong, and apparently the only reason someone would want to marry me is cause they got me pregnant.. When i tell her the things she says hurt she tells me i'm hurtful for saying that. Like seriously can't win.. Somedays i have more patience for it then other but these days it's wearing thin.. Even my daughter get the blunt end of the stick. Always being told she's a little shit, getting yelled at left right and center for all kinds o things..
She's never really doing bad things she just mimic what she sees, but doesn't understand why it's ok of my mom and not her.. It's not easy to understand to this day i don't get it either..

I hate China.. I hate living there.. scares me.. But living here is sometimes a bigger nightmare. Wish i could afford my own appartment in Canada.

My husband is being a typical retarted male even from 10 000 miles away. and i'm being crazy pregnant lady so it's really not a good mix.. The other day i was telling him that one of the ladies on here ound out her husband was cheating on her.. So he proceeds to tell me how good he is.. how he is like his boss.. Two sentences later tells me when he was in teh US last week his boss tried to pay for a escort for him.. How this Happends alot cause he is a business man.. tells me when he calls the pimps in his phone for his clients.. Yeah I knew about it. but i'd rather pretend it's not there.. Not something to remind your pregnant wife who doesn't even bloody live with you how easy it is for you to get a hooker. Maybe i'm too nieve i don't know.. I always want soo bad to believe people are good.

Then he gets on about how the only thing he's ever cheated on me about is smoking.. This is why he doesn't like to spend time with me anymore.. because it's too hard to sneak away for a smoke. I told him when i got pregnant he HAD to quit with me or i would have an abortion.. That didn't work.. I've smoked 15 years.. i know his pain he hasn't smoked as long as me.. but i can't stay quit unless he does.. and we have to back eachother up. If he can't do that then we shouldn't have started a family and i made this really clear since day one.


Then we get into another conversation about his parents and how he's the only child and he has to take care of them. Well its' a 5- 10 year waiting list for parent immigration to Canada.. I will not live out my life in China i told him that i'm ok with being there if 1. we can afford rediculous price for my daughters schooling and 2. we leave when she starts highschool.. But he wont make any efforts to apply.. So you know whats going to happen.. I'm going to go back to being this me being here and him there taking care of his parents till they die and me being alone here in Canada with the kids trying to do it on my own.. What the hell kinda life is that?.. I didn't sign up for this.. I signed up for mr. family man that believe family should be close and stay together... I've left my job here, all my possesion i've given away or sold for very little..always uprooting losing friends to the point i have next to none now... To go there support him for a while.. But god knows push come to shove he's not comming here.. You can imagine in my pregnant state this close your eyes and everythign will work out thing that he always tells me just isn't jiiving i want to know where my life is going. i don't feel safe anymore, and thats a big one for me

So i went from being dpressed for nothign to finally having energy and movign and feeling great..t hen the night my car got stolen got in a fight with hubby woke up to car being gone then parents came home and got into a battle with my mom about how horrible i am because i tried to do something nice.

Thank god for my dear 10 year old daughter whose hugs are the only thing that get me through all this retardedness in my life right now.

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5 Comments on first you go up then you gotta come back down


greenmommy - Saturday, 16 May
oh yeah... your mom sounds like a difficult person to live with. It honestly sounds like you both need each other b/c she sounds depressed. You need a place to stay and she sounds like she actually needs company and someone to help her out around her house or something. IDK? I know we do need to cry on eachother's shoulders with some ice cream though! This stuff isn't fun at all!

greenmommy - Saturday, 16 May
Wow! That is a lot to be thinking about right now. I think it sounds to me from what you wrote, that your husband was trying to tell yo how easy it is for him to cheat but he doesn't b/c he loves you. The issue with his family, is rediculous! He needs to cut the cord already and come home and take care of you and that new baby. I know your husband will come to Canada. Is he excited about the baby girl?

Christine G - Thursday, 7 May
My goodness Chantal you do have lots of things going on right now. I'm so sorry that you have to go through those things with your mother and that your husband is not around. I would think like you, getting my own appartment would probably be better then living with my mother.

jumpingbean - Wednesday, 6 May
I'm sorry that you are going through all this. I had a fight with my mom tonight too. Any time we do something she doesn't agree with she always throws it in our face "how would dad like that or what would dad think" So I yelled and asked her why she always does that. We used to say stuff to her about him and she would say "what's it matter he choose to leave". He took his own life 14 years ago

LouOZ - Wednesday, 6 May
i really feel for you right now. i get upset about such small things really and here you are with real problems. i think its really cruel that you are pregnant on your own. i dont know how i would cope without my partner being there. Your hubby should be moving heaven and earth to be by your side right now. he shouldnt care where he lives so long as its with you.
Everything makes you stronger though and i believe that you will have your comfortable stable family whether its with him or not.
As for the hooker thing, he should not even say the word to you let alone advise how easy it is to hire one... stay true to yourself and only think of your children before yourself.