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06-4-2009 - Miscarriage DevestatedMy mood while writing this blog:

Never have I felt so sad in my life. I lost my baby last week. I had one wipe of light brown mucous on Sunday last weeked, nothing monday but had a beta done anyways on Monday to see what my levels were. One wipe of dark brown mucous on Tuesday, left work as doctor's orders. Wednesday she sent me for an emergency ultrasound. It showed an empty sac, although the tech said not to worry yet because it was probably still too early. Wednesday at 5:00 my doctor called to say that at six weeks pregnant my beta was only 682 and that the baby had probably died a couple days ago and that my beta levels had probably been dropping for a few days as they should have been in the 10,000's. That night my mucous turned to pink and by thursday morning I had full on red blood. Friday I passed the baby and the sac. It was the worst day of my life. I am so sorry to anyone who has ever experienced this. I feel guitly because I was telling people I was not pregnant since we weren't ready to tell yet that I was and now I feel like I said I wasn't pregnant so often that I made it go away. I know this is crazy but I feel like I didn't honor this babies life because I denied it was there. I feel angry! Why did I have to be pregnant in the first place if it was all going to come crashing down. I was so happy to see that positive pregnancy test and now I wish it had never happened! I am terrified to be pregnant again, so scared to feel this down and hurt.

I do however still feel so blessed to have my DD. She can make me smile even through the tears. Thank goodness I have her and my husband to help me get through this, and you ladies who listen with open ears and warm hearts.

I will find out this week or early next if I need to have a D & C. I hope not. I will keep you posted.

13 Comments on Miscarriage

redheadmama - Tuesday, 14 Apr
I am so sorry! So very, very sorry.
God bless you. And may you find comfort somehow in your heartbreak.

mmyof3angels - Thursday, 9 Apr
I am sooooo sorry about your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

dsquared83 - Wednesday, 8 Apr
I'm so sorry for your loss! I know how you feel wishing that you hadn't honored your childs life. I did the same thing and felt the same thing. Our situations are different because I had a Chemical pregnancy and you had a miscarriage, but we have the same feelings.

erose - Wednesday, 8 Apr
i am so sorry to hear about you loss. i hope you and family are all well. xx

bethk - Monday, 6 Apr
I know what ever we say will not help your pain and loss! But we are all thinking of u and many will be praying! You sound sooo strong!!! Lots of hugs an kisses xxxxxxxxxx

roosa - Monday, 6 Apr
I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. Please don't feel guilty about not having told others of your pregnancy - it is normal to wait. However I have learned from my losses that I am never going to wait with telling people - I need support from the minute I know I am pregnant and even more so if I loose the baby. We all react differently to losses - some choose to wait even longer before telling others of subsequent pregnancies, and some choose to tell right away. As I said, I am the latter. You need to keep doing what is right for you, hun. Also allow yourself to feel whatever you feel for as long as you feel it, including anger. I do hope that soon you will be comforted with another pregnancy that will be complication free. I do know though that being pregnant again is scary - make sure you surround yourself with proper support and people who understand. Big hugs!!

katie-g - Monday, 6 Apr
aw Hun I'm so so sorry i have been there b4 i also lost my 1st baby due to Miscarriage i know how your feeling your prob blame everything atm and that normal believe me i see that u are ttc still ? right i wasn't sure if i should say that right now anyways i got pregnant with my son in the march after i lost my baby in Dec if you ever need to talk I'm here for u hugs ♥

~ I luv my boyz ~ - Monday, 6 Apr
I want to say the same as others im sorry for your loss but I know it does not help anything because the pain confusion and hurt still is there lingering around .....your going to hurt and cry for awhile and I want you to know this is normal to do and there is nothing wrong with grieving your loss of the baby,I also want to promise you this baby was not a mistake and It was not your fault you did NOTHING wrong please dont blame and hate yourself for this.
The say that miscarriage is common and is normal I dont care it still hurts and its not okay for people to treat it that way so im sending love kisses and hugs and an open heart if you need me im here.....Jen......

mommie-2-2 - Monday, 6 Apr
I'm so sorry. I am sending comfort your way! And big hugs!!

mybitty7307 - Monday, 6 Apr
Reading your blog made me tearful and I am so sorry to hear about your loss. There's not much that can be said or done and, as you said, you have the love of your family to comfort you. Take good care and time will help heal.

mls1188 - Monday, 6 Apr
Oh I am so sorry to hear this!! Hang in there, you're in my prayers!

DiandClover - Monday, 6 Apr
My heart breaks when I hear this... so many of us here to lend an 'ear' if you need it, and very glad you have your loving hubby and DD to help you through. ((HUG))

mommy22girls - Monday, 6 Apr
Oh hun, I am so sorry for your loss.
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Presley-Rose- (2007) Chloe-Therese- (2009) Tenley (2012)

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