06-5-2009 - Dreading the next few weeks

My mood while writing this blog: Sad

My grandmother is passing away from cancer and will probably pass on in the next few days. She is only 73. She is ready to go, and can't wait to see my grandfather in heaven who passed, also from cancer, 5 years ago. I work at the hospital where she is and I have been her nurse many times. Today i couldn't bare to go into work. it is too hard to function with my family there crying and then for me to have to put on a fake smile and go into other patients rooms and pretend to be happy when I am not. We have not told her about the baby because she is having a hard time leaving all of her little great grandchildren behind and knowing that she won't be around to see this baby would only hurt her more. With my last PG, we told her and she wasn't excited as she was with my first DD. i think she knew she wouldn't live long enough to see the baby born. unfortunatly, that one ended in M/C.

I so desperatly want to ask her if she has been dreaming about eggs! I know sounds crazy, but everytime one of us is pregnant she dreams about eggs! She has to look for them (regular eggs, not easter eggs!) and she digs them up. She says that she dreams about eggs for a few times in the begining. With my last PG she asked my sister if she was pregnant because she had dreamt about eggs (my sister had just gotten married a few months prior) she was not PG, but I was! She told my other sister that she couldn't understand why in each dream her eggs were getting smaller when this has never happened before. They always get bigger and bigger. This last time the egg got as small as a peanut. I miscarried shortly after this. She has never told me this, only told my sister. I think she was scared to upset me. Now, I want to know if she is dreaming about eggs and if they are getting bigger! I am so scared to m/c again.

I love my grandma so much, and will miss her terribly. She was always so full of life and so much fun!