05-8-2009 - Dreams

My mood while writing this blog: Scared/Emotional

So I had the same type of dream. Except my BF left me for another girl when I was around 9 months pregnant. No matter how much I cried and begged, he didn't seem to care about me and that I was going to have his baby within a month. I woke up screaming and crying.

I really wish these dreams would stop. They really scare me because just the thought of my BF not being around just kills me. It's really getting me down. God damn hormones. When does it stop? Am I going to have these dreams for my entire pregnancy?

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So I had the weirdest dream the other night.

Derek and I were sitting at home and the phone rang. I can't remember if I answered it or if he answered it but either way it was some girl. Derek was talking to her like I wasn't even there. I asked him who she was and he whispered something like "It's so-and-so and she thinks that we're together but we're really not. I just don't want to tell her". I started getting upset and grabbed the phone and hung up on her. I then wanted him to call her and tell her that they are not together and that he has a girlfriend and is going to have a baby soon. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't even let me do it or tell me why he was doing this. I cried and begged him to stop what was going on but he didn't seem to care. I woke up screaming, crying and kicking him. Don't think he actually woke up as he's a pretty sound sleeper (He can sleep through anything).

This dream scared me soooo much. When I woke up, I told him that I had the most scariest dream but he didn't seem too interested. Later on, I told him that I was still freaked out about this dream and that's when he wanted to know what it was about so I told him. He said "Why would you dream up something like that? We are together and I would never do that to you." I told him that maybe the reason that I dreamt it is because I think he's hiding something from me. He says that he isn't.

I have some issues with trust and I know that this dream stems from that. I trust Derek but not enough to take a chance in getting hurt even though I know that he will never hurt me and that we both wanted this baby and both don't believe bringing a baby into a broken family. Derek went through alot when his parent's divorced and that's the last thing that he wants. I just don't know why I am having such an issue with the trust thing. We've been together for a year and 3 months and he has never done anything that would make me think that he would cheat on me. I guess just the thought of him leaving me or not being in my life as my partner really scares me. It truly does. He is my soulmate and I never want to lose him. I'd rather die then have to live without him.

Hopefully I can avoid these dreams. Any ideas how? lol