24-5-2009 - Taking the piss

My mood while writing this blog: sad/gutted/disappointed

Im going to put up a 5 week blog in the next couple of days.

This blog is about paul. I just need a vent

Ive been nervous about saying anything to paul. Asking him how he feels about it now. Its horrible. I feel like again i cant enjoy this pregnancy.
He said hes still worried we cant afford it. Which we can. Im the one who counts the money makes sure we have enough for bill. I asked him if hes at all happy about it, because he doesnt act like he is one bit. he hasnt said when ive asked him how he feels that hes happy about it but hes worried we cant afford it. its just worried we cant afford it. He got angry at me because i asked and he said he is, theres no need for me to ask it, like i had some cheek to ask. But come on someone who makes out its bad timing (hes just switched jobs) I can go back to work after the babies born after its born i can get a better job. Here in england i get more child benifits for having a second. I feel like the first where i had a dirty little secret like i cant enjoy it. He says i dont think practically. Well imsorry im not the one who wanted the huge tv etc.

Personally i think he doesnt like it becuase its something he cant control. Where ever we go, like we went into jollys today (pet store) with barney and he was like make sure he doesnt wee on the floor. like im 5 holdign the family pet. I have to be told everything. I feel like a retard. We went to the beach yesterday and i got my money out of my pocket as we were just about to walk into a fish and chip shop, he told me to put it away (not because he was going to pay) again like im a child and im going to lose it. Yeah ive lost my purse a couple of times i got it back, partly in my defence i was 8 months pregnant and at that forgetful stage. but i did it once.

Paul had a few depression issues. Work etc and i understand about being worried about things.... but im fed up of oh poor paul hes down. He sleeps until he has to get up for work wether 6am or 12:30pm. he goes out three times a week to darts works like 2/3 lates a week so most of the week i barely see him, if i feel crap i still have to get up. He expects meals to be made for them (apparently its because i do them so well) bullsh!t its because hes lazy and he knows he can make me feel guilty. I love to cook but i dont like being expected to cook. I feel like ive got the blues now and again. im on my own most of the week. i dont really have anyfriends. well 1 who lives near. the rest live hours away. of course i feel like shit. I feel completely lonely.

Ive put across my feelings a thousand times but nothing ever changes. I dont care about him going out to darts i just want him to get up in the mornings. Maybe make an effort and cook for me once in a while. Having sex with someone is not making them happy and thats all youve got to do.

For my birthday we agreed we'd go up norwich some time and get me something because there was nothing in town really. Well he said hed get me some flowers after work on my birthday (he hadnt even got my bday card on my bday until late at night) well that came and went, sat said after work. sat night oh tomorrow morning. next day tomorrow. Oh i havent got any money. He could of used the joint account i wouldnt care. Well we went food shopping a week or two later i picked up some flowers he came by and said hed pay for them. Who paid for them? yup me. I know things like that shouldnt bother me but its the little things that count.

I just feel like im being trod all over at the moment.

Ive decided im going to enjoy this pregnancy if he doesnt telll his parents then they'll just have to guess when i get big which wont be long lol.

I understand hes worried, but i believe, i know we'll be fine. Im going to start enjoying life, if it means i have to go back to work a little earlier then thats fine by me.

He sobviously not to realistic as he thought. He knew we could get pregnant any time.

grrr im so mad/upset etc.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave lol.

xxx