GoldenMama37's I-am-pregnantblog

GoldenMama37
	Age: 37 Country: USA Province/region: Midwest City: Partner: Bryan - hubby Children: Yes, 1 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: manager
	Online: 2 days ago. Last updated: 35 days ago. Member since: 341 days
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30-9-2009 - One of those days

My mood while writing this blog:
depressed

Man...I am just having one of "those" days. Should have been one of those GOOD days...Gavin slept 8 1/2 hrs last night, had a good hair day, wore a dynamite suit, ate well - no crap, productive, decent day at work, my mom picked up our son from the sitter at 1 to save us some money and she spent some "grandma time" with him, brought him back to our house so he could relax and be at home, and we didn't have to pick him up. I heard he had a great day... but then I came home and all he did was friggin cry!

I swear it's like some nights my husband or my mom hand him to me and I don't know if it's he sees me and wants food (been bottle feeding since 1 week old!) or WTF ..but it's usually around 6:30 at night and it lasts 30 - 60 min. Just kills my day. And Monday it happened 3x - dad hands him to me, wake up and cry. Dad hands him to me, start to fuss then cry. I worry he's sick, in pain (it's not hunger since he just ate sometimes and he's just taken a nap) but I swear it's like he he just doesn't like me and un-does any bond we've formed (not really or completely of course).

I worry about friggin SIDS every damn night. I worry when he cries that he gets too warm and his breathing gets a little funny afterwards. I run the AC to cool the house down, then wake up every 2 hours to check to see if I should turn the heat on. I turn his ceiling fan on, I turn his ceiling fan off. I take his temperature and non of the F'in thermometers - high price pieces of crap seem to give me a good read - even when I practice on myself. How the he!! would I know if this kid even runs a temp? I

worry I'm not a good mom for going back to work - not finding someway - sell my vehicle, refinance my husband's student loans, do whatever I can to stay home with him. I worry, feel guilty that I'm realizing that while I knew I was never a baby person, even with my own son who I love and adore...I'm still terrible at handling the crying part. Whining or fussing, waking up at night, changing diapers, long days, I can handle. But if he cries more than 10 - 15 min I want to put him down and run away (of course I don't) and then I just start to cry myself. Damnit.

I don't want to wish this time away, but I'm glad, guilty-glad, that I have a full time job and don't have to put up with this shit all day. (Weekends and my days off he does not cry much, he really is a good baby). Its just 1x a day - sometimes not every day - that 20 - 30 min stretch just is sooooo hard.

Oh yea, I hate the thought of my husband touching me because I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. And I've been on the pil for a month - but have had my period (light) for 4 of the last 5 weeks. Guess there is a lot of crap bothering me besides the crying. Motherhood is tough. Just trying to survive infancy and will be SO glad when the peak time for SIDs has passed.

Ugh. Thanks for listening.

1 Comments on One of those days

glowingmommy2be - Thursday, 1 Oct
feel free to vent anytime. You're doing a great job and I'm sure it's nothing with you as to why he's crying. Have you talked to your doctor about it? Is it around the same time all the time? that sounds like colic, I know Hunter was like that at different times and it was because of the formula we were supplementing with. Don't feel guilty for having to go back to work, it's a nice dream to be able to stay home, but not realistic for me either. I just keep LOTS of pictures close by and treasure the time I do have with him that much more! If you need support I'm here :)

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