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27-11-2010 - ~*The Freebirth of River Evangeline Skye*~

My mood while writing this blog: Triumphant

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River’s story is one of healing and empowerment. Nothing that swirled around my head for nine months could ever prepare me for the pure magick of birthing my baby at home unassisted. Her story began the day mine and my son’s story began. The day they knocked me out, stole my birth memories, and scared more than my belly but my heart and mind as well. It was from that moment of my darkest hour, my most defeated moment…that I vowed to never again be under the cutting hands of obstetrics. River, sweet little River Evangeline Skye came down from heaven’s clouds and graced us with her presence earthside on February 27, 2010 4:56 am. Punctual little soul that she is, arrived on her due date just like her older sister, and was a tiny 6lbs 6 oz, and was 18 inches long. At 10 pm the night of the 26th I decided I might as well get some sleep. Ironically Jon had just whispered “We’ve got to get some sleep in case you go into labor tonight.” I shut my eyes and came to the conclusion that I would indeed be pregnant forever…and then in the lows of my belly I felt a rush. I figured it was one of many strong Braxton Hicks ‘d had for the last month. I tried to ignore them, but they were pretty big and coming every 5-6 minutes and so after 3 I had no choice but to chuckle and say “Hey babe, hope that was enough rest for you!” Jon moved to the couch where I rocked on an exercise ball while chatting with a dear friend online-panting and ooohing every 5 minutes.

And then things shifted into high gear quickly. I was in instant active labor. There was never a "little rush here" a little one there. It was BAM BAM BAM! I sang my heart out to the almost full moon, I rocked on my ball telling River to come out now…At one point I decided to take a walk outside. I put one shoe on and then started cursing and growling like a wolf. I decided to shower and try to relax while the water hit my belly and back. By the time I got out the rushes came from the belly downward and made my thighs shake every 3-4 minutes, lasting 45 seconds to a minute long. I would laugh the next morning, staring at my untied shoe under the table and bringing me back to the night before… Photographer arrived at around 2 am, I would chat with her and Jon and then flop all over in different ways and moan. I briefly let Jon rub my back before I needed to retreat to the bathroom and be alone with my thoughts. I sat on the toilet for a long while, opening wide and letting my weight go. My rushes weren't that bad elsewhere (like my back, legs, top of tummy) but the energy and force around my scar made me buck in pain as it seriously felt like have someone cut me on the inside, again and again. I admit I let myself slip back to that horrible day, and almost let memories get the best of me. I sat there for who knows how long, I checked myself for the first time and had a bloody show, and could feel the hard fontanel of River’s head. I cried for Jon to fill my birthing pool quickly. I had to laugh because the poor guy filled that water so hot, I told him we were trying to have a baby, not cook one!

I sat in the water in a mix of reality, shock, and ambivalence-with just a dash of determination. Perhaps it was like cooking after all…Soon spiritual HAD to overcome reality because the storm approached. Thirty minutes in I felt like I was going to just go belly up in the pool, it took EVERYTHING in me to not pass out! I was screaming like a wild beast, growling, howling, "ooooohing", slithering around in the water. In between rushes I felt like I was soaring in the eye of the storm-I felt myself slip away to somewhere so wonderful I’m not sure I could ever reach again unless I was laboring. It was so peaceful I could just fall asleep if I had the chance, but soon after the calm my uterus would tense and bring me back to the present and the work at hand. My friend came in, and became my focus point while Jon rubbed my back. When I would say "Oh the baby isn't moving down! I don't think this is going to work!" she would remind me of why I was there, how strong I was, how hard I had worked to get there.

So there I was, looking at the tallest wall I had ever seen in my life. On the other side was River. I remember feeling again and feeling a HEAD! I thought "Oh my Goddess, I'm going to have a baby! It's either push or crumble!" Then just as I thought it really couldn't be any more heavy, the urge to push took over. But I wasn't dilated all the way! So I had to manually push the lip of what was left of the cervix out of the way (didn't hurt at all by the way!). And then my body was feeling like it was going to invert itself with the power of pushing.

The rushes slowed down, but thier power was tremendous now when they came. I had no control over pushing at all, my mind and my body just took over and I remember making the most horrid sounds, and wondering how long it would be before someone called the cops on us. And then I felt a stinging with each forceful push, I was certain that my insides were coming out, I’m sure my face expressed that very sentiment. Here is where so many women get lost-and I can see how they would. I was sure I’d sit in the tangled woods of fear, and never find the light to guide me out. This is where you come to crossroads of acceptance and submission to the unknown, or tension and fear. This was out of my hands, the moment I learned that I couldn’t fight what was happening but that I could go with the currents and embrace this work and work WITH my body instead of against it, that is when pain would leave me.

After several of these crazy crushing waves, I felt more burning but nothing like the "fire" that everyone describes…Between my hips I held an entire universe. I felt my bones sliding to open up for her like a lotus unfolding, I felt the core of my being holding onto her for one more second as if to say “Ok little girl, I’ve carried you this far, and now it’s time for you to make your own space in the world!”...and then all at once her head came out and she shot out like a tiny vernix coated missile into the water. Jon reached down and together we lifted our baby into existence. I DID IT! WE DID IT! My body, my birth, my way! No cutting, no sadness, no heartache. I felt like a Goddess, I felt more human than I ever had before, I felt like nothing in the world could stop me. I soared over that wall and felt like I could just keep flying... And River, oh my tiny little River, she's just perfect. So serene, she came out pinky and nice and gave a small cry to let us know she was breathing. We waited a good 20 minutes before deciding to cut the cord.

In one second my heart went from broken to healed. She truly is my little angel-and her birth will forever bring great strength to me. She showed me that my body cannot overcome me, for I AM my body and I make the rules. This is empowerment, this is birth without intervention, this is womanhood-and it’s something I won’t EVER EVER forget.

Thanks to all the wonderful women who stood by me for the 9 months of a dream in the making. For never judging, even though I'm sure that some thought I was a bit nuts for my birth choices. You all stood by me like sisters, and for that I will be forever grateful. I will always tell River about how wonderful her aunties all over the world are, and I hope she grows up and has friends as wonderful as you all.

But most of all to my husband Jonathan-who was with me from the day of my unnecessarean, through the rain of post partum depression and back into the sun again, through 9 months of educating ourselves… and not once leaving my side as I pulled myself out of a dark and uncertain hole that was sure I would never escape from. He has been my best friend and my partner, the best doula and assistant midwife any woman could hope for. He is the definition of a life partner, soulmate and father. Thank you babe for everything and believing in me, us and River. The inbetween...the moment right before her first breath!

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5 Comments on ~*The Freebirth of River Evangeline Skye*~


dorge72 - Wednesday, 29 Dec
You write so beautifully! I hope your next birthing experience is just as lovely.

IMakeArmyBrats3 - Tuesday, 7 Dec
Thanks girls! It's my biggest hope that my story and pushing for other women to achieve VBAC despite doctors saying otherwise, will help in some way. I try my best to inform others of natural birthing, of the effects of cesarean on mother's hearts and minds, and how most of all our bodies are amazing and capable of so much if we have faith!

aussiegirl80 - Sunday, 28 Nov
i love your birth story - congratulations!

jenncvw - Saturday, 27 Nov
Thank you for sharing this... this is one of the most beautiful birth stories I have ever read! Congratulations!

giadaandelijah - Saturday, 27 Nov
That is just SOOO beautiful! having experienced 2 c-sections, it was amazing to be able to read this and actually FEEL like i was there or maybe even a tad of what you were experiencing. It also gives me hope that my next one doesnt have to be a c-section. Congrats and you did an amazing job!!!