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28-1-2009 - 3 months now

My mood while writing this blog: content

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Well I've been absent from this site for awhile and thought it was time to hook back into it.

My work has eased off for a little while and I'm feeling MUCH better as a result. Life was far too difficult from week 2 until about week 10 - because of huge and stressful work commitments.

Aria is now 13 weeks old - I can't believe it! She is amazing - such a lovely baby. We're at the smiling and cooing stage and yesterday I got my first real giggle that I could get her to repeat. Fantastic. She has attached herself within my heart in such a strong way - I'm actually a little overwhelmed with the depth of my feelings for her. It wasn't quite like this with my first two boys (love them dearly).

Baby Aria is so content, and so am I.

Last night, for the first time, she slept through. (Actually, she woke for the 3 am feed and I put a pacifier in her mouth instead and she went back to sleep until 6 am). As she is purely breastfed this is quite an accomplishment and I'm hopeful it may be the start of more sleep for me!

The weight gain is steady for her ..... and for me. That's right - I'm gaining! As I'm trying to lose weight I'm a bit shocked to see the scales actually go up. Apart from that, life is great at the moment. It is summer, I'm enjoying her, she's loving life so far, her brothers adore her, Dad does too (when he's around - he works away a lot).

My feelings for her are quite complicated. I still look at her and can't believe that my twin boys died and that I'd have had 2 of them instead of 1 of her. (Despite investigations, there was no medical reason for their deaths in the 2nd tri of pregnancy). I wouldn't have her if they had made it. But I would have had 2 babies instead. I wouldn't swap her for them. But I wouldn't lose them again if I could go back. But that would mean I wouldn't have her. That is a strange and complicated feeling. Let's just say that I'm overwhelmed with a mix of happiness and also sadness/loss each time I look at her. The two emotions co-exist but the main feeling is one of love - for them and for her.

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