18-4-2008 - Pregnancy Update April 18th

My mood while writing this blog: Down and Fed Up

I went to my 1st Antenatal Class yesterday and it was about birth and labour which was interesting if not eye opening. Made me dread birth even more allthough I have decided that I would definately like a waterbirth if possible. Looks alot more relaxing and also apparently your less likely to have any tears and stitches as the water softens you more down below making it easier to stretch. I'm still scared of the pain though :-(

As for today though I'm 34 weeks and i'm feeling really down and fed up. Just before I found out I was pregnant I had just left a job that I had been in for 2 and a half yrs as a credit controller as i was unhappy there and started a new job as an adminstrator. 3 Weeks after starting my new job I found out I was pregnant. Wasn't planning on telling them straight away 1, cos I was in shock n 2, it was a temp to perm job and I knew that if I told them straight away they wouldn't take me on permanently. Anyway baby had other ideas and I had to tell them because of all the time I had to have off at the beginning due to the bleeds. Thats when the stupid company decided to get rid of me and since then i have been unable to work, I know its probally the best for the baby that i didnt work cos since i stopped working I havent had anymore bleeds but it means i've been without money and been having to rely on my boyfriend for support. Which i hate as i've always been Miss Independant.

Since i've been preg though it seems one thing after another has gone wrong. I feel like i'm losing all my friends. I cant go out much at the moment as I have no money, I also cant drive about much again because of petrol and no money for it, as at the moment the price of petrol seems to be rising higher n higher....

My mum n step dad were really happy at the beggining and said they would support me all the way but all i've had is constant agro from them and i feel like they are just pushing me out. I was a constant baby sitter for about 4 months for my lil brother who's 6. My mum expected me to drop everything for him. Yes he is my brother but i have my own things to concentrate on now ffs i'm pregnant. I didnt mind picking him up from school and babysitting till she got home from work but then she expected me to babysit everytime she wanted to go out aswell if my step dad was at work and if i couldnt she'd mardy like a stupid teenager she's almost 42 ffs. It got so bad with her selfishness i refused point blank to do it anymore n now she's got a new job so either my step dad or my mum is there for him. My other brother who's 15 has become violent aswell but its always MY fault apparently as I somehow manage to wind him up? How i dont know cos to be quite honest i hardly see him n if i do i dont actually talk to him. My step dad is a complete control freak and is also violent aswell and its so bad i basically dont go home unless I know he is out or at work and so is my 15 yr old brother. I'm currently lodging at my bf's because of what has gone off at home, which is good cos he gets to see and feel baby kick all the time and we get to spend everynight with eachother but not really ideal as the house is a bit cramped, he lives with 2 sisters and a brother aswell as his mum and dad all under one roof and now we have a baby on the way its not really ideal home to bring baby up in. But we cant afford our own place at the moment either cos my bf doesnt exactly earn that much and is also trying to support me. The local council are absolutely useless. The only way you can get a place with them is basically if your foreign or ur under 16 n pregnant! House prices along with everything else bar wages in this stupid damn country have gone up so much that its now difficult for 1st time buyers to actualy get on the property ladder anyway. Sometimes i just sit back n wish none of this ever happened. I miss my old life, the independant me, the outgoin me. I feel like i've become such a recluse. I know its probally selfish of me especially as being pregnant in the 1st place was somewhat a miracle because of my PCOS and what i was told by my doctor plus there are so many others out there who would love to be in my situation but this is just not how i planned on bringing a child in the world. I have no stability in my life at the moment and what gd is that going to do for my baby? I planned on getting a gd job, a house of my own and possibly marriage before I even thought about children especially cos i've not exactly had the best of childhoods myself.

They said that being pregnant and having a baby is a life changing experience but I never knew it would be this bad. I wanted to enjoy pregnancy but all i've done is regret it. I dont wanna be like this i really don't but i can't help it n i dunno wot to do............