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20-8-2008 - Doctor's Appt Today

My mood while writing this blog: Sad/Lonely/Tired

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Today I get to go to my doctor's appointment for my 32 week check up. I am going to ask for a referral to see the psych...(he had offered last time but I declined) I need so much help regarding my husband and marriage, and this baby, and how to raise her in a stable environment with all this instability going on in my life. Joel and I started talking again a couple weeks ago, but I did not move back in with him. I just made the stupidist mistake of allowing him to use me for $120.00 dolloars that who knows now if I will ever get paid. He makes me so sad. I dont understand why I allow this to happen time and time again. I am not sure if he is using again, but he is doing whatever he wants, not making me a priority at all...and what's worse is I dont even want to be with him, but I love him so much and dont want to be with anyone else....These feelings make me feel so weak and unstable in my decisions. I think about when this baby is born how I want to be a happy family with my husband and I cry because I want that fantasy, but the reality is I will probably be doing this without him. I just think plenty of women have done this before and I am a super strong female, I CAN DO IT, and I have my family backing me up. Plus what did I expect, he hasnt changed before, what would make him change this time...I am so tired of putting my worth down because of his addiction!!! It hurts so bad and my self worth and confidence is at the bottom of the barrell....

I pray God hold's my hand and guides me and helps me to find true happiness. Gwendalyn is my happiness....and my Kali too....God please help bring me to realize what REAL family is, Please give me Your perfect love and wipe these tears away...

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1 Comments on Doctor's Appt Today


joje - Thursday, 21 Aug
Hey- I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Especially at a time like this. Please feel free to message me anytime. I know I am a perfect stranger but that might make it easier to vent.

Wishing the best for you & your babies. You seem to be a strong girl. Please keep in touch & try to take care of yourself. xoxoxo