05-10-2009 - updated info on the adoption and school and other stuff

My mood while writing this blog: down

So I did it. I resigned from classes today. I also went and had a talk with the workers at the agency, I felt so bad because although I did give them my marital status on the info app, they had me feel out when I first went in, but I guess it had not been checked, so legally I am not able to give up the new baby when I have it, unless Ken signs off on it too, which of course he is not. It's not my fault, so the agency had agreed to inform the couple on my behalf. I cant believe I was so close to giving them a gift that is being taken away from them. I really feel awful. I need to talk with my husband, because I really do think I want a divorce. This is not going as planned. I married him when I was still in high school and everything was wonderful until he left. I understood that he made a sacrifice for me, but this is so hard right now. I know I am not supposed to be stressing because the baby, but I cant help it. Its just not right, but I dont want 13 yrs to go down the drain. This is my entire life. I do still love my husband, but right now what he is putting me through is total hell and regardless of what any of you think I am trying, but I dont want his resentment towards me. Why is this so hard????

Also I am in the final stages of packing so I can go back home, so I might not be on that much the next few days I have a flight scheduled to leave Thursday night. Its now kicking in, the reality that I am leaving everything I have worked so hard for behind and is not able to predict my future and where I am headed.