07-11-2008 - Anxious

My mood while writing this blog: A little terrified

Now this may seem a little ridiculous but...it really hit me recently that: I am going to have a baby. Some where in the next 26 days a little person is going to come out of my body and turn my home upside down.

I re-packed my hospital bag last week and i had all of the baby clothes on the bed. I kind of sat there a bit mystified thinking to myself: "Some one is actually going to be wearing these clothes". I know it seems silly because i've done this before but it still boggles my mind!

When i look down at my tummy i have a hard time really believeing that there is a person in there. My son in there. I wonder what this person will look like and how they will behave. Will he take easily to the breast? Will i have to bottle feed?Will my son sleep thourhg the night or scream 'till the early hours? Will he be a baby who loves bathtime or screams blue murder when i undress him?

I walk through my home and i see a cot in my daughters' room(the "kids" room now i should say), i notice the car seat in the study, a craddle in the study too and a pram. I see a few boxes of newborn nanppies and i open the cupboard full of little boy clothes, there's a little blue bath and...somehow it still doesn't feel real.

There is a part of me that is so excited and sick of feeling like i've been pregnant for a hundred years and just wants to get it over with. Then there is this other part that is well....terrified. I honestly don't think i can do this again. I'm scared of complications, i'm scared of tearing or worse...having an episiotomy. But most of all i'm scared of the searing,inescapeable agony that is child birth.

I feel like a wimp. I was only 16 when i had the most straight-forward text book pregnancy and delivery but i've been stung. This pregnancy took me by surprise. Firstly because the getting pregnant part was actually difficult when my daughters conception was a "surprise". Then came the severe exhaustion, throw in some depression, the gestational diabetes and we have ourselves an award winning stressful pregnancy not to mention [E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G] else...including crazy family members, the house, my daughter, our acre of land that needs to be maintained while the mister works long hours, 6 days a week and ect ect bloody ect that i'm sure you can all relate to!.

I'm sorry if i'm complaining. It's not that i'm not happy. I wouldn't change my crazy, hectic life for anything in the world. This is where i want to be, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a challenge :P

Now back to the topic at hand: This birth. I just don't know how i'm going to pull through this time. It's so familiar yet completely different all at the same time. This is also my husbands' first delivery experience. He is a very strong person but i don't think he's going to handle seeing his wife in agaony and completely out of it, as well as he thinks he's going to handle it.

I keep trying to envision how this birth will take place. Where i'll go into labour and how. How my husband will cope, how i will cope and it makes me feel unprepared.

Also, although i love my husband dearly and he'seen every part of my body i feel self-conscious. I feel this way because yes he's seen me from every angle in every light but he's never see "that area" stretched and straining and purple from the effort of trying to push a baby out.

I've tried to save myself the embarssment by trying to tell him all that will and could happen. I've told him about the 3 stages of labour.

I've explained episiotomies and tearing andsticthes. I've spoken about crowning and delivering the after birth, complications,c-sections,suction cups ect. We've talked about poop,puke and pee but still...i feel nervous about having him there. It's a double edged sword because i couldn't not have him there and i can't excatly say: "Hey huni could you just turn away while i deliver our baby?".

To some up my dribble" I'm scared about the delivery, excited about my son being born, nervous about my husband and sick of being pregnant!

I really hope none of my "I-am-pregnant" friends now think of me as a whining,self-absorbed cow. But thankyou all for letting me vent :) All comments and opinions welcome!