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|06-4-2010 - The Skin Thing
||My mood while writing this blog:|
Unsure and Worried
As many of you would know I met my Husband Cain when My Daughter was about 23 Months old. We fell inlove and became a family. Also as alot of you would know my Daughters' biological father is part Figian. He has quite dark skin and so our daughter, being a mix of Caucasian/Figian has a beautiful Olive complexion.
It's never been an issue for our Family. Cain has and always will be "Dad". He's not her Step-Dad, He's her Father. When I was about 2 my Dad married my Mum. He's not my biological father but he always has and always will be my father. Even when my parents divorced and he Married my Step-Mum nothing changed.
My Husband's Father came on the scene when he was only 3. So my Husband and I BOTH come from familys where good men stepped up to father children that were not theirs biologically. In these situations bonds far out-weigh blood and it really is just normal and it doesn't even occur to you until a rude individual says something like: "Oh what nice skin she has, what ethnicity is she?" Or "Oh she doesn't really look like either of you, where does she get her skin colour from?"
My Daughter was the first very, best thing to ever happen in my life (The next being Cain, Lucius and now Gabriel). I am so deeply in love with this girl I can't even begin to explain. But having her has really opened my eyes to some ugly truths.
I honestly thought racism was done away with. That was until I caught a scabby, Ill-cared for ,caucasion child over the back fence calling my Daughter "Shan-Asisa" and "Shan-India". This was some time ago now but it absolutely made me sick took me by surpise. I irgnored it and told my Daughter to keep away from him. Then one day I walked outside to see this feral, disgusting child throwing large rocks at my Daughter.
I picked up the rock (Which was about the size of my palm) went up to the fence line and gave that little brat an earful! I told him that what he did was absolutely digusting and that he could have injured her or worse. I told him if I ever saw him do anything like that again I would be speaking with his Grandparents(He lived with them and so did his cousin).
Anyway, My point : As much as this is a non-issue for us it seems to be an issue for others. All of this is made worse by the fact that next year we'll be enroling Shaniya in school and it's only a matter of time before those gossipy women I try so hard to avoid start asking questions, or trying to pry things out of my Daughter.
Shaniya is definitely becoming more aware of the situation. Not long ago she was in the shops with her Father and she pointed out some people to him and said :"Look Dad, they have brown skin like me". And more recently was an observation she made in the car : "Dad is white, Mum is white, Lucius is white but I'm brown, I'm different".
I had to bite down on my lip to stop from crying,I composed myself and calmly said: "Everyone is different, Lucius has yellow hair like Mum, but you have brown hair like Dad, Lucius and Mum have blue eyes, but you and Dad have brown eyes. Everyone is different Honey".
I asked Cain about wether or not we should talk to her about things. He said we should wait a little longer because she wont understant right now. I clearly remember the day (I was 8) when My Dad and Step-Mum told me Dad wasn't my "real" Dad. It broke my heart to peices. I don't think I have the strength to see her hurt like that. I don't know how to do this.
I'm so Proud of my Daughter. And not just because she is Beautiful. But also because she is smart and creative. If it wasn't for her Olive complexion people would have no idea she was not Cains' biological Daughter. He is the most wonderful, loving father. I know my Husband and there's no part of him that feels he is a "Step-Dad". He's her real father and that's that.
We are a complete family. I refuse to be categorised as a "Blended-Family". If it's blended it's not because Shaniya has another Dad, it's because Cain joined US! I just can't bare the thought of something like "Skin-colour" picking apart our family. I have never had any room for Racism in my heart and never will. I think all races are beautiful and unique. I wish this wasn't even an issue!
Another worry for me is that apparently the same-sex parent is the one who influences the child predominately. Well I'm my Daughters role-model. And it's so evident. She immitates me and likes the things I like. She always tells me how beautiful I look when I get dressed up. But now she also says things like: "Mummy, you are so beautiful with your yellow hair and your white skin, I love your eyes that are blue".
I just feel my Heart get so heavy when she says things like this. We have always installed in her that Intelligence and kindness are FAR more important traits than looks. But I'm her mother. She looks at me and I'm her ideal of what a woman should be (for now anyway). I have never felt good about my looks. I hate that I have a narrow face. To me "Round" features are beautiful on women. Round faces, round eyes. It's funny because my Daughter is my ideal of Beauty.
I do make an effort to point out beautiful features in ALL coloured people. Asian, Indian, Dark, Light, Olive..you name it. I point out Red hair, Yellow hair, Black hair, Curvy women, Tiny women, Tall women.
I don't want to focus on external beauty. But I do want her to know that Beauty is not embodied in an anorexic white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes. That ALL women of ALL shapes and ALL sizes are Beautiful.
I know once again I've rambled. I guess I'm just scared. She's my only girl and one day she's going to be a young woman. And alot of how she feels about herself as a Woman will come from me and what I have taught her knowingly, or unknowingly.
Shaniya is most definitely the apple of my eye. A naughty, spicy apple lol But one I adore none the less. I want her to know she is Beautiful inside AND out. I want her to know she IS as much part of this family as her brothers. And I want her to KNOW Dad is her Dad as much, if not more-so than her Brothers. Afterall, she was the child that made him a Dad for a first time, and made us a real family.
All comments and suggestions welcome :-) Thanks Ladies!
5 Comments on The Skin Thingsianlouise
- Wednesday, 7 Apr You're daughter is so beautiful, she is so exotic looking and I bet she will be the envy of millions of girls when she is older! I would just keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job as it is!Children are very innocent and any racial disrespect you know has come from parents and what they are passing on to there children. I think its disgusting but unfortuntely its still the world we live in and its up to us to provide our children with as much love and support as possible to counteract such awful behaviour. Good luck with it, but I genuinely think as a family you are strong and united and will get through it together : ) amanda162
- Tuesday, 6 Apr Awww that is such a touching story. I honestly though I was reading something from that chicken soup book hahah. I know what you mean and what your husband thinks I would wait to have that talk with her until she s a bit older you dont want to confuse her to early hahah. I hope that helps.-Amanda:wub SimarBabii3
- Tuesday, 6 Apr out of all your blogs, this one got me teary eyes. I am half mohawk indian, My father is full blooded.. My sisters have a different dad. I never understood why my mom & my sisters had blonde blonde hair.. & I looked "different" it wasn't until I was older that I understood my fathers native american & I just carried more of his genes.. I didn't understand at the time they had different dads either. Being that young theirs a lot we don't understand. BUT, we do understand love & as your daughter gets older no matter when u tell her or how u tell her, she's gonna remember the love & things you've shown her. I worry about the same thing. My oldest daughter Sabrena 'may' have a different father then my girl Jordan & the new one on the way. when I met my husband I'd just gotten out of a long relationship. & got pregnant soooo fast. Josh is aware, & has known from the beginning that Sabrena might not be his.. but he's never treated her like that & never says "well she may not even be mine" He says SHE IS MINE.. I don't think I'll ever want to find out through dna testing unless of course their was a serious health issue involved.. I don't know.. I have mixed thoughts on it.. but as far as we're all concerned Josh is daddy. He always has been & always will be. I know when she gets older my evil mother will tell her, cuz thats just how she is... & I'll have to explain to her that we don't look at it that way. any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy & thats what she has. I think your doing all the right things by your lil girl. parenting is hard regardless of these pebbles thrown in your path.. The little punk pickin on your girl tho.. he'll have a bigger bully on his case for something else one day.. weither he has freckles, a lisp, learning problems.. kids are brutal. It doesn't have to be race they find something to pick on. ya know? But as far as explaining to your daughter that all kinds of women are beautiful.. that's great!! more moms need to tell their daughters this.. I tell my girls. I just don't want them to grow up thinking a certain type is "perfect" or what you see on t.v. most of them are air brushed or have had some kinda surgery to fix them.. ya know?? Your doing great!!! I worry too.. about everything. I guess it's what we signed up for =D KyMMie MuMMy
- Tuesday, 6 Apr analove you couldn't be more right! I always make sure to let her know how Beautiful I think she is with her Olive complexion and Big brown eyes. Thank you for your comment. It's a comfort knowing I'm not the only one in this situation :-) samanthabishop
- Tuesday, 6 Apr you should be proud of your baby girl and kudos to cain for stepping up to be the real man that you both need. ppl should stop and think b4 they say things. its 2010 and things are different, families are different. blood mean nothing when there is love. dont pay those ppl any attention.