25-6-2010 - My only place for support

My mood while writing this blog: seeing red/ upset

I don't exactly know how to start this. Just a pre-warning because this is yet anothet vent! I really wish I didn't have to do all my venting here...But I really have no one else. I hate that feeling.

The biggest issue right now is my Husband. Sometimes I really regretting getting married so young. In alot of ways he has alot of f*cking growing up to do. I feel like I'm just going to be tolerating him for the next 10-15 years until he starts behaving asthough he has an adult mind-set.

I have said before how uninterested and unsipportive of this pregnancy he has been. Well nothing has changed. I'm in my last few weeks of the most lonliest pregnancy I have ever had...and still...here I am basically doing it solo.

I really am a full-time -stay- at -home- mum (We don't have anyone who can mind the kids so when I say full time..I mean every second of every hour of EVERY day) and running around after my almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old had made this pregnancy more exhausting beyond my wildest imagination.

Mainly it's just the little things killing me right now. I have a friend who is pregnant for the first time. She's a lovely girl and has been through alot so I'm happy for her. But when I see Fb posts about her Boyfriend who dotes on her and makes her breakfast every morning it kind of makes me feel like crap. I basically have to harass my Husband for a foot massage.

Throughout this entire pregnancy he hasn't once volunteered to give me a back massage. I know this doesn't seem like much, but when you're aching from your head to your feet and exhausted a back run really goes along way. I'm just tired of feeling so ignored.

Last night really sent me over the edge though. I told him that the kids had just been showered and weren't dressed or fed yet. And what does he do? He gets the remote and sits on the lounge. So I spark up saying "What are you doing?!? I said the kids aren't dressed or fed yet". So he finally dresses our son (Daughter can dress herself) and puts his top on backwards (that's another thing, the f*ck wit hardly ever does anything properly!!!). Then he crapily prepares them some dinner (It was pasta and I had already pre-cooked the pasta that didn't end up being used the night before) and he has the audacity to complain?

So basically I spend the rest of the evening in my room. Feeling so upset and annoyed. He is not blind. Stupid maybe...but not blind. And instead of being an empathetic or caring human being and asking your pregnant wife what is wrong or try to fix things...he just carries on like a dickhead and has a little hissy fit and walks out. Sometimes...I just want to crack him in the face.

Anyway so last night was hellish. Our son was in our bed (again, I really have to sort this out pronto) my back ached, I had restless ankles, feet and legs and I was getting cramps. The whole situation was made worse by the fact that we had a missed call at amlost 10:00pm by his stupid parents. So of course that stressed me out beyond belief.

So I was tossing and turning and gritting my teeth and feeling close to a nervouse break down. At some point he moves our son out of our bed and my Husband starts to touch my back a little, tracing his fingers. It was sort of soothing and was helping me to relax but he stops after like a minute. I tell him that it's helping me to relax and could he keep doing it. Well that last a grand total of one more minute before he fucking falls asleep. Great.

So thismorning I wake up and he's still being an inconsiderate prick and accuses me of being "Negative". He tries to give me a kiss goodbye before he goes to work (Work...basically the place he lives) and I refuse. I tell him that if I give him a kiss he will think everything is ok and that everything is not ok. So he has a little hissy, bitch fit like the immature little brat he is and makes a comment about "Doing everything" before walking out the door. At this point it takes all my self-control NOT to go and punch him in his big nose (sorry...so unnecissary but I'm so enraged right now!!!!!!).

Then he says "Fuck you" to which I reply "Fuck you right back". What an unbelieveable bastard. What an inconsiderate, Immature, self-absorbed prick. Sometimes...I hate him! Somewhere before the "F*ck you" part of this story he asked me to clean the garage. His sister and fiance are coming over today and I already have enough things to clean, organise. My response was "Like I don't have enough to do" and of course he replied with something immature and inconsiderate. I think that's what lead to the "I do everything" line. And to feeling of me wanting to harm him.

So thismorning I wake up to f*cking muddy dog tracks all over the floor. They mutts have managed to get dirt all over the kids' lounge. Cain could CLEARLY see this before he left for work. Didn't say anything about it. Didn't offer to clean it up. I guess cleaning up perpetual fucking messes is my job. So after the bastard leaves for work I get down on my hands and knees and start to clean up the muddy tracks. I get to the main lounge room only to find dried mud smeared all over one of the lounged there!! So it was about at that point where I threw the cloth on the lounge and burst into tears and came in here.

It's been hard trying to stay positive and happy. Cain is always late home from work. But I never ride him about it. Even when he goes on and on and on about work I listen. I try to feind interest in this new car or this new feature. But what do I get in return? A prick of a Husband who could care less about me or my pregnancy. I'll be full term tomorrow and our unborn son doesn't even have a middle name. He has not even made one suggestion. When I brought the topic up he said "How about we just don't give him a middle name". I said "No, He's going to have a middle name like the others". What I FELT like saying was "NO! Stop being a lazy prick and help me find once you jerk off!!!!!!".

This situation is only made worse by the fact that like I said I never get a break or time to myself. My family never calls to see how I am. I don't have anyone I can talk to because most of my friends are dealing with there own dramas and so here is really all I have.

I don't know what more to say. Other than I'm feeling just incredibly low right now. I'm so riled up...I feel like calling my Husband and shouting down the phone line at what an unbelieveable bastard he is and how he can go find himself ANOTHER wife who likes being married to an inconsiderate prick and likes being ignored. Match made in heaven. Unfortunately I require Human compassion and empathy sometimes. Oh and a LITTLE bit of fricking support!

I'm trying to end this rant. But fresh things keep bubbling up in my mind that tick me off. Like when he does cook dinner...there is shit left all over the kitchen! I end up having to wash up everything he uses. It's almost not worth having him cook dinner. When I cook or prepare food I have a "clean as I go" policy. So everytime I am done making food (which is constantly) the kitchen stays clean. Another things I do...apart from making food is cleaning messes. My life is spent cleaning up messes. I'm so over this.

Also, things are obviously hard right now. But how's it going to be juggling looking after 3 kids and ALL the household duties and the lack of support from him? I'm forseeing depression in my near future. And lots of it.

And I know this is probably the most petty part, what I'm about to say next...but it's onm my mind and I need to vent. The Romance. What is that even? It's like we fell in love and everything was peachy and then things started to go rotten. He has been on a plan where he gets free txts. It's been months and not once has he even sent me a sweet message. The last time he wrote me anything even remotely sweet was a letter last year. And that's only because he had royally f*cked up and he knew I was thinking about leaving.

In the past he has at least written sweet messages in birthday cards. You'd expect a heartfelt message in your Anniversary card but this was all I got: "To my Dearest Wife, Loving you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. But I am sorry to remind you that us celebrating two years is just the beginning of you having to put up with me. Thank you for everything. Your loving Husband."- Wow...enough to make you go weak at the knees. Not.

He's not wrong though...I do feel like I'm just "Putting up with him". This is not going to work if this is what it's going to be like. Me trying to be positive and upbeat is a joke. Wearing rose coloured glasses only works for so long. For about as long as it takes to realise you have spent nine months grownig a baby by yourself! I'm surpised that I managed to find enough good things to write a two page letter on our anniversary. A sincere letter. I must have been wearing my Rose-coloureds'....very handy for convincing yourself that you are happy.

I'm sure there's more but that's about all I can remember. I need to go and feed the kids and clean up the mud off the floor and lounges.

Once again thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I'm sorry it's so negative. And I'm sorry that this being my only means of support means you all get to see the worst of me.

I hope everyone is well. Belly rubs.