22-6-2009 - Probably going to be leaving this site permanently

My mood while writing this blog: Emontionless I guess...

Hey ladies, I have recently made a very big decision. If this isn't my month (which I doubt it will be), I will be deleting my profile and never returning. When AF arrives in about 12 days, I will make an appointment with my doctor to get on some form of birth control with more reliability than the pill, and I will be staying on it indefinately. I can't take the heartache when Michael says he wants a kid then doesn't want sex. I don't know what he really wants, and I talk to him about it and he assures me he wants to start a family. He has virtually no sex drive, it's getting to the point were I'm lucky if I get sex once a week. Sure, that 'once a week' could get me pregnant if it's at the right time, but I don't wanna be having sex purely to try and start a family. I wanna be having sex because we love each other too. It drives me insane, and had me crying yesterday.

If I had the money, I'd try to get my doctor to organise for me to get both my tubes cut so that I can never have kids. I want a family so badly, but not if I'm going to have to go through heartache this bad to get there. If the physical side of our relationship doesn't get better in 6 months, I may leave Michael, because it hurts too bad. I love him more than I can explain, and I know he feels the same, but I need affection, and I know you all know what I mean. I'm not going to tell Michael that I'm going on birth control, but I will be abstaining from sex as much as I can stand just so he can feel what I feel. It sometimes feels like I have to make him really upset so that we have make up sex in order to get some. It's not healthy, and I think that knowing there is no chance that I can get pregnant may help me to sort out these issues.

Thank you all for your support, and I'm sorry that I haven't shown many of you the same amount of support. I may check in from time to time (without an account obviously) to see how some of you are going, but that will probably be unlikely; I'll just hurt myself more. It's been nice knowing you all, and I wish you all the best with wherever you're at. Take care.