23-8-2009 - Just blogging cos I can

My mood while writing this blog: confused and tired

So, like the title of my blog suggests, I'm just blogging cos I can.

Michael and I saw the movie 'The Ugly Truth' earlier, and it was great. But for some weird reason, right at the end of the movie, I started feeling sad. I don't know why. Then my eyes started getting a little teary when I was thinking about stuff on the way home. I'm really indecisive about whether I want to keep TTC or not at the moment. I haven't gotten around to speaking to Michael about it yet, but I don't know what I want. I know that I should probably hold off for awhile so that Michael and I can go on our trip next year in April, and so that my dad and I (Michael doesn't know if he wants to come anymore) can go on our road trip to Melbourne. But I don't know whether those two trips are more important right now, or whether starting a family is more important. Or perhaps the better terminology is which is more of a priority right now? I have no idea which is which, and it's making me a little sad. I know I'm young and should travel a little before we start a family and such, but when you've made the decision to TTC, it's hard to erase the thoughts and feelings involved in it from your mind long enough to make and stick to other decisions. At least that's how it is for me anyway. I'm almost beginning to think that maybe I'm not ready to be a parent yet. I know that when the time comes for me to be a parent, my thoughts on that will change, but when I'm not yet in that position, it makes me doubtful. I hate feeling down, it's not something I like at all. When tomorrow comes, I'll probably be over this, but for now it's making me feel horrible. I don't even know how I feel right now; I know I'm feeling some sort of negative emotion, but I'm not entirely sure whether it's sadness, anger, confusion, doubt, or anything else you can think of. Sorry if this isn't making much sense, I'm just typing as things come to my head. While I was feeling really doubtful earlier, I was wishing I could go back to my childhood for awhile; life seemed so much simpler and easier when I was little, which it was. To be honest, before I peed on that stick on Thursday morning, I was actually kinda scared about it being positive. While I wanted it to be so badly, I started freaking out thinking 'what if it is positive? What am I gonna do about these trips I wanna do so badly? How are my parents gonna react; especially my dad?' and I felt bad about having those thoughts. TTC is meant to be something you really wanna do, and I really thought I wanted to start a family asap, but now I'm not too sure. I wish I could work out what it is I really want, cos I really don't know anymore. Maybe I need some time away from TTC; there's no way I can get away from everything pregnancy related as 2 girls I work with are pregnant, and working in a supermarket, I see pregnant women almost every shift. But I think TTC is the thing I need to steer clear of for awhile, so that I can get my head straight and work out what I really want. I make that decision now, and I'll change it in a few days, and knowing that I'll do so makes me feel so immature. I wish I'd never made the decision to TTC in one way, because then I wouldn't have this confusion. I also wish that I'd never gotten pregnant before, because then I wouldn't have miscarried and that wouldn't have made me want to TTC again. I've always thought I didn't have any regrets, but when I think about it, I have a few, and I completely loathe the idea of having regrets because I'm a strong believer in everything happening for a reason and our past making us who we are. I guess regrets aren't something we can control; after all, I regret those things right now, but next week I probably won't regret it at all. Sometimes I hate my mind; I feel it's too complex and I wish I had a switch that I could use to put my mind onto simple thinking mode, rather than it always being in over-drive.

Sorry for the long blog, I just needed to get this stuff off my chest, and to be honest, the only reason I'm stopping now is because it's 1:30am and my laptop's battery is going to die pretty soon if I don't turn it off.

I hope you ladies are all doing well and are in a better place mentally than I am right now. I hope my next blog is filled with more positive stuff to say. If you've read this far and have something to say back, thank you.