03-11-2009 - 10wks 5days and Feeling Weird

My mood while writing this blog: Weird

Here we are, almost 11wks. Almost at that magical 12-week mark, almost out of the first trimester. I'm feeling well; the nausea has subsided and is only noticable if I let myself go without eating too long. My boobs are becoming more tender and my nipples are now the bane of my life! They hurt like crazy, even from something so simple as my shirt rubbing against them. I am starving all the time, but nothing really sounds too good. My heartburn has been getting progressively worse, which I didn't get until much later with my last pregnancy. Altogether, I don't have much to complain about. Even if these early weeks were horrible, I still couldn't fuss too much ~ it's all for the best cause that I can imagine!

Now, for the weirdness.

I keep feeling that something is wrong with my baby. I can't explain it, I can't understand why, but it is a little frightening. Let me give you a little background.

When Maddie was busy cooking in my belly, I kept having the phrase "Dilated Renal Pelvis" go through my mind, over and over, for months. I always remembered seeing that written on BPP ultrasounds when I worked in OB/Gyn and only knew that it indicated that there might be a kidney problem in the fetus. I always shrugged it off, not really understanding what my, I guess you would say, subconscious was trying to say or prepare me for. At our 20wk scan, we found out that Maddie had several cysts on her right kidney (that would later lead to kidney failure and removal when she was just 9 months old). That day, as the doctor told me of the finding, it hit home that that's what the "Dilated Renal Pelvis" thought was all about.

When Maddie was about 2 months old, I was rocking her to sleep for her afternoon nap and closed my eyes for a minute. I know that I was NOT asleep, as I was sitting there getting irritated at my neighbor for mowing his lawn (I mean, didn't he know that I was trying to get my baby to sleep?! lol, it's funny how mommy brains think). Then, in my mind's eye, I looked toward the nursery door and a young man was standing there. He was maybe 25 years old, had on a baseball cap, a blue shirt, and khaki pants. He wore glasses and, as I looked into his face, I realized that he had Down's syndrome. In this "dream/vision" or whatever, I could feel that he was just there visiting Maddie and I, so I felt no fear. Then, without even moving, he was suddenly sitting in the chair next to me, on the left side. Only, there was no chair next to me on either side. He looked at me and smiled, then there was a word ~ not spoken, but more like a thought transferrence ~ and that word was "Mother". My eyes flew open and I noticed that my left arm was freezing cold and had broken out in goosebumps. The man was gone.

That has haunted me for almost two years now, and sitting here with what I believe to be a baby boy growing inside me, makes me wonder if it wasn't a sign from God? I know I sound like a lunatic, but I promise, I am just a normal, sane person. I don't know if I feel something is wrong and it is real? Or my subconscious is thinking about that 'vision' and it's making me worry needlessly? Only time will tell, I guess. If it wasn't for the kidney thing, I would totally discard this superstition, but I am having a hard time ignoring it. It makes me nervous for my ultrasounds and blood screenings, and I think it's part of the reason I'm having trouble enjoying myself with this pregnancy. It could be nothing at all and I'm just being silly (I hope!).

Anyhow, that's all for today, my friends. My next appointment is this Thursday and, of course, I'll let y'all know how that goes!