17-1-2009 - Domestic Violence/vowing to have a happy and healthy pregnancy

My mood while writing this blog: overwhelmed

So, 3 days ago I left the father of my baby, probably the easiest decision and the hardest thing to do. I was constantly being called names...'bitch' 'retard' 'fucking cunt' 'crazy' everything in the book, everything you don't want to hear when you're pregnant. I was being lied to about everything, everything. And, when I would be upset when I would find out the truth he would tell me "Well, addicts lie...all addicts lie, you should know that"...I could never, ever justify being upset. Or, I would hear "So, I lied about smoking pot one time, what's the big deal?" this happened numerous times, on a daily basis. The big deal is lying, if you could do it once and keep it going for 2 weeks, you could do it forever. And, if you're saying you're not on adrugs, why are you dowing stat pills (cleansing you before a drug test so you can test clean) right before a drug test. I was pushed...and then afterwards I would blamed for myself falling. I was blamed for everything. I was blamed for him calling me names...because I had supposidly said something mean before so he felt like he had to say something to hurt me. I don't understand how that justifys telling someone that you had just 5 minutes ago said you loved to say "I hate you."...or "You're ruining my life". And, at this point, I'm not close to anyone, I didn't talk to anyone, I candy coated everything in my relationship to the outside world. I layed in bed to not piss him off, and then it got thrown in my face when he stated that I had lost it for him a while ago, that I used to be fun...but now I go to bed at 8pm at night. Yes, I go to bed early, while you're out getting high so I can ignore it. And, he told me that he would be happy if the baby was just...gone. And, even after explaining all of this-I still feel like it wasn't enough for me to leave, that maybe it was all my fault, that I could have done something more...I just don't know what "more" looks like.

So, three days ago when I left, my mother took my dog and I went to a shelter-mostly to let him cool down (yet again thinking about him and his well being), and to keep me away from him, with support from women who have gone through this to tell me not to go back to him if I felt like I wanted to. But, I came across a feeling more bizarre-I had never in my life been treated like this by anyone, not even my enemies. And, suddenly I realized that I had completely disregarded the times he had pushed me, honestly believing that I had done something to make him do this...I realized that the verbal abuse hurt so much more than anything. That the physical pain would go away, but the repeating words going through my head have not. At the shelter I was given a "cycle of abuse" handbook, and started bawling my eyes out, thinking I could have prevented this. I felt so sorry for myself, and honestly still do. It's all so ironic because I work at a homeless/runaway shelter myself..for youth, and I feel like I should be more put together than this, that I should have walked away month ago. I don't regret this baby, because I'm so attatched to it, in fact I listen to him/her every single night on my doppler and it's the most beautiful sound in the world. The first time I used it I couldn't find the baby for 10/15 minutes, now I go right to him/her, even though he/she has been trying to dodge the doppler lately, or maybe that's because I had just drank hot cocoa (heyyy sugar).

So I had made a police report (mainly for documentation) yesterday after he had called my work 4 times asking where I was staying...harrassing me about it and telling me he was going to take me to court if I didn't allow him to go to the dr appointments, I told him that this wasn't possible and that if he'd like to take me to court for custody itd have to be after the baby is born and after paternity is established. The more calm I was the more mad he became. I calmly told him he could not call this number, and that technically it's an emergency hotline number. The police officer told him that if we were going to speak on my personal phone it should only be about the pregnancy and how it's going and be civil. Well, when he called my phone 5 times last night it was anything but that-he still was harrassing me about where I was staying. I told him this doesn't pertain to the pregnancy, which he replied it had because it's where HIS unborn child is. I said you're unborn child is absolutely fine and hungup the phone due to our agreement through law enforcement. His speak was very slurred, and I had stated that I had asked him numerous times to stop calling my work, and had documented each time he called and the threats he made. He asked me "Have you taken mushrooms or acid tonight?" I asked...what?! are you kidding me?? He started laughing hysterically saying because you're delusional. Yet again, making me feel like the crazy one.

I'm VOWING to have a happy and healthy pregnancy now, free of him.