15-6-2009 - too good to be true

My mood while writing this blog: ok

So...all that great stuff that had been happening...yeah, didn't last very long. I don't think things will be all the way good until Roland and I really go 50/50 in this or he just leaves me and Jayde alone. He and I had a HUGE fight about sillyness...it started with him not coming in an emergency and none of his fam being there either. I blew up at him and accused him of being with his new girl instead of being there for his daughter. He swears up and down he wasn't...and I kinda believe him now. It escalated into me throwing all of the success I had in his face and him telling me I was just jealous because he's "oh so happy" in his new relationship.

Maybe I am a little jealous but how can I not be??! While I was carrying his child, he cheated twice and after Jayde's birth he cheated and had me waitin on him talkin about "I'm gonna marry you." Now he's in a new relationship and I have no companionship whatsoever because I truly dedicated the last 2 years of my life to making it work with him. Don't get me wrong, I love the time I spend with my daughter but c'mon...I would like to be taken out, to be held, to be kissed, to be told I'm beautiful, to be touched. Keeping it real, I need "some" lol (actually I've thought about trying to be celibant like the Word says until I'm married which is what I SHOULD do!). I'm frustrated and bitter about it all, and until he feels a little pain I don't think I'll be able to move on and let him go. It's like I want him to understand what he's put me through. Is that wrong??

Augh! I'm so tired of the arguing, but do any of you ladies understand how I feel??