17-10-2009 - when LIFE happens, it happens...

My mood while writing this blog: contemplative

So. it's Saturday morning and Jayde let me sleep until 8:30am (first time sleeping past 7am in like a year ;)) I'm glad I got to sleep because there's so much on my mind that I feel like even when i'm relaxing/sleeping, my mind is running like crazy.

Jayde is 7 and a half months old and just growing up so quickly. I feel like if I blink she'll be 1 year old lol. She's now standing unassissted for about 30 seconds at a time (when she realizes that she's not holding anything, she falls down lol). I was just staring at her the other day amazed at God and how He formed her cute little angelic self inside of me. I feel wonderful, knowing He chose me to bring a life into this world (I hope He blesses me in the same way again).

Speaking of being amazed by my daughter and loving being a mommy...it's like nothing else even matters and I think i'm being somewhat of a jerk b/c i know what is important and it's definitely not little boy or little girl drama. Yall, Lucas is even starting to trip a little. Side note: he passed the BAR :). I was so excited to hear this news yesterday and it just made the distance between us seem even worse cuz i can't be there for him. He didn't even seem to be that pressed about us seeing each other and even admitted that he'd been not calling as much for whatever reason. The convo got to the point where I broke it down for him and told him I was ready to take the next step and be in a relationship...he says he really likes me a lot and if we were closer things would be diff. but right now he can't see himself being in a long distance relationship. He also said he was tired of having this convo of what are we doing and if we would ever be serious. So I told him, ok, let's just let this go and move on b/c either i'm not happy or he's not happy. Of course he's like let's just take a break for a little while but not completely end it. AUGH! Whatever, i don't have time for this...i know what i want and what i deserve and if he's not ready for all that, i gotta keep it moving.

Jayde's father is gone again...idk what even happened. He has chosen his g/f over Jayde for the last time and I told him until he could make a commitment to Jayde (like see her 2 or 3 times a week and keep his word about when he was gonna come) he should just stay away. I'm tired of the "I'm coming over tomorrow" and then when tomorrow comes, "I can't make it cuz my girl or my mom or my friend needs such and such". Jayde will soon be old enough to realize when Roland has not been around for awhile and he needs to get his act together. He hasn't even called all week nor seen her in almost 2 weeks. How does he do it??! I have a hard time not seeing Jayde for like 3 days, let alone a week or two.

Yall it's even drama at my job...I just want to get away and stay away for awhile. Too bad I don't have a long break from work until Thanksgiving. I would just take a sick day, but i have to save those for court dates...i have one coming up on Nov. 3 for child support, again! :( Ladies, just pray, please!