10-11-2009 - What is wrong with me!!!

My mood while writing this blog: confused

I am so tired! I am so confused and frustrated. I am trying not to be so angry at Josh for ruining the ultrasound pic and I have come to terms with that. But today I feel out of myself. I want to cry and laugh and be angry all at the same time. I have been having minor pains in my tummy. I am so frustrated. Josh came home for an hour just so he could eat my lunch that I wasn't finished with and for me to sew his pants that ripped. I didn't say anything about the food or the sewing. Then he sat on the couch when he was done and kept sticking his tongue out at me. It is driving me insane. When I asked him to stop, he put his pants back on, grabbed a pop-tart, and walked out the door! There went my lunch, my husband, the last pop-tart and hope for a good night when he gets home later. I am sick and tired of feeling so alone during this pregnancy. I am at the point where I am not sure this baby was such a good idea. We got into an arguement the other night over something stupid. It was just over him cutting the cord when the baby comes. I said it would be nice if he would, but the way he sounded, it was almost as if he didn't even want to be there during the delivery. He says that I am just trying to pick a fight and I guess maybe to an extent I am. I can't help it though. With his mom and family telling me how to raise this baby and so many people saying they will be here right after she comes, I am just so frustrated. I feel like I need just one day to my self to figure all this stuff out. I am trying to stay stress free for the baby and my sake, but I am just so tied up with emotions, I don't know where to begin. My mom keeps telling me that I need to find some one else to hang out with and that Josh can't be my all in all. The thing is, I don't expect him to be. I used to be this great perky positive person. Now I can be all that for everyone but my self. I am so angry, bitter, tired, confused, lost and so down on luck right now. Just seems like every little thing bothers me. Josh's mom says that she may come live in Mt with us after the baby is born. I am getting to the point that if people don't listen to what I have to say or what my opinion is, I may just move to Alaska by my self! I have tried telling Josh about my feelings but when I start he turns it into a blame game about him. He has been pulling the "I am a bad husband" routine on me lately. Does any one have any advice on what to do with this? I have tried talking in the week to week thing but appearantly it is like highschool and you have a certain group you answer to and don't answer to. I am so lost and confused. Please, just one positive word would help. :-(