08-12-2008 - What am I to do?

My mood while writing this blog: sad/confused

I don't even know where to start. I will just tell you what happened this weekend and keep in mind that this happens once sometimes twice a month.

K so Friday my husband after work goes over to his friends which I don't normally mind. He comes home and instead of spending time with me and my son he falls asleep on the couch. Also, when my husband is around it almost feels like another kid. I have to tell him when to help my son and ask him to do thing for him otherwise it's all about him. Is this normal to have to ask my hubby/father of my son to do things? Shouldn't he just be a father and do them? He says that he works so hard at work. Yea I work too maybe not as physically hard but mentally, I'm pregnant, and still come home and seem to get things done as much as I can.

So next thing.... we have a bank account which drives me nuts! He has no clue at what bills we have coming in, or even when anything is due. He spends money without asking me whats in the account. He is off 5 1/2 weeks from work due to shutdown and I only work 4 hours a day cuz of complications with my pregnancy. THere isn't very much money coming in and for him to spend non sense really pisses me off. So once I seen the bank account I go and ask him- why can't you just ask me before you use the card or what bills we got? He gets pissed and leaves!!! Still ain't here. He has been with his friend all weekend. Telling me he was going to come get his stuff on Monday. Are you freakin kidding me? I haven't done anything wrong. We are about to have a new baby next month. Not to mention my son gets all worked up when this goes on. He see's me crying and it kills me. All he knows is when mommy and daddy fight daddy ends up leaving. What kind of a lesson is this for a little kid?

This happens all the time.I'm now to the point where I want to just give up. I strongly believe in my marriage vowels but I feel like I am the only one trying. Oh and this weekend he pulled $600 from our savings to open up his own account. Our money is all over the place now too. I opened up a new account so he couldn't take anymore money from me. Last night he told me he was coming home and I told him not to. I don't know what to do anymore. He has always done this. It has a lot to do with drugs as well. That is his first priority. He CAN be a good day when he tries but he doesn't try. He is always gone and worrying about what his friends are doing. He is 28 yrs old! We were saving to try to buy a house and now after this weekend and him spending more money since Friday we are about out.

I am tired of going through this. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of my son seeing all this not to mention we will have a lil girl soon. But at the same time- I don't want him to miss out on this birth and I love him. He is my husband and we have been together for 10 yrs. So when is enough enough? My mom wishes I would get tired of it but everytime he does this I let him come back and that is why this keeps going on. I cannot shut him out or ignore him for the life of me. I'm so confused anymore!!!