13-5-2008 - The first real test of love

My mood while writing this blog: trying to be faithful

I got a call from my doctor last night...

Seems one of our tests from the quad screen came back abnormal. No mother (to be or otherwise) wants to hear that. There is an increased chance that our baby has DS. An increased chance....what does that really mean? After he went through all of the statistics, I realized 1/142 means that there is still less than a 1% chance that Bubba will have Down's.

I won't harp on the details, but two things made me so mad last night: First, he had the NERVE to mention that we needed to think quickly about our "options" because in Illinois we only have up to 23 wks to terminate.

WHAT??

I stopped him mid-sentence..."That is not an option".

He still continued, but then I think I tuned him out and went to that "place" I go to when I have no intention of dealing with the situation that is in front of me.

So then he mentions amnio...which I had told him originally, was not an opition. I said, "well, what is the risk wiht that?" He explained that if we did it later (i.e. around eight months) if my water broke, then that would be ok, Bubba would just come early. But if we did it now (i.e. to beat any legal limitation if--and he mentioned that OTHER option again) and my water broke, we lose the pregnancy.

He just said it that simply.

Like this is some kind of science experiment that we could just start over.

I told him I needed to "discuss this with my husband". We are going in, as previously planned, for our 20 wk ultrasound on Monday. Doesn't seem like I can get the Level 2 scheduled...so perhaps we will have an additional one later. We will take it step by step.

After some tears, and some prayer, I called my husband. Then I called my mom. They both chuckled and said they would take 1/142 odds ANY day. ;-). But my mom also reminded me of all the odds that I have beaten...shouldn't have survived earlier health problems. Shouldn't have been able to go away to school...to a top university. Shouldn't have met the man of my dreams when I got stood up by some other butt head and went to that party by myself. Shouldn't have been able to get pregnant. But I did. And Bubba, MY baby will too.

And more importantly, Bubba is God's baby...and God is sending him/her to me for safe keeping. So, I would bet my life on it. I believe Bubba is perfectly healthy. I really do. I have to. But if he/she is not...that is our special blessing. I am sure our lives will be enriched for it.

How could I EVER terminate this little life who has been growing, resting and now tossing and turning in my belly? The life I have been waiting for ALL of my life.

I just can't imagine it...breaks my heart to think about it.

P.S. I am dumping that damn doctor.