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02-4-2008 - Gloria Lynette

My mood while writing this blog: Reverent

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Thursday, 28 Feb

Well the Lord decided to take my baby home Friday, February 22, 2008 at 12:27 pm. She was still born and we are now preparing to bury her on this coming Monday. I am not upset because things worked out for all our good. With all the complications and that day almost being forced to terminate, I am glad he took her through natural birth. I could never forgive myself if I had to terminate. My husband and I are still going through the mourning process, but we are still keep our trust and faith in God. I miss you, Gloria Lynette Rheins....You will always be in mommy `s heart!

Wednesday, 12 Mar

It is two weeks and four days since the birth/death of Gloria Lynette. Right now I don `t know how I feel, or what to think. Some days I am okay and happy, others I just want to cry, and occationally not even know why. These past two months dealing with complications in my pregnancy and then suddenly losing my daughter have taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. There was so much disappointment and stress it `s rediculous. I had to go to the emergency room three times in two weeks because I was bleeding heavily and cramping lightly. Then I my doctor refers me to a high risk doctor who says my fluid was low and had to be monitored b/c it could be detrimental to the baby and myself if it is leaking, then when I go back to my regular ob/gyn, she says there isn `t any fluid and they send me back to him the same day and he confirms it. He diagnosed me with a premature preterm rupture of membrane (PPROM), which means my baby had a 1% chance of survival whether I carried her to term or not b/c I was only 19 weeks and her lungs weren `t developed. Then on top of that, she would be decrepid b/c the pressure of not having fluid to surround her would cause her head, arms and feet to be deformed. Of course with that news, I was just crushed and so was my husband. But after we talked about it and went over our options of terminating the pregnancy now (which would reduce my risk of a serious infection that could kill me or cause me not to be able to have children) or continue the pregnancy, we decided that abortion just was not an option for us and we would never be able to live with ourselves if we had one and that we just had to put all our trust in God and give it to him to solve. We realized that we had not kept God first in our married, we were laxadasical in our relationship and worship of God, and it was time for us to get ourselves together and get right. If wanted God to move for us we needed to get off our behinds. So we repented of putting everything else before God and seeking him as we should. Then asked Him to take the situation into his hands and to perform a miracle with our child. Whether it was just healing the ruptured membrane or still allowing the baby to survive without harm through the pregnancy and afterward. We stood on many scriptures to build up our faith and trust in God and went on a fast for a week (I fasted from television and the computer and my husband fasted from food from dawn till dusk). The scriptures we stood on were:Gen 18:13,14 And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old? Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son. Jer 32:27 Behold, I [am] the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? The whole 11th chapter of Hebrews, especially verse six which states, `But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.Psa 127:3 Lo, children [are] an heritage of the LORD: [and] the fruit of the womb [is his] reward. Psa 128:3,4 Thy wife [shall be] as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.We also prayed together every night--from the heart and two prayers from the book Prayers That Availeth Much by Germaine Copeland. The prayers were entitled, `The Unborn Child, ` and `Godly Order in Child Birth. ` We made sure we spoke life over our child every moment we got. So holding on to the faith we had in God, we asked our doctor if we could get a second opinion and she set us up with an appointment with another high risk doctor that same week. When we got to the second high risk doctor, he said the same thing our other doctor and the other high risk doctor said, only now my placenta was completely covering my cervix which added risk of hemorrhage to problems. One thing that surprised the second high risk doctor was that if I had a complete placenta previa, he didn `t see how fluid was leaking (what he didn `t know was that it wasn `t like that the whole pregnancy, at first I only had a posterior placenta previa that was just real close to my cervix). So needless to stay his prognosis was heartwrenching at first and actually made me so angry inside at God that I was shaking, hot, kept crying when I got home. I couldn `t understand how we could be believing in him so strongly and putting our trust in him and He wasn `t doing anything. I was hoping that I would see some glimmer of hope that things were turning around and that for once I would get good news. I was upset because I wanted to just give up completely on God and give up hope that our child would be alright, but I couldn `t because I knew if I gave up on God completely I would just end up in hell and probably die from all my complications, and if I gave up I would also be giving up on my daughter; so I had no choice but to hold on to God and his word and I felt it wasn `t fair. But after I cried for a lil while and talked to my husband, telling him how I felt, he tried to console me but it took a while for me to calm down. But when I did, I asked God to forgive me for being angry with him because I shouldn `t have gotten angry with him, I should just trust him and not look at the situation. The situation always gets worse before it gets better, and my placenta completely covering my cervix and possibly preventing me from losing further fluid may have been his way of showing me he is working it out. So I felt better after taking a nap, and I went to bible study at a church I new but was not our church, and the pastor and his wife prayed for us. We continued our fast for the week, we only had two days left of our five day fast. Then on Friday, February 22, 2008 at 6:45 am, I started having some bad cramping after going to the rest room. I tried to lay back down and sleep it off, but they kept coming and going. I woke up my husband to fix me some toast so I could take some tylenol (I forgot to mention I had been on bedrest since the first bleeding incident). I took the tylenol and tried to go back to sleep, but the cramps continued. My husband stayed awake and went to watch tv because he had to be at work at 9 am. After I realized the cramping wasn `t stopping I got up and started to brush my teeth and get ready incase I had to go to the hospital again. While I was in the shower my husband went to the grocery store to make sure I had some simple, easy and quick fix meals for me to make while he was at work because I was supposed to stay off my feet and only go to the rest room or take a shower. So while he was at the store, I continued to get ready and the cramps got worse and worse each one coming every other minute and lasting for a minute. It hurt so bad I tried every possible position I could think of to ease it but it didn `t help, and I finally just laid and my bed and rolled around in pain each time the cramps came. I called my husband to see if he was on his way home because I was getting worried about the cramping. I tried not to sound too urgent because I didn `t want him to panic or anything. When he got home he saw me on the bed and asked if I was okay, I was in so much pain I didn `t know what to answer. He went to put the groceries away and he came back in the room to check on me and saw me rolling around in pain and he asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I told him I didn `t know and didn `t care and after he saw the second one and how much it hurt he called 911 to get an ambulance to take me to hospital because he felt the ambulance would me more comfortable than sitting up in his car. The ambulance and fire truck got there within three minutes and they took me the hospital (I arrived there around 9 am). The oxygen they gave me and IV slowed down the contractions a lil bit but not the severity of them. When we got to the hospital they took me to the maternity ward and the rooms were filled so they had to put me in the recovery room where other women were who had just given birth. The nurses checked for a heart beat for the baby and got my stats again. The baby `s heart beat was 154 bpm when we got there which was good for that point in the pregnancy. I kept having more and more contractions and they called my ob/gyn who happened to be in the hospital delivering another baby. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I was having a lot of pain. She then told the nurses to give me something for the pain through my IV and she went to get a hold of the high risk doctor she first sent me to who worked in that hospital. When she came back she said that the contractions wouldn `t stop and all she could give me was pain medicine because they could not deliver the baby forcefully if it still had a heart beat because I was at a Catholic hospital. She said she needed to know right then and there if we were going to terminate or keep the baby because my white blood cell count was high which meant I may be getting an infection and there was no chance the baby was going to make it. My husband and I looked at each other. In my heart I wanted to say no I want to continue the pregnancy, especially after we asked her how the other hospital or clinic would terminate the pregnancy and she said either clean me out (as she did a circular motion with her hand) or a d&c. I just couldn `t do that to my child, but then something else was telling me to just say okay we will terminate....so me and my husband discussed it (all the while I was still having contractions and the pain medicine was not helping). We agreed to terminate because my husband had talked to the doctor and she said we really need to be concerned about my health right now because the baby wasn `t going to make it no matter what and it was getting very serious. My doctor went to check on the other patient she had just delivered, and my husband just broke down in dispair and helplessness and cried out to God, to just take the baby because we really didn `t want to put her through the termination or us, and we just didn `t know what to do. My doctor came back to check my cervix and make sure I wasn `t dialated (she didn `t think I would have the baby vaginally, but there was a possibility and it had to watched carefully because of the placenta previa). My cervix was closed, and she then left to call the other hospitals that would have to do the termination to see which one could take me as soon as possible and told the nurse to give me another pain medicine that hopefully would work since the other one didn `t. As the nurse was giving me the shot in my butt, I got another contraction and had to try to stay still b/c the needle was in me. She took the needle out, and I had another contraction (when the doctor checked my cervix the contractions got closer together) and this time I could feel the baby pushing down. I tried to tell the nurse but they just thought it was the pain I was in because the doctor had just checked my cervix not five minutes earlier. Then I got a sensation to pee so I asked the doctor to take me to the rest room which was right infront of my bed so I didn `t have to go far. She helped me into the bathroom and I got another contraction w/ the feeling of pushing. The doctor asked if I was okay, and I told her I just needed to sit down, so she let me sit on the toilet and she walked out the restroom so I could do what I had to do. When I sat down I tried to relax all my muscles b/c all the pain and contractions made it hard for me to pee. As I relaxed my muscles I could feel the baby move down and then out my vagina and she landed in the toilet. It went so smooth and without pain and it was so quick I didn `t know what to do so I called for the nurse to come back and told her the baby came out. She asked me what do you mean out? and I said the baby came out and opened my legs wider so she could see inside the toilet and see the baby there. She had me get up and she picked up the baby and my IV thing and we went back to my bed. She put my baby in between my legs when I laid down and my legs were bent. Then she ran and got my doctor. My husband was out in the hall with my grandmother and brother making a call and came in right after I got back in the bed, he was so shocked (yet felt a great burden lifted off of him he said) when he seen the baby laying there on the bed. My doc and the nurse came back and my nurse was just taken back to see the baby there. She asked if I was okay and then cut the umbilical cord and they took the baby. I guess they were checking to see if the baby was alive and what not. Then the nurse brought the baby back to me wrapped up and said, `it `s a girl. ` So I held her thinking she was dead, and was looking at her and observing her and just taking everything in (I `m partially sedated, and also in shock at that moment). All of a sudden she flinched her arm real quick. I was confused and asked the doctor if she was dead or alive and told her what I just saw. The nurse said no she is dead she didn `t have a heart beat but she would double check to make sure, so she took the baby and laid her in the baby warmer to check her pulse again, and this time my husband and grandmother watched her and the baby did move with them too, but still they couldn `t get a heart beat. She had another nurse try to see if she could get one and even she couldn `t get a heart beat. So the still pronounced her dead and gave her back to me. They moved me to another room and my doctor came in to check on us and we told her about the baby moving and she checked her herself, but again no heart beat. My doctor had an astonished look on her face because although there wasn `t a heatbeat she could see the baby flinch again and her chest moved up and down. My husband asked if they could try to give her air or do something to see if it would help her but she said it wouldn `t help anything her lungs were to young to work properly and she would still die and that she was dead just had some reflexes left. So that was the end of my pregnancy and the end of the life of my daughter here on earth. My husband and I were greatful to God and relieved that he took her himself and prevented us from having to terminate the pregnancy through doctors. He answered my husband `s prayers to just take her so none of us would have to endure the cruelty of abortion. Although I wished the nurses and doctor had tried harder to save my daughter and at least try to help her by giving her oxygen and what not, I know everything happened for a reason and for our good so I am not upset about it. I am just happy she is in heaven with God, someone that could give her more love than my husband I could ever try to give her. I am still hurt that she isn `t here in my arms, it is natural for a mother to feel that way. I am also adjusting to the feeling of emptiness I have now that I am not pregnant anymore. It is a lil harder when you don `t have a baby in the end that is living. I am also trying to get through the process of mourning my child. I may have only been 20 weeks pregnant when I lost her and she was still born and I could only hold her small lil body for about 24 hours until I was released from the hospital and the funeral home came to get her, but that that was still my baby. She was a living on the inside of me for five months. I love her more than myself and was willing to die for her to get a chance to live. So yes I mourn my child and am trying to allow God to take me through the process to get to peace and understanding of what took place and what the purpose behind it was, but I am also thankful and grateful to God that they worked out how they did because if we had to go the other route I wouldn `t be able to live with myself. God is still my God and will always be. I love him and worship him no matter what.

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2 Comments on Gloria Lynette


divinedivas79 - Tuesday, 29 Jul
wow. first and for most i am sorry about your loss. however i do appreciate you posting this as this has helped me so much. God has really shown himself in this situation. i pray that all is going well for you and your family. your experience has opened up a new door for me to share with my hubby. we will definitely renew our faith. :)

kayleighrobo - Thursday, 10 Apr
aww thanks dead nervous about getting married i dont know y !! lol ive just read your blog i am so sorry if u ever wana talk im here to listen xxx