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|06-5-2010 - 7 w 1 d Sanity Rescued and Returned
||My mood while writing this blog:|
Like spilling my guts
The last week has not been the sunshine and roses that one would expect to follow the perfect scan. Off course it had its glorious moments. Especially the 2 days following the scan. I was basking in the thought of all things perfect and revelled over the weekend in the break my body gave me from the persistent morning sickness. However, after 48 hours of feeling fairly normal, the fear of potential failure struck me. Why am I feeling this well for so long? Surely I should have felt worse again? Hormones increase every 36-48 hours? Why am I not feeling worse? Has it all gone wrong? Have I allowed myself to believe in success too soon?
Like a oil sleek, the fear flowed over the calm and well maintained faith in this pregnancy and covered it in the black gunk of worry, fear and mistrust. It clung to my every thought and smothered the belief of all things good to come. I felt tainted. Ruined with the pessimism of memories past. Even when the morning sickness kicked in again Sunday night and had me curled in a ball under my desk at work on Monday I could only feel disdain. Disdain that I have to suffer this incredibly horrible morning sickness possibly for nothing again.
Who would willingly endure feeling this miserable all the time for nothing? As long as you had that belief, that trust that it is all for the benefit and best health of your baby, it was easy to stomach; easy to endure. As a matter of fact, you endure it with a smile. Without that belief, it is only misery.
Being there, in that state of mind was horrible. I felt panicked; lost; scared. I felt that I have failed. I felt angry for tolerating these feelings after that perfect scan.
Thankfully Tuesday morning I was rescued by a friend. With empathy, encouragement and a tender ear she washed the black away. She allowed me to struggle against her attempts at times, but with the persistence of one that knows, she continued to work at it until there were only a few black spots of worry left. She knew and trusted I will get rid of those by myself.
It felt wonderful. With each breath I took, I could feel the clear thoughts returning. After a day I was swimming in the sea of happy thoughts again.
I have realised that it is not how I stomach the moments of utter morning sickness or even the stretches without it. No. Instead it is what I choose to believe. I have to choose to believe that when the morning sickness is there that it will get better and when it stays away for a bit too long, that it will return. Worrying about what is coming next can change nothing now. Obvious I know, but in fear, nothing is.
Never has the saying rung more true: a friend in need is a friend indeed. Thanks Rach.
In the end I could have a bit of a laugh at myself: I spend my entire day preventing myself from feeling sick and then when it works, I want to worry. Go figure!
Needless to say that I am back in a good state of mind and today I am feeling utterly terrible and yucky from morning sickness and am smiling about it.
13 Comments on 7 w 1 d Sanity Rescued and ReturnedRainbowRach
- Friday, 14 May aww you are just so sweet, I was simply supporting you as best I could, as you have done for me so many times since we have known each other, You can do this Liz, you can carry your healthy baba full term & you can even learn to enjoy your pregnancy over the coming months xxx rooey
- Saturday, 8 May Honey, those nasty fears will come and go, but I am sure Rach will make sure they STAY AWAY for good ;o) Gotta love that girl ;o) Glad you are feeling better. Sending you BIG HUGS xxx. freespirit
- Saturday, 8 May Oh hunny, I know exactly how you feel. I am not going to say don't worry, because it cannot be helped. Try to relax, focus on the positives and enjoy being pregnant.... Everything is going to be prefect, I know it. (((HUGS))) xxx CANdiceHARDon
- Friday, 7 May Dont be so hard on yourself my love. Its going to be tough and this will happen for a while until you realize that we cannot control what happens. Our love is with you and bubba and I send you my cyber secret cape for extra hugs during moments of doubt. Love you dearly. xox MrsMommy2
- Thursday, 6 May Oh hun I know exactly what your talking about. With Wyatt I was sick as a dog. Then I got pregnant in August 2008 and was never sick and ended up having an ectopic. Then with Owen I was sick here and there but nothing like I was with Wyatt and i'd literally panick every time I didn't feel like crap. I know how hard it is to relax and breathe and say to yourself everything is okay calm down! But take it one day at a time and keep thinking positive things are going to be great this time! Hang in there hun! Savvy
- Thursday, 6 May We think we are the only ones worring, but when i was preg, my hubby used to worry too, he did not want to show me. See if I went to the bathroom and spend too long, he would come knocking at the door to make sure "all was well" So yes, i know exactly how u feeling and I am glad u are better now. Savvy
- Thursday, 6 May Hi Dear, I read ur blog and it is exactly the way I felt when I was preg. It is human to feel like that, esp with what u have been thru. These 5 weeks will soon be over and u will be soon in the second trismester and ur mind will be better. the 2 trimester is the best, so some thing to look forward to. Keep ur chin up and keep on praying for the next 5 wks to go by really fast. take care. My love and prayers are with u and Bean....Savvy. pol
- Thursday, 6 May Awww honey. Glad Rach was able to talk you round from the place you were in. I'd do anyhting to pick you up from week 7 and drop you and bubba safely into week 12! I remeber your advise to me...sometimes the sickness can be all consuming and you will feel sorry for yourself. Its ok to feel ike that, and there is light at the end of the tunnel... Not enjoying this part of pregnancy is not a crime, it's ok to have bad days, and you mustn't beat yourself up about them. Its all part of the crazy roller coaster we are on. That said, I'm sooo pleased to hear you are feeling happy and positive again. xxx Abigails Mommy
- Thursday, 6 May I'm so sorry you were in a bad place but very thankful Rach was able to help you out. PAL is even more emotional and stressful I'm sure. Huge hugs and love to you little lady. Sarahbeth13
- Thursday, 6 May Isn't it funny how this is the one time in our lives when we pray to vomit! When the thought of hurling over the toilet, or very sore achy breasts is a relief from stress? I have totally been there!! Try to keep in mind that the hormones peak and lull in waves so our bodies get used to them and some days are definitely going to be better than others. I wish you nauseau and soreness (and I say that in the most loving of ways!!) - SB firstlittleangel
- Thursday, 6 May friends are amazing aren't they? I am so happy that you are calmer. Everything is going to be just fine hun! Just imagine, in 10-15 weeks you will feel great, and be able to feel your little one move and kick at you, it's so reassuring to know they are doing ok. I still worry up to the day of delivery but the little kicks are nice to have! I love your blogs they are so heart filled and beautifully written I can't wait to follow your journey as well and see your little one in the end! MrsStrickland74
- Thursday, 6 May It is wonderful to have such a good friend. It helps when you have times like these to be able to keep your head on straight. I am glad you are doing better! Hopefully the m/s won't be to bad. I never had it luckily but I can understand you worrying when you don't. I worried the whole time since all you hear is how bad it is. I am so excited for your journey ahead!!! DiandClover
- Thursday, 6 May Bless Rach! Hun, we who know loss suffer from the most incredible worry and fear. I have learned not to bottle it up and force myself to exist in it. I realize that I will need 'sanity savers' throughout my next pregnancy as well, and I know I will find them here - that is a comforting thought!! Don't forget that your doctor promised you a scan if you need reassurance, so if you ever feel so overwhelmed and tainted that you think you need one, don't hesitate to ask. Watching women go through pregnancy after loss, one thing I see is a sense of calm that comes with passing the first trimester. Soon, you will be at that point, and I beleive you will begin to have less scary invasive thoughts, and more of ones where you are happily holding your baby boy or girl...Hmmm.. I think girl ;)