06-5-2010 - 7 w 1 d Sanity Rescued and Returned

My mood while writing this blog: Like spilling my guts

The last week has not been the sunshine and roses that one would expect to follow the perfect scan. Off course it had its glorious moments. Especially the 2 days following the scan. I was basking in the thought of all things perfect and revelled over the weekend in the break my body gave me from the persistent morning sickness. However, after 48 hours of feeling fairly normal, the fear of potential failure struck me. Why am I feeling this well for so long? Surely I should have felt worse again? Hormones increase every 36-48 hours? Why am I not feeling worse? Has it all gone wrong? Have I allowed myself to believe in success too soon?

Like a oil sleek, the fear flowed over the calm and well maintained faith in this pregnancy and covered it in the black gunk of worry, fear and mistrust. It clung to my every thought and smothered the belief of all things good to come. I felt tainted. Ruined with the pessimism of memories past. Even when the morning sickness kicked in again Sunday night and had me curled in a ball under my desk at work on Monday I could only feel disdain. Disdain that I have to suffer this incredibly horrible morning sickness possibly for nothing again.

Who would willingly endure feeling this miserable all the time for nothing? As long as you had that belief, that trust that it is all for the benefit and best health of your baby, it was easy to stomach; easy to endure. As a matter of fact, you endure it with a smile. Without that belief, it is only misery.

Being there, in that state of mind was horrible. I felt panicked; lost; scared. I felt that I have failed. I felt angry for tolerating these feelings after that perfect scan.

Thankfully Tuesday morning I was rescued by a friend. With empathy, encouragement and a tender ear she washed the black away. She allowed me to struggle against her attempts at times, but with the persistence of one that knows, she continued to work at it until there were only a few black spots of worry left. She knew and trusted I will get rid of those by myself.

It felt wonderful. With each breath I took, I could feel the clear thoughts returning. After a day I was swimming in the sea of happy thoughts again.

I have realised that it is not how I stomach the moments of utter morning sickness or even the stretches without it. No. Instead it is what I choose to believe. I have to choose to believe that when the morning sickness is there that it will get better and when it stays away for a bit too long, that it will return. Worrying about what is coming next can change nothing now. Obvious I know, but in fear, nothing is.

Never has the saying rung more true: a friend in need is a friend indeed. Thanks Rach.

In the end I could have a bit of a laugh at myself: I spend my entire day preventing myself from feeling sick and then when it works, I want to worry. Go figure!

Needless to say that I am back in a good state of mind and today I am feeling utterly terrible and yucky from morning sickness and am smiling about it.