16-6-2010 - 13 w 5 d Battle of the Bump (or lack of it) (LMP 12 w 6 d)

My mood while writing this blog: Frustrated

I have been putting off on writing this blog as it is going to be a total moaning fest. However, better to get it off my chest.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the congratulations and happiness on the news of our baby. Loads of hugs and comments of 'you already have that pregnancy glow' was pretty special. At night I still suffered from m/s or maybe it is just low BP, but either way it starts late afternoon and get worse until I go to bed. Other than that I have been feeling great.

Then Friday I ended up with the most horrible intestinal cramps at 05:30 in the morning. I stayed at home and went to see my GP. Long story short, it does not look like my allergies are flaring up and there was no evidence of a viral infection, but something is irking my intestines. So I am taking extra care with what I eat.

Here is where the battle of the bump started. With my intestines completely empty, thanks to the cramps, what little bump I had disappeared. With my 'bump' disappearing, my pants fit better and on top of that the rest of my pregnancy symptoms from the first trimester is becoming less and less and with this out went my pregnancy glow and my relaxed, happy state of mind. I was only left with feeling very unpregnant and subsequently the need to verify that all is well increased. I have a doppler on order but it has not arrived yet, so I am left with finding my own peace of mind again. Not an easy feat once my brain has wondered to 'I hope everything is okay'.

To top it off I think, let's say that again, I THINK I have been feeling bubbles and flutters from baby. These off course bring immediate happiness and comfort once I have decided it is baby and not gas or my own heart palpitations. (This is what I experience: bubbles - this feels like someone is blowing a string of bubbles through a straw and it ascends from within my pubic area moving upwards and does not include any intestinal noises I can hear or intestinal movements that I can feel; in my head I can picture baby making summersaults in the amniotic fluid which causes bubbles all around it . Flutters - this feels like someone let loose a ping pong ball bouncing off the side of my uterus; in my head I can see baby jumping up and down bouncing of the side of the walls of the uterus.) However, these are very few and very far between and can only be felt depending on my intestinal state (either bloated or not). I think when I am bloated my intestines push my uterus up and towards the front, without this there is no way I can feel baby as it is residing somewhere in my abdominal cavity where my uterus reseeds to. So the 'what I think is movements' are so faint and so infrequent that it does not really make me feel more pregnant.

Plus, my boobs are changing too. They are still large and heavy / full but different.

SO many changes and none of them are satisfying my need to FEEL pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO ready to feel energetic, healthy and glowing. I am sure I will be plenty thankful later that I am not growing completely beyond my limits with the long term associated results. Just for now, here where I am, it is just so surreal that this is actually happening and a little something like a whisper of a bump will go a long way. I really did not expect to be almost 14 weeks pregnant and yet feel so normal.

In an attempt to make things more real I have finally bought something for baby. A little outfit for when we leave the hospital. I also packed out our baby box which was filled with some outfits, blankets, tiny socks and shoes and a beanie. Some of these were from my 2nd pregnancy, so it was a step towards letting go of the worry from the past. I also registered for the birthing hospital's baby program.

My PIL are in the UK at the moment and they offered to bring back some baby stuff if we can find stuff for cheaper there. We have been doing some online shopping and subsequently found a great deal on our travel system, bottles and diaper disposal we want. Hopefully we will place the order tonight and then that is also done.

It has to be said, it is very weird to have done all of the above when I do no feel pregnant but it did help to edge on our enthusiasm.

So between all the personal pep talks, chatting to friends, some spying on the 13 week-by-week comments and shopping I have managed to find some peace of mind. If I allow myself I still get freaked out by the fact that I cannot feel my uterus above my pubic bone or that I am not showing a whisper of a bump or that I don't feel pregnant, but I try not to go there and just appreciate the fact that we are where we are and believe that our little baby is growing away healthily somewhere in, what seems, my vast abdominal cavity.

I did take a belly pic and posted it, so feel free to have a look.

(Just a note I am 1.67m (5.5 feet) tall and slim, have wide hips and have a long hour glass waist and strong lower abdominal muscles from yoga)

Last note, DH touched my belly for the first time last night and said 'Hello Baby'. It was very endearing and cute to me and I loved that he stayed in bed with me today (public/bank holiday in SA) and did online shopping with me.