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17-9-2009 - Sebastian

My mood while writing this blog: sad and worried

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My Sebastian is still in the NICU and may be there for a while longer. They did determine that his lungs are underdeveloped and he is surfectant deficient. They tried giving him surfectant in hs vent. but he had a strong reaction to it that scared them, so they will not be doing that again. They said he's just going to have to be a big boy and make his own. The Dr aid it should take 3 to 4 days for him to produce it on his own, so we play the waiting game.

Last night he was doing great, they turned down his oxygen since he was trying harder to do it on his own. This morning however the Dr told us that he was back to the vent doing most of the work. This afternoon my husband and his sister went to see him and they said he was back to him doing most of the work again.

They want to put in a PICC line so that they can give him medicines/fluids without having to redo his iv over and over. These things terrify me because you always hear PICC lines and ventilators used on the most premature of babies. Sebastian is probably the biggest baby in the NICU!

I get emotional every time I see him since I cant touch him still. I just hope that we just have to wait this out and time is the cure. I really hope there is no underlying problem causing all this. I mean, he was 37.5 weeks, why wouldnt his lungs be developed by then?!

The NICU social worker stopped by to see me today and she was asking all these questions about my past pregnancies and started pitying me, and kept saying how awful all this is. I dont need a social worker, and definitely dont need to talk to anyone who's just tryng to make me cry!

So I started feeling sorry for myself and thinking Im a horrible mother. Did I mention that I havent been able to pump anything at all? ugh So now I feel bad that here he is in the NICU and could definitely use beastmilk to help him get stronger, and I cant do it.

So it looks like Ill be going home Fri or Sat, without him.

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11 Comments on Sebastian


kbielec - Friday, 18 Sep
I'll share a few things I learned...hope it's ok.First the pumping...the more you try it the better it will be...every 3 hours for 1/2 hour...don't worry it will work, and I will say...the more you stress the harder it is.Not being able to touch your baby...secret - it's your baby...he's been hearing and feeling you for almost 9 months. The NICU we were in with Annabelle told me that...and I went right to the social worker and said, the nurses can touch him, and the doctors, and they are strangers...I am going to touch him...even if just for a minute so GET IN HERE and teach me how to touch the baby so it's not startled...(annabelle had to be still too...) so they did. They taught me that it was comforting to a baby if you just lay your hand over them...or on them...makes them feel secure and like they are still in the womb...if you want to touch him, do that...MAKE yourself a part....it's YOUR kid!Thinking of you...post me if you want me to tell you more about my NICU experience....I am happy to!

iey - Friday, 18 Sep
Blessings to all of you! He will be fine...as others said, take this time to recover (as hard as it must be to do!) and ask the doctor about meds to increase milk. Take care and know you have a lot of people thinking of and praying for you!

mungbean - Thursday, 17 Sep
i agree with the others, sebastion is a fighter and so are you. keep perservering wiith the pumping and even if it doesn't work in the end don't doubt yourself as a mum because of it, you are fantastic. it doesn't matter how he gets his nutrients as long as he gets it. he will be fighting fit before you know it.

orone - Thursday, 17 Sep
hang in there shellie, he's going to be just fine, he just needs a few more days. As for not producing milk yet, just keep trying...try and stay as relaxed as possible so your milk lets down easier. It took me 4 full days before my milk came in with my son, I too was freaking out, but trust me, once it came it, it came in like gangbusters. Just keep at it and you will be just fine. And if for some reason it doesn't come in, there are plenty of ways for him to get proper nutrition with formula and other supplements...he'll be a big strong boy before you know it, resting happily in your arms. My thoughts are with you...Erin

kickboxerbaby - Thursday, 17 Sep
Your little Sabastian is holding on strong. He's fighting all night to breathe on his own so it's ok if in the morning he needs just a little help. He's stronger then he's letting off. And so are you. You can both get through this together. Don't give up just fight harder. Like with breast pump issues. There is a tea you can get called milk maid tea it has funalgreek in it which helps with milk production. I had the same problem when Bell was in the NICU. Your so worried that your probably not drinking as much water as you should or eating like you should. Keep yourself focused and healthy and he will follow. I will continue to keep both of you in my prayers.

nmck - Thursday, 17 Sep
I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!! The NICU mommy experience is tough, and I also could not pump crap. I am not even going to try pumping next time honestly. Try to look at this as a blessing in disguise. Your baby is in wonderful, capable hands. He needs a little time to be on his own. Use this time to recover!! I really wish I had. I trucked myself all around reveling in the fact that I was off of bedrest and I ended up splitting my c-section incision. Also, I think it is relatively common for babies of his age to have underdeveloped lungs. There were several 37 week babies in the NICU when Michael was in there. You are a great mom already!! Do NOT judge yourself by how much you can pump or anything like that. Sebastian is going to be great. Use this time to get your sleep and recover. Then you can turn your entire attention to him when he needs you most!

dayshasmom - Thursday, 17 Sep
Try to stay positive, I know its hard. Both my babies have been in the NICU, and my baby boy still is there atm. As for the breast-milk, ask your Dr for something to help the milk come in, my dr gave me a stomach pill thats side effect is that it increases the production of breast-milk. Its done wonders for me. If you need the name let me know. take care of yourself and try to rest.

1st baby on the way-411 - Thursday, 17 Sep
I'm so sorry-but keep thinking positive and your little boy will be better before you know it!

shellie77 - Thursday, 17 Sep
Yeah Ive seen the consultant, and she just said to keep at it. Im trying. I did have a small victory today....I had a BM!! lol I feel MUCH better now hehe

masonnickey - Thursday, 17 Sep
Like the comment below me said tay postive Shelly. Also sometimes milk takes a few days to come in, don't be discouraged. Are the nurses helping you out with the pump? Is there a lactating(sp?) specialist there? Message me if you want to talk mama. Hang in there, we are here for you.

supaflychick1982 - Thursday, 17 Sep
Stay positive and remember the blessing that is Sebastian. He's a fighter and this only slowed him down not stopped him. And definitely don't hate yourself for not being able to pump. He'll get his nutrition regardless. I was separated from my daughter when she was born and couldn't pump either and she's smart and strong as ever.