24-6-2008 - lost for words

My mood while writing this blog: dissapointed, ashamed

i have just been having the worst few days and desperatly needed to vent it off somewhere....

i suffer from clinical depresion and since falling pregnant have had to cease all medication, this, combined with the influx of pregnancy hormones and sicknes was pushing me to my outter limits.

then just to top the cake i lost a twin (but am very gratefull i still have one healthy baby) my 18 month old got pnemonia, my grandmother has seen fit to condem me at every given opertunity because when she was raising her kids her house was allways spotless and her kids never cried, they allways ate all their food and went to bed on time..... BULLSHIT!!!!!

her house was alway tidy cause she used to baracade my mother and uncle in the sitting room with one or two toys each (bit hard to make a mess with that) they ate what they were given cause she used to pysicaly shove the food down their throughts if they contested, they allways went to bed on time cause she used to give them a tea spoon of brandy or a dose of phenergan (an antihistimine that was considered safe for that cause in the 60s) and she allways used to cook a home cook meal because she never was actually pregnant!

she had an abortion wich resulted in a historectomy and adopted my mother and uncle!

she cannot understand why being sick can stop me from keeping a perfect houe as i usualy do, or cooking every night. of course she wouldnt she never had to experience it!

she keeps telling me that the fact i lost another baby is meaningless cause i still have one healthy one..... well its bloody meaningfull to me!!! i have every right to morne the loss of my other baby just as much as i am glad i still have one!

am i so wrong for feeling like this?

she wont even admit that it is possible to suffer from clinical depression telling me its all in my head and to just get over it! its not the 50s anymore man! there is help for ppl like me now, i dont have to just put up with it and i shouldnt have to!

my husband hasnt taken the loss of another baby very well either, we should be having our 3rd and 4th children now, instead we are having our second, his studys are suffering because of it and he finishes up in a few weeks and i have a feeling that im going to have to make him get a job, cause he is just gonna want to sit around and play bloody computer games all day..... i cant even get him to come to bed with me, hed rather play games! we love each other so much but we deal with things very differently i rant and rave and cry and want attention, he wants to retreat and just play games, i understand this is just his way of coping but i need him too....

im just at my wits end..... i cant take much more of this crap from nan ey, it doesnt matter what i say acording to her im a bad mother and house wife, she has allways been there for me, allways helped me whenever possible but enough is enough this is not helping!!!

nothing i say will change it, and i cant run away from it either i just have to put up with it and i praying for strength just to get through every day.

i am happy i +-am having a baby, i realy am, but at the same time i am devistated that i lost one, and to make it worse she is still inside me!- she is getting smaller but ..... i miss her! i realy wanted twins this time! i am so sick of this happen ing again and again and everyone (drs included) just keeps telling me to be happy i have one left. why cant i be sad too why wont someone acknowledge that she was a person! a life that is now gone! i feel like the only one who misses her.

ok well i do feel slightly better now, it is so good to be able to say thease things even if no one is listening, they needed to be said