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07-4-2008 - Waiting Game

My mood while writing this blog: Complex

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Well this is my first time utilizing this blog. But I have the need to write or say something since I have no one to talk to at work. I am starting to wonder if it is really true that I am going to have a ababy...like I'm going to wake up from this dream and find myself all alone. I look at my belly and wonder if its an optical illusion. Like my mind is playing tricks on me. It has been such a roller coaster ride for me during my pregnancy. I remember taking the pregnancy test, and thought, this won't stick. I can't have kids. Then I remember, spotting, thinking my period was going to come. I took another pregnancy test, and still was pregnant. I cried out of fear and happiness! Fear because wow I was pregnant! and Happiness because WOW, I AM PREGNANT!

The hard part was talking to the baby's father. Telling him, asking him what he wanted to do. He said he would support whatever I do. I was thinking that maybe I should let the baby go. But in my heart I already knew I loved him...and he wasn't even the size of a bean. Or at least he looked like a bean in the first sonogram at 10weeks. After talking to the baby's father, I felt happer because I knew he would continue to be that support for me like he always was. My dearest friend who had my heart & soul. Then he turned ugly. He didn't turn his back on me, but he sure did made me realize that all people have ugly in them. He turned into a cold hearted bastard. That's putting it lightly.

The months went by, I stopped hanging out with my friends and stopped receiving calls from my friends. I realized, I was in this alone. But not quite. My mother proved to be a mother for the first time in a very very long time. She was; and so was my brother the happiest about me having a baby. Thankfully, I have family.

Time kept flying by, and I finally got a grip on life. I remember almost every week that past. I remember the first time I felt my son "flutter". I remember, when I started getting heartburn and indegestion. I remember going to the doctors every time and happy to hear my son's heartbeat. I remember the nights I DID sleep.

Now, here I am at 38 weeks. Feeling my son moves so strongly and I'm waiting and waiting for him to show himself to me. To prove to me that I'm not being PUNK"D. Because through all the crap I went through and all the people talking behind my back and all the petty nonsense...I am in love with my son and I am so happy. So now I sit, waiting in GOO GOO GAA GAA Land, waiting for the blessing that GOD has so graciously bestowed upon me to be born. tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock.

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