10-11-2009 - 38 week update.

My mood while writing this blog: okay

so i'm at 38 weeks now, and feeling good. no problems. i'm having apts every week now, of course and not much is happening at them. no new news. everything is going great. i don't have any real complaints.

sunday, my husband's cousin threw me a baby shower. that was incredibly sweet and i am so thankful to have people in my life who love me, who love my family and want me to feel included. i don't know anyone here except for family, and i don't even know them that well really. and i JUST had a baby. aidan is only 2 and i'm having ANOTHER boy. so there's not much i needed anyways, but they still wanted to throw me a baby shower. it was beautiful, and i am SOOO thankful. my mom got to come to since she got here on friday. a lot of people came, of course it was game day too and the chargers were playing... someone. and they won! by one point, aparently it was a really good game. we had a lot of fun, and it was a great day.

i have all of the things that i need. so that's all taken care of. i'm getting the stuff that i just want now. i have a few gift cards, and ordered a set of nursing pyjamas from target and a sling carrier too. hopefully i can get the hang of it because i really like the idea of using a carrier. i think the only thing i really want now, is a new diaper bag and diaper bag accessories. not stuff i need since i already have a diaper bag. but i just WANT a new one. it's green and brown. with some kind of geometric floral print. but i'll have to wait to order them since i dont have quite enough on my gift card for both of them.

yesterday, chris and i went to get new tires for the car. we stopped by the mall and got some food while we waited and he wanted badly to watch a movie. so i agreed since he got me food when i was starving. he wanted to see The Men Who Stare At Goats, said it was a comedy. ugh idk if i was just being moody, but because of the angle that my feet were in they were swelling up, and my hands decided to join them. and i was having braxton hicks contractions most of the time we were gone. so needless to say i was uncomfortable. not to mention i get anxious about leaving my son (which i need to get over quick since he'll be with my mom the entire time i'm in the hospital) and was hoping we'd get home before his dinner. so i had anxiety about that, and the movie was stupid. and i was basically just bored and agitated the whole time. i know that he wanted to go out and have a good time, especially since we don't ever get to do anything like that. i probably should have just tried to relax and been more thankful. i'll remember to thank him tonight.

and on another note... i am nowhere near ready to have this baby. emotionally. i look at aidan and i feel terribly guilty for taking away... idk whatever i am taking away. he is my only child right now and has all of my attention. and even though i'm sure he'll adjust just fine. i'm anxious about it all. i absolutely don't want him feeling as if i've replaced him with a new baby. and then there's the fact that i'm going to have to be in the hospital for several days and even though he'll be able to visit me while i'm there i'm not sure that he'll understand what all is going on. i know that i'm strong. and that i'll be able to handle it in the end. logic tells me that it'll work out fine. but anxiety tells me that it's all too much. i think the two biggest feelings i've got about this whole pregnancy is guilt and anxiety. the guilt of doing this to my child who's too young to understand and the anxiety of how my life is about to change in a very big way.

and ugh. it's early... well 9:30am not so early anymore. but i haven't been on the treadmill in 3 days and since i've been lazy so i need to get my butt on there. i'm stalling can you tell?